raw moments of July 23, 2005... looking back

I will slap a great big warning on this post... It is going to be UNCENSORED AND RAW...

Here we go...

7 years ago...

My baby boy was 3 weeks old on this day and he had been in a morgue awaiting my release from the hospital to have his service.  He was in a cold, dark place without me for 3 weeks!  I know it was just his body there... but that was my baby's body.  He was mine!  I was his mom and he was without me.  

My sister and her husband visited him there while I was in ICU, she cut his hair for me, made molds of his hand and feet, took plenty of pictures, put baby lotion on him... she held him, she did what she knew would be so important to me... and I thank her so much for that.  She did the 'hard' while I was fighting for  my life. Her husband documented these precious things with film and I am forever grateful for everyone who held him in my absence. 

But he was without me. 

The day of his service (I hate the word funeral) - I physically was so weak, and as I write about in my book, the experience of seeing my precious baby for the first time was so overwhelming.  No one should have to see their children in a little white bed... I also hate the word casket!  

As I approached him, life shattered seeing the reality of  my sweet boy without breath.  I thought I wouldn't even touch him before I got there but I couldn't pick him up fast enough when I saw him.  I remember I kept feeling his chest just hoping he would breathe... I wanted so badly to make him okay... 

And as much as I wasn't okay, he was safe in heaven... he was in no pain... his body was in my arms... but he was in the hands of Jesus!

I held him the entire 2 hour viewing... I spoke to him softly... saying things only he, God and I know.  I studied every part of his precious little body, memorizing each little finger, his little cheeks, his little nose... all of it... I prayed God would NEVER EVER let me forget that moment... and I haven't!

I don't remember many  things that were spoken to me,  or everyone who was there... but I have never forgotten those moments with Matthew, Ronnie and Nathan!  

Ronnie gently spoke to me "it is time..."  My heart fell!  He didn't have to tell me what he meant... I knew.  I knew I had to let his daddy place him into his bed and that moment, that very moment was the moment that I  lost it.  I lost what I was clinging on to... my baby... his body... and subconsciously, it was then I knew I had to grab a hold of my faith and look ahead to the day I would hold him again.  I couldn't and didn't do it in my own strength, yet God had His way of holding me, holding us... 

I sat through the service...  I couldn't plan it... I was too sick... I had no idea what was going to happen, who was speaking... but I knew my dad would sing for him.... 'You Are My Sunshine..."  and when the part came "please don't take my SUNSHINE away" I couldn't escape the raw moment that became!  

My SUNSHINE was going... 

As we got into the stupid limousine that would carry us to the cemetery, Matthew's sweet body and his little bed were placed  in between me and his daddy.  I laid my body over the top of the bed as I took the one and only ride with Matthew I would ever have.  COMPLETE devastation and EVERYTHING was so broken in our lives.  SURREAL.  HARD. But I wouldn't have wanted him to ride anywhere else!  I needed to take this ride with him... I didn't want him alone in a car while people followed him.  It was a gift to have this time and we were incredibly grateful to the funeral home staff for taking such care of us and of our sweet boy.  

We get to the cemetery... BLUR!  It was HOT, HUMID and I had no idea where we were, really I didn't! I was escorted to a chair... and I sat down looking at the BIG GIANT HOLE in the ground and wondered if that was where my heart was going to be placed.... AND IT WAS!  Yep, right there in that great big freshly dug hole!  

I sat through the graveside service numb.  All I could do was hold on to my husband and stare at that little white bed and the hole and the HUGE pile of dirt that would cover the hole up.  That's hard.  

And Nathan, 5 years old, would come and just lay his head upon my shoulder... My heart, torn.

Unbearable.

My mother n law read a beautiful letter to Matthew, we released balloons, we prayed.... and then I don't remember what was next... and I don't remember leaving... but I do remember looking back at the little white bed and the pile of dirt...

I am reminded today of how God's grace has carried us the last 7 years... I am reminded that without faith we would have never made it.... and I am reminded that one day I will be reunited with Matthew and I won't ever have to worry about leaving him again!

That brings great comfort to my heart! 

I will say that many times I have sat on the ground and wanted to dig my way to that little white bed... sometimes I still do... and that will probably be something that I always feel because I miss him, I want him back and I just want to hold him again, one more time,  but FOREVER!

In writing this today, I want you all to know I am doing good, just reflecting upon that day knowing so many of you have had that  kind of a day too!  I know it hurts, I know it is raw and that is why I chose today to share my heart... 

If you have ever faced that giant hole and sat in the chair beneath that big tent... I am so sorry.  

I wish you hope and peace and comfort today!

I wish it were different.

All my love and prayers...

Signing off... 

"Matthew's Mama"  

I tend to...

I tend to think about you every day...
I tend to dream about you every night...

I tend to cry a little here and there...
I tend to smile too...

I tend to your grave...
I tend to your garden...

I tend to your belongings in special places...
I tend to your brothers and your daddy...

I tend to look at your pictures daily...
I tend to remember what it felt like to feel  you kick...

I tend to want you here all of the time...
I tend to rejoice for where you are there is eternal life...

I tend to love you more each day...
I tend to miss you more every night...

I tend to take your blanket and hold it close...
I tend to take the tiny hand molds and put them to my cheek...

I tend to take the little blue bear and embrace it for dear life...
I tend to remind myself you are safe and well...

I tend to my grief...
I tend to your brother's and your daddy's grief...

I tend to hurt more in July...
I tend to cry more, like today...

I tend to relive those moments I had of pure joy with you...
I tend to hear the echo of myself screaming when I lost you...

I tend to hate the grass when it tries to grow over your special space...
I tend to love when the sun shines down on your tree...

I tend to so much sweet boy...
I tend to everything but you...

I wish I was tending to your special 7th birthday party arrangements, finding the perfect cake, as you know I am crazy about that kind of stuff!  I wish I was tending to the guest list, the presents, the perfect way to put an Ole Miss theme to it for your dad! ;)  I wish I was at Target or Academy right now finding a baseball bat that would be just for you... I wish I was putting a big red bow on it.

Instead I am tending to my heart, tending to let the tears flow, tending to counting my blessings as I remember how very special it is to be your mom.  I tend to think I am one blessed mama to call you mine!

You are mine and you are a gift, a gift from God!  And I INTEND to spend my forever with you in eternity.

And until that day when I see you again, I will tend to everything I can to get me there...

On the eve of your 7th birthday with Jesus, I tend to love you and miss you more than I ever have!

I am going to close my eyes and imagine heaven has a Hotty Toddy flag waving, decorations in red, white and blue and that even without a fancy new baseball bat from mom and dad, you are already on your field of dreams...  and tonight I will be remembering the last few moments we had together here on earth and knowing that I am one sleep closer to seeing you again!

I love you deeply sweet, beautiful boy of mine!  Get ready for your "Seventh Heaven!" (click to read article for Still Standing Magazine)

I love you to the moon & back...

PERSEVERANCE

Have you ever wanted to just quit something? anything?  everything?

We have a thing with PERSEVERANCE in our home... for the  last 7 years we have had to persevere through some of life's most challenging things-  losing our son, losing my health and my career, losing our businesses in Hurricane Katrina just 5 weeks after we buried our son... That was just from July 2, 2005 to August 29th, 2005!

Can you imagine what came next?

Well... let's just say it was the most challenging times of our lives!

And there are days, honestly, it still is.

I have said to many bereaved parents that although today may be a hard day, and tomorrow and yesterday... I made it through the WORST day of my life and that was the day I kissed Matthew goodbye.  Period.

There has never been or will ever be (God willing he keeps my boys with me) another day that will compare that moment, that day, that feeling of letting go and giving him back to God.  Period.

I made it through that day with GOD, my husband, my family and wonderful support of friends.  (as I do so daily)

And yes, there are some days that the hurt is there, incredible pain and sting of death, like the daunting memories of being very pregnant this time 7 years ago... and on June 28th, 2005, I worked my very last day as a healthy, hairdresser whose belly was so big it hit my customers in the head when I was cutting their hair! I had to stand 3 feet away for a man's haircut!  Matthew was a big boy!!!  SO, don't think for one second that the memories aren't flowing and that the anxiety of Matthew's birthday is not settling in... because the raw truth is-  that it is.

When I lose my focus on the 'prize' which is being reunited in heaven with Matthew,  I get lost... really lost. And it is then I find it hard to persevere... because the abstract pain of losing him becomes too much for me to handle... so when my focus is on the prize, perseverance is not always easy, but I must say, I do my very best to press through knowing the result will make me stronger and more compassionate for those who are hurting.

Nathan, ALWAYS reminds me to PERSEVERE!  At my bedside, many, many days, even at the age of 5, (when I was so, so sick)  he would lean in and say, "Mama, you just have to persevere... don't give up, please mama."  And that friends is enough to motivate me to stand on my head for 7 hours if I had too!  Of course, if I ever did that, I would like some red  bottom shoes as my prize... just sayin'!

Back to the point... A while back, RW and I were talking about a big decision we had to make and face... and I was freaking out a bit because I was scared... and didn't want to be disappointed and I wanted to quit. We were talking over and over and he was so awesome in encouraging me, but I just was on the edge...

(insert this- a few weeks before this, my boys and I were making a collage for Nate's room- we took newspapers & magazines and cut out words that would encourage Nate daily to persevere... and at the time, this was sitting on my desk- now back to story)

I told RW I just wanted to quit and I was too scared to keep going... well... what do I speak of a lot in my book? FEAR!  God HAS NOT given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind!  I cannot tell you how many times I have been wheeled into surgery repeating that scripture!  But I was full of FEAR!  And full of wanting to QUIT!  WHY???  Because I LOST MY FOCUS! I took my eyes off of the prize!

And I finally just hugged RW as we were sitting on the edge of the bed and looking straight at me were the very words on the collage we were making to 'encourage Nate' as he is learning to persevere through life as a pre-teen... and low and behold I found this very thing we made for him, speaking to  me.

As I squeezed RW's neck, I turned his head around and we set our focus back where it needed to be and PERSEVERED through our decision... and stepped in faith and out of fear!   (Get that friends- AS YOU STEP OUT IN FAITH YOU STEP OUT OF FEAR!)  I knew deep down I couldn't quit and didn't even want to, but I was afraid to persevere!  But God knew that... and He had my back!  

I hope today that if you need to persevere through something you are experiencing that you will know there is hope!  There is an answer for you when you seek HIM with all of your heart!  

It may be found in something as simple as a homemade sign... but it is there!

I am 6 days away from Matthew's 7th birthday in heaven...  I know I have to persevere through this time... and that when July 2nd comes, the day Matthew came and left me, it will be followed by July 23rd, the day I held my baby for the first and last time... the day I kissed him hello and goodbye.  The day the dirt was freshly piled in that heartbreaking heap on the ground...Seems so not fair and so wrong, yet I know where my prize is and I will persevere until the very day I get there!

Don't quit today!  Don't give up!  And persevere!  You are so worth it friends!

Romans 5:1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

I never knew...

I never knew I wouldn't get to bring you home...

I never knew I would stand beside your grave...

I never knew I could live with half of my heart missing...

I never knew I wouldn't have your hand to hold...

I never knew I wouldn't watch you walk into kindergarten as I cried in the car...

I never knew I wouldn't hear your first cry...

I never knew it was humanly possible to love someone so much...
or miss someone so much, as I do you.

But I knew you were gone when I woke up...

I knew you were gone because as I was in and out of consciousness, I could feel your breath leaving the air... I could feel your struggle, and the pain in my body was so great that I promise I could feel your pain... I didn't see you at all... just the image of your 2 little feet... your little perfect feet as the medical staff were surrounding you to help you fight for your life... and I screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  And I remember yelling and screaming and hurting... and then everything was silent and gone...

I was gone for a while...  I left the earth 2 times on the operating table... I so wish I could remember that time.  Maybe one day I will... But I do often think of what your daddy says and believes... he believes I got to take you to heaven... Oh what a sweet thought!

And then when I woke up, no one knew if "I knew..."
If "I knew" you were gone....

But I did..."I knew..."

With your daddy by my side, I was laying in the hospital bed 4 days after you left me, and I woke up...  I woke up with a ventilator in my throat, tubes everywhere, pic line, IV's, and complete sensory loss to my lower part of my body... my eyes were open... and your daddy looked at me... he didn't have to tell me you were gone... I couldn't speak because of the tube in my throat, but tears flowed down my cheeks as your daddy realized "I knew..."  His soft words... "Lori, I am so sorry..." as he held my hand so tightly, echo in my head... as I can still, to this day, hear the ventilator pump as it was going up and down in the background... I was helpless and damaged... my heart and body were broken... I knew life would never be the same...

That day, sweet Matthew, when I opened my eyes and knew I would have to live my life without you was so hard.  I had to fight to live... I had to want to live... and it was hard.  Some days, it still is...

I fought for your brother and your daddy...

I fight every day to be healthier for your daddy and your 2 brothers now!  I still have many physical battles I face daily with the injuries that I sustained, but baby boy, I would do it all over again, just to "know" I am your mama.

Before you were formed in my womb, God "knew you" by name... Matthew Clark Weatherly

Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart."

My thoughts on pregnancy...after loss

There are a few thoughts I would like to share about pregnancy... I may step on a few toes, but I cannot help but speak what is on my heart.

If you are blessed enough to become pregnant without IVF, AI, or some other kind of hormone therapy and seas of doctor visits in the midst of it all... Please stop here and be grateful.

If you are honored to carry a child, a baby, a precious life, please do not abuse the absolute PRIVILEGE that it is...  Many mothers would give everything they had to do what you are doing right now.

Please don't smoke, don't drink and don't do drugs of any sort when you have this little life inside of you. They are not asking for that... what they need is for you to take care of your body, which essentially means you are protecting them... they cannot protect themselves.

Don't take one second of pregnancy, life within, for granted.  You never know what is going to happen... you never know if this second right now will be your last with life inside of you.

And you know, as "fat" as you may say you are when  you are 7-9 months pregnant, don't rush it...  I so wish I wouldn't have.  I couldn't wait to get the extra weight off, to be un~pregnant... who knew on the day my son was born, I would never have the opportunity to be pregnant again, nor would I have the opportunity to take my 8 lb 14 oz boy anywhere but to the cemetery.

Take pictures all of the time... you never know, but some mothers like me, that is all we have.  I have very few pregnant pictures, and that makes me sad.  I wish I would have documented  my pregnancy better.  I did my first pregnancy... but didn't do it so much with Matthew. (sad face)

(one of the very few belly pics I have)

 
After all, I knew I would have plenty of time for pictures of Matthew... right?  WRONG!

Pregnancy is a gift that many cannot receive without a struggle, and some not at all, and they have to seek out other ways to become parents... and I am so grateful for those beautiful gifts of life that are given through adoption, I know, we have a beautiful gift like that.  He is priceless and amazing and a beautiful gift.

Don't think by reading all of the 'text books' on pregnancy that they for one minute prepare you for the unexpected when you are expecting.  I read them, believe me, I must have missed the pages that said what I was to do when my healthy baby boy died unexpectedly.  There are risks, there are complications that occur, there is life and there is death... and you never know if that will happen to you.

When I see a pregnant woman, I want to run to her and say CHERISH this time, CHERISH the heartburn, the kicks, the full bladder, the feeling of complete exhaustion!!!  Please CHERISH it and PROTECT your baby!  Be gentle with what you do to your body and be grateful for this blessing of life within. CHERISH today and walk into tomorrow with the deep understanding that this baby depends upon you, needs you and please don't abuse that right that many wish they had.  It can all be taken away from you in one second.

(Well, I was right about one thing...I have plenty of time to take pics...these pics)

Life is a gift that not everyone gets to unwrap and many don't get to keep...

Signing off with much love to you all...

LCW

Fly to Jesus...

My heart is so heavy tonight...2 days ago, my precious friend faced the 1st anniversary of the passing of her son and today, my sweet friend, is facing the 1st anniversary of the passing of her son.

My heart hurts so badly for my friends...  Are you approaching an anniversary of the passing of your precious child or loved one?  Are you a friend of someone who is experiencing this pain?

I remember so vividly the days approaching Matthew's 1st anniversary in heaven... and oh how I thought I was going to die... and sometimes I wanted to die.  I felt like I was being suffocated, literally suffocated.  Breathing was all of a sudden an option... really.  The immense pain I felt as Matthew's mama was so horrible.  Flashbacks of the day... the time, the moment of death!  The screaming, the pain, the horrific images tainted with the smell of the hospital room... this is what happens as we repeat the date, year after year.  I have done this 6 times, and yes I still get like that... You can't erase the heartache of losing a child... no matter how much time goes by or how many years pass...

I know there are so many out there reading this who know exactly what I mean... I am so sorry sweet friends... so sorry.  I wish life didn't happen like this... But for too many of us, it has...

It was God's strength and grace that got us through years 1- 6, and in just a few short weeks, we will be looking at 7 years without our baby boy.

I had no idea how or what would happen on the 1st anniversary because a cemetery is the very last place I thought I would ever be on Matthew's birthday... but now it is the only place I KNOW I will be on his birthday.  I had expected to be watching him dig into a chocolate cake while I frantically took photos of his "first" of everything... That didn't happen.

So, for Matthew's 1st birthday and the 1st anniversary of his passing, we had all of our family come to the cemetery where we prayed together and stood together loving each other through the pain.

Me, Ronnie and Nathan held hands and balloons that were tied together and  as we played the song "Come to Jesus," we held onto one another and the balloons... and when the song said "fly to Jesus..." we let the balloons fly to Jesus and to Matthew.  I thought I would be "okay" but my heart BROKE!  Absolutely BROKE!  I hurt so bad as I released those balloons that I literally thought my heart was ripping out of my chest... I wanted to go to Jesus and to my baby...  Oh the pain and the agony of releasing those balloons was not what I expected to feel... but then somehow, when I couldn't see the balloons anymore, there was peace... great big tears but peace...

Tears engulf my face for my precious friend as I write this... Madella, you have been on such an incredible journey of loss with me in my own life, you embraced "Facets of Life," from cover to cover... you cried with me many late nights while I was writing the book. You were always there with a hug or encouragement at any given time...  You were a God send to me and to "Facets of Life..."  I hope and pray that I can be that kind of friend for you... and that through this facet of your life, you will be enveloped in God's grace and care with every step you take.  You and your family are so very loved, supported and cherished.


Today, as balloons are released in memory of one very special boy, Christian Blue, aka "The Beast," I pray  peace for his family, for surrounding arms that will uphold them, and for love to fill their hearts as Chris' presence remains in all that they do.  Blue, Madella and Vivian, we love you and honor Chris today (and every day) with you... 






In loving memory of Christian Blue Jordan...  sweet, precious Chris, we love and miss you!  

tic toc... tic toc...

Just having a SAD day...

You ever have one and not know why?  Nothing really to blame it on... just sad.

Well, I do not have to look at a calendar to tell you why my  heart is on the brink of tears so often these days.... because I KNOW what the calendar says... and it says July 2 is approaching like a freight train.

And literally the closer the freight train gets to me, the heavier my heart feels.

That freight train runs full throttle for me.. from the beginning of June until July 24th... Matthew passed away on July 2nd, and we buried him on July 23rd...

You see, when a mother (or a father) buries their baby / child, their hearts ALWAYS know when the day of the anniversary is drawing near...  Within our hearts are like little clocks that tic and toc as the hour draws nigh... tic toc... tic toc...

You can hear the silent rocking chair sway... back and forth.

But no crying... at least not tears that you would expect to fill the nursery... not an infant's tears but a mother's heart wrenching groans...

Tic toc...

If we could only rewind the time... WHAT IF???   If you lost a child, I know you have replayed the scenario time and time again... "IF ONLY..."  If only you knew... and the what if's...

NO matter where you are, what you are doing as the clock is ticking your heart is very aware of the time...

One minute closer to the time of death proclaimed on that horrible piece of paper, the death certificate...

Tic toc...

Sadness, spontaneous tears and buckets of crazy ups and downs are swept in uninvited, yet at the same time, embraced.

How does that happen?  You may wonder if you have never experienced the loss of a child...

It just does.

Grief is no respecter of persons.

I must be honest with you... I have been no stranger to grief now for almost 7 years... and I think that when you lose a child you lose part of you, forever.  And as much as people would, and do 'suggest' to me to get over my grief, I don't want to.  And if that shocks you, please keep reading...

You see, part of being Matthew's mama is very painful, because he isn't with me and I miss him... and as much as God has helped me and healed me, I am forever going to miss him and that makes my heart grieve.  I will never quit missing him, and I never want to quit... so my heart grieves my baby and that is how it works.  I am just doing the best I can and when grief comes, I embrace it... and let it flow.

It is just as natural as it is loving someone.  You cannot stop that either.  It is natural for my heart to feel the grief of my baby just as it is as natural for me to love him more every day!

As my heart is doing the countdown... I loudly hear the tic toc... and the echo of the silent rocking chair going back and forth...  as much as I don't want to feel the pain, I do not want to miss it.

Sad... I am sad today.

Tic toc... tic toc...