Surgery day, again... unexpected moments!

Another unexpected moment...

Monday, November 26th, I checked into the hospital, was given a private room and the infamous yellow socks along with my gown for the day!  Talk about a hot mess!  (again!)

I am no stranger to the protocol on surgery days... I could do it without the nurses if they needed me to.  But this day was different.

The nurse recognized me from my last trip there and quickly remembered the pain I was in after my last surgery.  We talked a bit as RW sat in the chair next to me while another nurse started my IV.  I had my charge nurse at the head of my bed, the IV nurse inserting my IV when another nurse stood at the door...

Hmmm... I wondered what she wanted for a split second before my charge nurse told me that my doctor ordered a HH level and a blood bank for me.  WOAH!  WHAT?  WHY???  I felt my throat closing and those faucets in my eyes fill up...  She proceeded to explain that my doctor wanted to make sure he had my blood matched in case I needed a transfusion!

WOAH, DID I SAY THAT ALREADY?

RW's eyes opened wide as he knew what was going through my mind... and his!  I had had many, many surgeries... but this was becoming different... but all too familiar!  I had to have a blood transfusion the day Matthew died... and then a few days later was given another one...

The thought of blood transfusions catapults me right back to that day and that time when I was in the hospital after losing Matthew.  RW knew exactly where I was in my thought process and he responded to the nurse that this was an unusual request, and she said yes, but the doctor just wanted to make sure he was prepared for a bleed if indeed it did happen.

I already bled to death twice!  Right after my son bled to death! Can you imagine my thoughts for just one second?  FEAR... there was GREAT FEAR where there was GREAT PEACE just MOMENTS BEFORE~!

It painfully reminded me of what once happened... and I was full of fear..

I mean, folks, I was full of peace!  The nurse wheeled that fear right up in my room and the peace was gone!  Did you know fear can be rolled on a tray?  Yep, sure can!  I had a  big ole' slice along with the needle and an arm band!

I was sitting in the bed wearing that beautiful gown and bright yellow socks sobbing as the nurse could see the emotion within me had triggered some kind of something within me... and oh she was right!

As the blood bank nurse placed my blood band on my wrist, tears rolled down my cheeks.... they just rolled....  here I was after 7 1/2 years of physical hell reliving every moment of emotional pain that I felt in 2005!  

The nurse closed the door and sat down at the head of my bed and asked me if I was okay... At that moment, I knew I wasn't okay, but I would be.

See, I had peace, COMPLETE PEACE, until that very moment of the blood bank nurse entering my room! And I knew I had to trust my God that had given me that peace again!  And whether I needed blood or not... God was in control of it all!

My amazing doctor had my very best interest in his mind and heart... and he knew he had to be prepared!   This was a fact that I knew...

I know the risks of surgery, I understand that very well.  And I also know that my faith is why I can take that risk without knowing the outcome... Nothing will happen to me today or ever that first does not have to be approved by God!  That I am confident!  Whether I "expect" it or not!

After a few minutes, I was calm and at peace again... I quit looking at the noticeably different blood band on my arm and just held RW's hand, maybe squeezed it a tad (or a lot) too!

Then it was time to go to the infamous 'holding area'... without RW,  It is so cold back there!  Whew!  So cold!  But I was wheeled back there and placed into my little cubby... oh by this time, I had the cute "hat" to go with my gown... oh and compression hose!  How could I forget those?  I was adorable!  ;)  Don't hate!  You can play dress up in my closet if you would like!  I have plenty of pairs of those!

So, I was laying there, not much else to do... except complain about the nasty taste I had in my mouth from those antibiotics they were giving me in my IV.  Yuck!  Apparently offering a nurse 5.00 for a piece of gum doesn't work back there! ;)  But anyway, my doctor came in to talk to me about my surgery and he let me know that sometimes the leads break off when they are removing them and if that happens he will do his best to get them out, but he couldn't promise anything.

WHAT??? Oh my word... can you see the damn bursting again?  OKAY... I thought... wow!  WHAT???  I wanted it ALL out! all OUT!  but... FEAR of having anything left was now trying to grab me!

There was only a slight chance of that happening... but I AM ALWAYS THE SLIGHT CHANCER... THE 1%!

I sucked it in and held a conversation with my doctor, knowing he knew me better than any other doctor and that I trusted him to give me the best medical care he could.  I knew this was still the right thing to do... taking a risk, yes, but the right thing to do.

I was ready...

I got some 'happy' medicine and then then next thing I remember is telling one of the nurses I wanted a pizza and telling RW I wanted a Fizz Stick and coconut cream pie! :)

I was delighted when RW told me that when my doctor came to talk to him after the surgery and he had removed all of the leads and the battery pack to my interestem device!  Happy dance!  :)))

and I didn't need a blood transfusion!

I was grateful!  So grateful for God giving me the peace in my heart that passes ALL understanding... the good Lord knows I could never understand all of this!

It was over...

I had my Fizz Stick, some saltines and my husband... oh and some lip gloss!  I was happy!

SO this is day 3 of recovery and I am doing great!

I am eagerly looking forward to what today and tomorrow hold!  I know it is going to be awesome!

Throughout my physical battles,  and my emotional battles that have coupled it so closely, I am one big ginormous miracle after another!

Don't ever think you can't make it though something... YOU CAN!  You must make the choice to persevere through the fears and the pain... You are so worth it!  Your family is worth it!  There are no limits to what God can do to you or through you...unless you aren't willing to take a risk and walk in faith!

Yes, I have freak outs!  You could probably poll 90% of the nurses in NOLA and they would confirm that... but I rebound with faith!!!

I am typing this hanging over the edge of my sofa because my incisions do not permit me to sit down and yes that is so aggravating... but I am doing it anyway!  WHY?  because through  my pain and testimonies, I know others are encouraged!  And I must continue to do just that!

If you are having a rotten day... I ask you to re-evaluate your circumstances... count your joy... your blessings and kiss your children and be grateful for your health!  There are many, many 'dying' to get that chance!

I know yesterday, I was in much pain, and wanted to get up and just do something and I started praying for Baby Lillie Lafntaine... talk about humbling my heart!  This baby is 3 months old and just had by pass surgery today!  Yesterday she had a heart cath.  It is heartbreaking to me to know the pain her parents must feel watching her have to go through these medical procedures and pain... I promise you it brings me right back to my knees grateful that my children are not in recovery pain, that I am in, and it certainly puts my life and my health, (even as it is) into great perspective.  At the end of every day, what really matters?  What really matters?   What mattered to me yesterday was that baby Lillie made it through her heart cath and what matters today is that she will make a full recovery for her mama and daddy! It makes everything else seem so small!

What matters is that we come together to support, love and encourage each other, even when we are having difficult times ourselves!  What matters is we can make a difference and what matters is if we don't!

I am not requesting any prayers for myself... but in lieu of prayers for me, please spend that time praying for Lillie and her family.  This would mean a great deal to me... Thank you all!

With love,

LCW

I would give up my life for you...

I would give up my life for you…

How many of us would give up our life for our children?  (All hands in the air over here)  I know that many mothers who are no longer here on this earth have given their lives for their children during childbirth, and my story tragically is the other way around.  My son gave his life for me.

Mothers are given the ability to love without limits and a supernatural power like no other when it comes to protecting our children.  Can’t you see us as “Super-Heroes” to our children?  Something happens and we put on our cape and crown to fly in and save the day!  Yes, we are super heroes, with super powers that are capable of destroying anything that may hurt our child.  That’s what we do!  Right?  That’s what I couldn’t do for my Matthew, but he did that for me… Matthew was and always be my HERO!

Today I will let you peak at a few of my thoughts written to my little hero…

Dear Matthew,

For nine months I held you safely in my womb, nurturing you, loving you, talking to you and singing silly songs while you moved about.  I dreamed of the day I would see your little face and hear your first cry.  I dreamed of seeing your daddy smile when he held you closely.  I dreamed of seeing your big brother showing you how to slide into second base without mama freaking out.  Those were beautiful dreams full of hope for the future and wonder. 

The moment I saw the pink lines on that test I would have died for you. 

Sweet boy, you died for me.  For those nine months, my blood flowed through your body to give you life and on July 2, 2005, you gave every ounce of your blood to me, you died for me.

What I wouldn’t have done to turn that around.  You weren’t supposed to give your life for me, I, your mother, was to die for you.  Why couldn’t I save you?

It seemed so wrong.  SO very, very wrong.

Living after your death was a challenge in every way.  I was different.  I was affected and I was injured.  My heart would never beat the same and my body would face physical adversities from the injuries of that day for my entire lifetime.

I had never dreamed of this.

I had to overcome and am still overcoming many, many physical disabilities along with permanent injuries that manifest daily.  Every day as I see the scars on my body or the physical signs of my injuries, I am painfully aware of the day you died for me… the day I lived and you didn’t.

I know I would have given my life for you at any moment had I been given the choice… and what I am realizing now sweet boy is that I did give my life for you, just in a way that was much different than I would have ever imagined. 

Every ounce of physical pain and all of the injuries are so worth it because you existed!  There is not one day that goes by that I don’t thank God above that I was blessed to carry you and grateful I got to hold you, even if it was at the funeral home.  I would do it all over again, every bit of it for the nine months we had together and for that one moment when I held you close and whispered in your ear those things that only you, me and God heard.  You were so worth it ALL!  You were so worth my life!

I am not sure what the future holds for me physically, but I do know that one day I will get to see you again and when I do, my body will be whole again and so will my heart!

I gave up my life to be your mama… and you gave your life so I could be here with Nathan and Will!  That is love and it is beautiful.  You are beautiful and loved just like your brothers!

Thank you sweet boy for letting me live for your brothers and for giving life back to me! 

Love, Mom

Although I was left with empty arms, a broken heart and physical injuries from the trauma of a uterine rupture radically changing my life forever, it was also at that moment I became Matthew’s mama.  I would never trade that gift in!  If you are a mother who has experienced any injuries from your loss, I want you to know, you are not alone.  I have a heart full of joy and hope in the midst of my circumstances and will continue to honor Matthew as I share his life with others.  He has inspired me to be the best I can be every day to honor him and to help others that have suffered such devastation in their lives.   

That question... again!

"Good morning Mrs. Weatherly, I am calling to do your pre-op for next week and would like to go over your medical records."

Boy, she didn't know what she was in for, I bet!

For well over 7 years and 4 months I have had to answer the very same questions for so many pre-ops, doctors, new nurses, insurance companies, medical supply places and hospitals!

It NEVER gets easier!  I am fine with the list of surgeries, medications... etc... but then comes the "when was your last menstrual cycle?"  Well, let's see... this is where I can feel my blood getting a little hot within me and I take a deep breath and tell them I had a hysterectomy.  "Partial of full?"  Well, really?  I sometimes (okay so most every time) want to scream they took ALL of me including my baby!  It's ALL gone!)  And then I take my breath and say "partial."  But really having ovaries does't make it any easier to answer that question. I was not asked to have my uterus taken out, it was necessary to save my life.  So when I realized my baby was gone and I would also never have the option to birth another baby in my body, it wasn't that pretty... at all.  (But I sure did birth one in my HEART and it is NO DIFFERENT!!!)

Then comes the questions... "What happened?  What happened to cause this?  Where you in a car accident?"  Sometimes I would like to say Yes, yes I was in a car accident while doing something really stupid and I caused this... that would make THIS easier for me... ALL of these medical problems, these tests and procedures, these hospitals and pain... because ALL OF THIS is related to my baby dying!  All of it!  And THAT is the hard part!

Do you know how awful it is to relive every moment with an operator over the phone who is just doing their job?  Or a new nurse who walks in the room and starts to do what she is trained to do?  I find  myself fighting the option to scream at them, but you know it is their job to ask these questions and to do it correctly.  I am pretty sure over the years many people I have crossed paths with in the medical profession have gotten off of the phone with me or rushed home to their children and wife and treated them kinder and were more grateful for the opportunity to have a BABY AND HAVE THEIR HEALTH.

Do you know how many times I have pointed to a "pain chart" and couldn't find a #308 on it with a broken heart and tears?  The highest those little yellow laminated things go is a #10 with a frown and tears.  And some of those days, it wasn't even physical pain that hurt so badly.

I can handle the procedure, the tests, the doctors, etc... but something about "that question" get me every single time... every single time.

Today when she asked me THAT question, tears just popped out and I took a deep breath and clarified, I wasn't in a car accident... she didn't know and I knew that... I needed to be kind to her and patient and I could tell she felt awful asking me that question when she heard my response.  Another deep breath, I continued with kindness and tears emerging at the same time and she asked if I needed her to call me back.. I said "No ma'am."  I knew I could get through this as I had done so many other times, and I did,

I got through it with God giving me grace and the ability to be strong and answer those questions and leaving her with a great big thank you have a nice day at the end.

I hung up, with a few more tears, thanked God for my life, for blessing me with 3 beautiful boys and a husband that loves me absolutely unconditionally and eternally and family and friends that have supported me and loved me through some of the really worst times of my life.

We really can do ALL things through Christ who gives us strength!

One year ago today, my interview sharing my heart and my book aired on Lifetime TV.  I was a guest author on The Balancing Act.  I cannot help but be so grateful for the many opportunities I have had to help others through my pain and what my family and I have endured with losing Matthew and facing such extreme physical battles with my health.  In Matthew's honor and memory, I move one foot in front of the other every day to persevere through adversities helping others along the way.

I have definitely learned that the hardest days for me are the days I need to help others the most!  And those days bring me great joy in doing so!

Yes there are hard days and just some plain ole' hard moments, like I had earlier... but right now, procedure scheduled and unsure of what will come of it, my heart is full of joy.  I look forward to what is to come recognizing how far I have gone already!  XOXO!  Have a beautiful day!  I plan to!  :)))

Click here to watch:
Interview on The Balancing Act

Adversity and Gratitude...

I was going to start this blog post by apologizing for what I may say, but I changed my mind.  This blog post will contain a little of what life is for me...  and although, this post may not contain any fashion tips, glitter or razzle dazzle, it will contain a couple of the raw ingredients I have to face daily.

Every day of my life, I face great physical adversity and the painful reminder that I went into the hospital to have a baby and left with with empty arms and a broken body.

The injuries I have are too many to list and the battles I have fought over the years are draining and numerous, both physically and emotionally.  

Every day, a challenge.  

Let me 'landscape' a little background for you, in doing so, I am sure you may hear a hint of aggravation in my 'tone...' once again, why I thought I would apologize at the beginning.

For some time now I have been dealing with insurance company and the fact that they do not want to pay for more than 200 catheters a month!  Ugh!  Can you hear me screaming that?  It seems to me that as if the loss of my son wasn't enough to bare, the insurance companies have added a little salt in the wounds... month after month... year after year... it is a battle.  Us verses the insurance companies and medical supply companies.  It seems the 'average' person should never use more than 200 catheters a month according to them!  Ugh again!  Really folks... can you just walk a day in someone's shoes before you can 'assume' such! I guess the 'average' person also gets to bring her baby home from the hospital!  Ugh!  

As much as I hate it, I am dependent upon catheters to live.  This is not a choice.  This is not an option... this is just the way it is.  Period.  My injuries have led me down a very painful, long road, and one without the baby I went into the hospital to have... 

Surgeries, tests, procedures, prescriptions, injections... doctors, specialists, hospitals, need  say more?  Ronnie and I have had our fair share of all of the above over the past 7 1/2 years... and it stinks! But I am so grateful for the doctors, the surgeries, and all of the above... and I am even grateful for the insurance companies and the supply companies!  Truly, I am.  My doctors are incredible and have helped me so much.  They are brilliant and it continues to show through the years of treatment with them and we wouldn't have a house or a dog if we didn't have insurance!  Yes, it would probably be correct to assume I am aggravated at the same time, very grateful! ;)

After several months of complications it is obvious that the 'manifestation' of my injuries and nerve damage are becoming more prominent and rearing their ugly heads.  Today was a painful reminder just how 'bleak' the future looks through the medical lens.  It seems the interstim device and the botox are no longer actively working for my bladder and  so far the medications used to treat it have not altered the complications I am experiencing.  My doctor has asked me to start to consider a bladder augmentation. 

He will do another eurodynamics test on me very soon, and we will go from there.  I will tell you that I cannot believe the word augmentation was used and I didn't start planning my shopping trip for a new bra!  I never thought if I had an 'augmentation' of anything that no one would be able to tell!  ;)  PS- for the record, I have had 2 rounds of botox in my bladder too!  

At the hospital cafeteria today, I asked Ronnie how was I going to grow old... My bones are frail and my bladder, well... no words there and couple that with the multiple injuries that I have and I could get a strong case of the freak outs if I let myself.  Been there, done that.

Ronnie's response to my question was simple and beautiful... he said "you will grow old with me."   Talk about a soothing salve for my soul.  We have been through so much together and it is amazing that every day God builds our relationship even stronger than the day before to face the adversities in our lives and to also experience the great joy in overcoming them, together.

Every adversity, every single one, makes me, makes us stronger!  And at the end of the day it is critical for me to be grateful in the midst of it all, even on the very worst day.  Grateful.

The heartbreak of losing Matthew, the struggle of physical injuries and pain are pretty relentless in the hard category and some days I want to scream I have had enough!  Yet, there is such a grounding place that I have in my faith that says God is here, God isn't going to give us more than we can bare and then I start seeking others to help, to encourage and to uplift.  This is how I refresh my soul.  

I learn so much on days like this... Every tear or fear I have isn't unnoticed by God and He is going to give me the strength and the grace to continue every moment I am here on earth.

I could take the loss of Matthew and the loss of my health and let my heart be hardened by it all... and by all counts, I believe somewhere I would believe I had that right to do so... But my heart and soul would not be content or at peace living that way.  

God spared my life and has blessed our family with Will in the most beautiful way... and I have these big blobs of mama tears when I think of the gift, the absolute joy he is to us... I cannot imagine life without Will.  We are a family... all 5 of us!  We need each other and are blessed every day that we get to spend together.

I am painfully aware that choosing joy is sometimes the most difficult to do, especially on days like today.  Yet in my heart, when I make that 'choice' it is then I have the most peace.

It is then I can give to others what I know that 5 minutes ago I needed!  HOPE, LOVE, ENCOURAGEMENT!  

I share my struggle and adversity today because I know someone reading this is struggling too and I want them to know that it is so possible to have complete joy in that adversity with God at  your side and in your heart!

Listen y'all... I am a textbook medical mess and I have no idea what will happen to me tomorrow or in 5 years or in 2 months, but God does!  He's got this and He's got me!  I cannot even pee for free!  (quit laughing!)  ;)  And my insurance companies would like to tell me how many times I can pee!  How would you like that?  It is awful... but it is my situation... my circumstance... and I have to live with it the best I can.  Period.

I always take a few days to 'digest' any discussions with my doctors, but today, I really don't feel the need to do so. I am determined to use this energy to find purpose and to help others.

My entire attitude shifted after I 'vented' in the top portion of this post and as I chose to be grateful my heart began to open to the wonderful blessings of JOY! 

I wish you all JOY today!  And I hope you will be inspired to share that joy with others!  Take your situation or your circumstance and turn it around to help someone else!  It is amazing that in doing so your heart will be uplifted! 

XO!

still GONE...

Today while doing errands, I passed the empty lot that Riemann Funeral Home was located on. I frequently travel this road but this afternoon, the moment my eyes went to the abandoned lot that once housed this place and held my son, I was crushed all over again.

Pierced.  My eyes filled with tears as I circled around to take a closer look... as I did, I realized it was still GONE.  All GONE!

I know it has been over 7 years since Hurricane Katrina washed it all away... but to me, today, it was as if it was yesterday that this place was demolished by the angry flood waters and the wind.

I was devastated.  I was overwhelmed that the place that held my baby for 3 weeks was gone too.  It was the only place I ever held my baby outside of the womb.  It was the place that I would see him for the very first time.  The memory of that day flooded my heart... the sadness, the tears, the rawness of seeing him in his little white 'bed' surrounded by blue flowers, hugging him hello and 2 hours later kissing him goodbye... it all came back... today.

I pulled my car up to take a picture and I just sat in disbelief that my son was gone... I believe this moment had nothing to do with the building at all but rather what the building once held and who I held while I was in there.  I wondered how I would feel if the building was still there, would I ever be able to walk in there again?  Was it easier to see nothing than something?

I even began to wonder when people look at me do they see what 'once was' or the remains of 'what is?'

As I stared at the emptiness of the lot, I saw the concrete that once was lined with hearses and police cars... and mamas like me... and babies gone away...

I saw my family grieving over the loss of my nephew when he was born still when I was 15  years old... I saw our family 16 years later grieving over my son in the very same place... The 'place' that was GONE... leaving behind nothing but an empty and abandoned lot....

I saw pain and I felt pain...

With my next breath I made a conscious choice to look beyond what used to be there and I saw life~!  I saw life and beauty  in the wildflowers growing in the cracked concrete, I saw big strong trees that withstood the waves and wind, I saw the blue sky... and suddenly I couldn't see anything but God's beauty and His creation surrounding the very place that moments before inundated me with sadness and tears.

I am so grateful God allowed me to see the beauty among the emptiness today. It filled my heart with peace and joy, even in the midst of my circumstances of really, really, really missing my baby boy...

Places or things that are GONE from my reach or sight will never be able to take away the memory of my little one or the most sacred moments that are held so deeply within my heart!

Whatever your circumstance is today, I hope you can choose at this moment to see the beauty that surrounds you... it may be in the cracked concrete that you find it, but it's there!

XO!

BLANK!

I sat down to write today feeling like I would have much to share... I got here... and I am BLANK!  Completely blank!

There are so many thoughts flying in and out of my head and I am inundated with so many emotions that I am really ready to get them out... well, BLANK BLANK BLANK BLANK BLANK...

Even looking at that I am shaking my head.  Why do I have so much to say, yet cannot speak it?

I have been spending lots of time outdoors, inspired by wildflowers and butterflies, the beach, the fall air... it is simply beautiful.

I am spending this time being grateful... grateful for everything, everyday, good or bad, I am grateful.

So I am grateful and inspired... and full of things to say... but simply just feel the need to be quiet.

I will be quiet and take in the lessons life is obviously teaching me, I will be quiet and listen to my children more, I will be quiet and learn to be a better listener to my friends and to strangers, I will be quiet and more attentive to my husband and family, I will be quiet so I can hear the melody playing in my heart...

I will be quiet and I will be still and know that HE IS GOD!

I quit trying to be her...

I QUIT trying to be 'her...'  the girl I was once as I looked in the mirror.

The girl I was before I knew how much the death of a child would sting.

I quit trying to do what others 'expected' of me.'

I quit trying to please people.

I quit trying to hide the pain, the suffering and guilt under mascara and lip gloss.

I quit trying to be who I knew... all I knew... she was gone.  I looked for her, a lot.  An awful lot.

I even tried to do my makeup and hair just like she did to see if that reflection matched the one in the mirror.

It didn't.

My heart and soul didn't match the reflection... my eyes were dense.  My complexion pale.

Sad.  I was so sad.

I only wanted to have my baby back... and to see myself as his mother in the mirror.

Fast forward 7 1/2 years later... and I don't see who I once was anymore...

But I DO see MATTHEW'S MAMA when I look at my reflection in the mirror.

I knew when I saw me again, I would be okay... I would be different, but I would be okay.

I am never going to be able to mother Matthew (physically) on this earth.  I had to accept that and figure out how to embrace what I did have... and I have a piece of paper that says I am his mother... I have his stamp in my heart... his pictures on my wall... and his love in my home.

I can see joy when I look in the mirror because I have worked hard to get that back!  I have worked hard to reclaim the joy of being who I am now and not wishing to be who I was.

Sure, I wish with all of my being that Matthew was here.  But he is not.  And for that reason I must carry on and represent his life with my work, my writing, my book and my family.  I must love that person I see in the mirror, and  I must be kind to her...after all she is pretty special to be the mama to the most wonderful boys ever!

I quit trying to be her... and I am happy with me!



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