Adversity and Gratitude...

I was going to start this blog post by apologizing for what I may say, but I changed my mind.  This blog post will contain a little of what life is for me...  and although, this post may not contain any fashion tips, glitter or razzle dazzle, it will contain a couple of the raw ingredients I have to face daily.

Every day of my life, I face great physical adversity and the painful reminder that I went into the hospital to have a baby and left with with empty arms and a broken body.

The injuries I have are too many to list and the battles I have fought over the years are draining and numerous, both physically and emotionally.  

Every day, a challenge.  

Let me 'landscape' a little background for you, in doing so, I am sure you may hear a hint of aggravation in my 'tone...' once again, why I thought I would apologize at the beginning.

For some time now I have been dealing with insurance company and the fact that they do not want to pay for more than 200 catheters a month!  Ugh!  Can you hear me screaming that?  It seems to me that as if the loss of my son wasn't enough to bare, the insurance companies have added a little salt in the wounds... month after month... year after year... it is a battle.  Us verses the insurance companies and medical supply companies.  It seems the 'average' person should never use more than 200 catheters a month according to them!  Ugh again!  Really folks... can you just walk a day in someone's shoes before you can 'assume' such! I guess the 'average' person also gets to bring her baby home from the hospital!  Ugh!  

As much as I hate it, I am dependent upon catheters to live.  This is not a choice.  This is not an option... this is just the way it is.  Period.  My injuries have led me down a very painful, long road, and one without the baby I went into the hospital to have... 

Surgeries, tests, procedures, prescriptions, injections... doctors, specialists, hospitals, need  say more?  Ronnie and I have had our fair share of all of the above over the past 7 1/2 years... and it stinks! But I am so grateful for the doctors, the surgeries, and all of the above... and I am even grateful for the insurance companies and the supply companies!  Truly, I am.  My doctors are incredible and have helped me so much.  They are brilliant and it continues to show through the years of treatment with them and we wouldn't have a house or a dog if we didn't have insurance!  Yes, it would probably be correct to assume I am aggravated at the same time, very grateful! ;)

After several months of complications it is obvious that the 'manifestation' of my injuries and nerve damage are becoming more prominent and rearing their ugly heads.  Today was a painful reminder just how 'bleak' the future looks through the medical lens.  It seems the interstim device and the botox are no longer actively working for my bladder and  so far the medications used to treat it have not altered the complications I am experiencing.  My doctor has asked me to start to consider a bladder augmentation. 

He will do another eurodynamics test on me very soon, and we will go from there.  I will tell you that I cannot believe the word augmentation was used and I didn't start planning my shopping trip for a new bra!  I never thought if I had an 'augmentation' of anything that no one would be able to tell!  ;)  PS- for the record, I have had 2 rounds of botox in my bladder too!  

At the hospital cafeteria today, I asked Ronnie how was I going to grow old... My bones are frail and my bladder, well... no words there and couple that with the multiple injuries that I have and I could get a strong case of the freak outs if I let myself.  Been there, done that.

Ronnie's response to my question was simple and beautiful... he said "you will grow old with me."   Talk about a soothing salve for my soul.  We have been through so much together and it is amazing that every day God builds our relationship even stronger than the day before to face the adversities in our lives and to also experience the great joy in overcoming them, together.

Every adversity, every single one, makes me, makes us stronger!  And at the end of the day it is critical for me to be grateful in the midst of it all, even on the very worst day.  Grateful.

The heartbreak of losing Matthew, the struggle of physical injuries and pain are pretty relentless in the hard category and some days I want to scream I have had enough!  Yet, there is such a grounding place that I have in my faith that says God is here, God isn't going to give us more than we can bare and then I start seeking others to help, to encourage and to uplift.  This is how I refresh my soul.  

I learn so much on days like this... Every tear or fear I have isn't unnoticed by God and He is going to give me the strength and the grace to continue every moment I am here on earth.

I could take the loss of Matthew and the loss of my health and let my heart be hardened by it all... and by all counts, I believe somewhere I would believe I had that right to do so... But my heart and soul would not be content or at peace living that way.  

God spared my life and has blessed our family with Will in the most beautiful way... and I have these big blobs of mama tears when I think of the gift, the absolute joy he is to us... I cannot imagine life without Will.  We are a family... all 5 of us!  We need each other and are blessed every day that we get to spend together.

I am painfully aware that choosing joy is sometimes the most difficult to do, especially on days like today.  Yet in my heart, when I make that 'choice' it is then I have the most peace.

It is then I can give to others what I know that 5 minutes ago I needed!  HOPE, LOVE, ENCOURAGEMENT!  

I share my struggle and adversity today because I know someone reading this is struggling too and I want them to know that it is so possible to have complete joy in that adversity with God at  your side and in your heart!

Listen y'all... I am a textbook medical mess and I have no idea what will happen to me tomorrow or in 5 years or in 2 months, but God does!  He's got this and He's got me!  I cannot even pee for free!  (quit laughing!)  ;)  And my insurance companies would like to tell me how many times I can pee!  How would you like that?  It is awful... but it is my situation... my circumstance... and I have to live with it the best I can.  Period.

I always take a few days to 'digest' any discussions with my doctors, but today, I really don't feel the need to do so. I am determined to use this energy to find purpose and to help others.

My entire attitude shifted after I 'vented' in the top portion of this post and as I chose to be grateful my heart began to open to the wonderful blessings of JOY! 

I wish you all JOY today!  And I hope you will be inspired to share that joy with others!  Take your situation or your circumstance and turn it around to help someone else!  It is amazing that in doing so your heart will be uplifted! 

XO!

still GONE...

Today while doing errands, I passed the empty lot that Riemann Funeral Home was located on. I frequently travel this road but this afternoon, the moment my eyes went to the abandoned lot that once housed this place and held my son, I was crushed all over again.

Pierced.  My eyes filled with tears as I circled around to take a closer look... as I did, I realized it was still GONE.  All GONE!

I know it has been over 7 years since Hurricane Katrina washed it all away... but to me, today, it was as if it was yesterday that this place was demolished by the angry flood waters and the wind.

I was devastated.  I was overwhelmed that the place that held my baby for 3 weeks was gone too.  It was the only place I ever held my baby outside of the womb.  It was the place that I would see him for the very first time.  The memory of that day flooded my heart... the sadness, the tears, the rawness of seeing him in his little white 'bed' surrounded by blue flowers, hugging him hello and 2 hours later kissing him goodbye... it all came back... today.

I pulled my car up to take a picture and I just sat in disbelief that my son was gone... I believe this moment had nothing to do with the building at all but rather what the building once held and who I held while I was in there.  I wondered how I would feel if the building was still there, would I ever be able to walk in there again?  Was it easier to see nothing than something?

I even began to wonder when people look at me do they see what 'once was' or the remains of 'what is?'

As I stared at the emptiness of the lot, I saw the concrete that once was lined with hearses and police cars... and mamas like me... and babies gone away...

I saw my family grieving over the loss of my nephew when he was born still when I was 15  years old... I saw our family 16 years later grieving over my son in the very same place... The 'place' that was GONE... leaving behind nothing but an empty and abandoned lot....

I saw pain and I felt pain...

With my next breath I made a conscious choice to look beyond what used to be there and I saw life~!  I saw life and beauty  in the wildflowers growing in the cracked concrete, I saw big strong trees that withstood the waves and wind, I saw the blue sky... and suddenly I couldn't see anything but God's beauty and His creation surrounding the very place that moments before inundated me with sadness and tears.

I am so grateful God allowed me to see the beauty among the emptiness today. It filled my heart with peace and joy, even in the midst of my circumstances of really, really, really missing my baby boy...

Places or things that are GONE from my reach or sight will never be able to take away the memory of my little one or the most sacred moments that are held so deeply within my heart!

Whatever your circumstance is today, I hope you can choose at this moment to see the beauty that surrounds you... it may be in the cracked concrete that you find it, but it's there!

XO!

BLANK!

I sat down to write today feeling like I would have much to share... I got here... and I am BLANK!  Completely blank!

There are so many thoughts flying in and out of my head and I am inundated with so many emotions that I am really ready to get them out... well, BLANK BLANK BLANK BLANK BLANK...

Even looking at that I am shaking my head.  Why do I have so much to say, yet cannot speak it?

I have been spending lots of time outdoors, inspired by wildflowers and butterflies, the beach, the fall air... it is simply beautiful.

I am spending this time being grateful... grateful for everything, everyday, good or bad, I am grateful.

So I am grateful and inspired... and full of things to say... but simply just feel the need to be quiet.

I will be quiet and take in the lessons life is obviously teaching me, I will be quiet and listen to my children more, I will be quiet and learn to be a better listener to my friends and to strangers, I will be quiet and more attentive to my husband and family, I will be quiet so I can hear the melody playing in my heart...

I will be quiet and I will be still and know that HE IS GOD!

I quit trying to be her...

I QUIT trying to be 'her...'  the girl I was once as I looked in the mirror.

The girl I was before I knew how much the death of a child would sting.

I quit trying to do what others 'expected' of me.'

I quit trying to please people.

I quit trying to hide the pain, the suffering and guilt under mascara and lip gloss.

I quit trying to be who I knew... all I knew... she was gone.  I looked for her, a lot.  An awful lot.

I even tried to do my makeup and hair just like she did to see if that reflection matched the one in the mirror.

It didn't.

My heart and soul didn't match the reflection... my eyes were dense.  My complexion pale.

Sad.  I was so sad.

I only wanted to have my baby back... and to see myself as his mother in the mirror.

Fast forward 7 1/2 years later... and I don't see who I once was anymore...

But I DO see MATTHEW'S MAMA when I look at my reflection in the mirror.

I knew when I saw me again, I would be okay... I would be different, but I would be okay.

I am never going to be able to mother Matthew (physically) on this earth.  I had to accept that and figure out how to embrace what I did have... and I have a piece of paper that says I am his mother... I have his stamp in my heart... his pictures on my wall... and his love in my home.

I can see joy when I look in the mirror because I have worked hard to get that back!  I have worked hard to reclaim the joy of being who I am now and not wishing to be who I was.

Sure, I wish with all of my being that Matthew was here.  But he is not.  And for that reason I must carry on and represent his life with my work, my writing, my book and my family.  I must love that person I see in the mirror, and  I must be kind to her...after all she is pretty special to be the mama to the most wonderful boys ever!

I quit trying to be her... and I am happy with me!



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making lemonade...

It is nearly 1 am- I can't sleep... WHY?  Because LIFE GAVE ME LEMONS and neuropathy is the sour stuff that keeps me awake some times!

We have all heard "When life gives you lemons... make lemonade!"

Perhaps, easier said than done, however when practiced enough, this can be done!

Tonight, I am thinking of many people I know that have been affected by some pretty awful lemons!  Life has been harsh; circumstances out of their control have dictated to them them such extreme pain.

Lemons.  Yuck!

Yes, I have had many lemons... many sour places...

It's almost like, okay... so I am trying really hard to make some lemonade but when I squeeze the stupid lemon, the juice burns the wound so badly!  BUT to get the lemonade, we have to keep squeezing through the pain... the sting... Anybody???

Through life, everyone has struggles... even small children that grow up in a divorced home will one day, as adults, have to choose to be bitter or better.  We all do regardless of what we go through.  There will be a crossroad we arrive at... it is there we must make the choice to use the trial for helping others and growing stronger or we will use the trial as a clutch to blame others for our hurts and put a wall around ourselves so no one is allowed in our space- (also known as trying to protect ourselves)   I'll throw my hands in the air, I've done this!  BUT I have learned that holding onto my bag of lemons instead of making lemonade hurts me!  These lemons when used correctly by adding the necessary ingredients, can quench my thirst by making a big glass of lemonade and benefit me (and others) instead of hinder me or hinder others!  Not only can I use my lemons to make myself a drink, I could also offer some to my neighbor... there's a real lesson in that if you think about it a while. :)

Many nights, I have laid in bed in tremendous pain while suffering intense neuropathy and I held lemons!  I was left with lemons and not a baby! I was left with lemons... a very scarred body and permanent injuries! I cried.  I yelled!  I was mad at God! I was probably mad at everyone!   To say I was suffering in silence is an understatement!

Tonight... I could still scream about the neuropathy and hold that bag of lemons...  BUT instead, my hands are free and I am using this time to share my heart, Matthew's story, our hope in Christ, my testimony,  Facets of Life, Arbonne... I am using my time to help others... and by doing this... I AM MAKING LEMONADE!

If you are holding lemons tonight, I am so sorry friend... but I do know that the experience of making lemonade, although not always pleasant, is so worthwhile!

Big hugs to all!

LCW

college preparatory... growing up

So, this is college move in time of the year...  Two weeks ago, we moved my nephew Brett in for his Freshman year...  And just yesterday, we moved Brittany and Brooke (his two best friends) into their college dorm.  It was really the first dorm room experience I had trying to figure out twin beds, (stack them or not...)  the quickest way to make a boys dorm room sanitized and smell good, and of course I learned really quick the boys dorm room only needed bean bags and an X-Box while the girls couldn't survive without sequins and Scenty's!  Ultimately the time was about getting the kids settled in, but knowing the outcome of the day would be saying goodbye... This may have been my first dorm experience but this was not my first in saying goodbye to someone I loved so much and then have to figure out how to survive in their absence as I know many of these mothers on these days are feeling.

I have had nephews and nieces go off to college through the years, and it still hurt my heart for my sister when she cried last week when her 2 boys left for college, and this isn't even her first year at this... her boys are a junior and a senior at Ole Miss.  Thus, by my own indications of watching my sister, it doesn't get easier as the years pass. (My mom always said "it gets harder as your children get older"- I think I understand what she was talking about now)

Clearly, when we are preparing to be a mother, we DREAM about what he or she will be like when they are born, when they grow up... what kindergarten will bring, then middle school... and of course, where will they be sitting the night that they say goodbye to their high school journey and head to greet life in trade school or college... we are full of HOPE that they will make great choices, be the best they can be, and hope that their dream is bigger than ours...

I sometimes think at birth, we go into 'college preparatory" mode and never come out... everything we do is geared around raising our children for the next step in life, from introducing solid foods to potty training, from high school to college... we daily prepare them (and ourselves) to be ready for what comes next.  That's what parents do. We hold their hands until they can walk and then (sigh), 'let go....'

I remember so much being pregnant with Nathan, (now 12 yrs old and in 7th grade) and I used to wonder ALL of the time what he would be like... would he like Ole Miss like his daddy?  Would he love peanut butter like me?  Would he?  Will he?  Is he?  I DREAMED, I HOPED for the VERY BEST FOR HIM!  And today, I see a beautiful, solid young man.  His heart, full of compassion and life... and his eyes full of faith.  He sees, often times, what I cannot!  Hebrews 11:1 says "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Nathan has had to live being sure of his faith... he held and kissed his baby brother after he passed away, he saw his mama on life support, he sat at the end of the hospital hallway at 5 years old beside his daddy as they pleaded with God to keep me here on earth.  He BELIEVED, HE DREAMED AND HE HOPED.  And although life  has given to him many challenges, he has remained driven and determined to persevere through adversity.  A recent purchase of new cleats, size 10, let me know just how much and how fast Nathan was growing up!  Tomorrow night I will be his biggest fan as he plays his first middle school football game, and at the same time, I will be tenderly aware that so many won't get that opportunity of seeing their boys on the field.  

And then I remember being pregnant with Matthew... Oh the DREAMS AND HOPES I had for him!  I "knew what to expect!"  Because I had a son already... I "knew" what it would be like to give birth, to experience that rush of goodness and grace as the first cry would  come... Oh how I anticipated hearing him, loving him as he grew up... watching him grow up... seeing him learn to ride a bike... I wondered would he be like his daddy and need 4 coats of sunscreen on or would he be a beach bunny like me?  I wondered if he would have my eyes or his daddy's hair... what he would like to eat, to do, would he like baseball or football better... (I can honestly say, I never wondered if any of my boys would like basketball, in my mind that wasn't an option)  Sorry to all of my sweet basketball friends..,, I love you but the squeaking of the tennis shoes coupled with the wardrobe (ugly shorts) drive me crazy!

My heart, my mind, my soul and with every breath I had, my hopes and dreams were so misplaced - so very broken - so NOT what I EVER thought it would be!  I would learn to live my hopes and my dreams in a new way.  I would learn to believe in heaven more than I ever did before.  I would learn to be broken and still be able to stand.  I would learn to love him and be his mother on this side of heaven.  I would learn to let go of the hopes and dreams I had for him on earth and pour all of that into helping others through his story.  This is how he is 'GROWING' with us... in our home... in our hearts... this is how he is 'REMEMBERED AND LOVED'  by many...  Matthew left the earth, but remained in our hearts and our lives and continues to grow daily... daily with us.

And then our little Will. our JOY, our LIGHT came into this world through the selfless and admirable love of someone who chose to let him live... our most amazing GIFT of life is now almost 6 years old and I am so honored to be his mommy!  I cannot express how much joy he gives to us.  I found myself learning how  to HOPE AND DREAM again... I remember the day when I realized I get another chance to be a mama!  Could anything be better?  All of the things I had to let go of with Matthew, I could now embrace again!  There would be bedtime stories... and tooth fairies and riding a bike!  And as we are in his 3rd week of kindergarten, I am looking ahead HOPING and DREAMING of what he will  become... how he will grow up... where will he go to college... what kind of car or truck will he want?  He is so tall that everyone always says he should play basketball! (cough, cough... didn't they get my memo?)   He has filled our home with more laughter and complete JOY than I could ever explain!!!

Hopes and dreams... hopes and dreams...

As I was looking around yesterday at the college students and parents, it didn't go unnoticed in my heart that I would never get this experience with Matthew... and it broke my heart all over again.  I know I let go of the hopes and dreams I had for him on earth in a physical way... but my mama heart still longs to hold him again, see a smiley face on his school paper or hug him goodbye as I leave the college campus.  SURREAL. All the while being SO VERY GRATEFUL for the 2 precious boys I have here with me.

There were boxes surrounding the hallway with names and room numbers on them...  There will never be boxes at college with his room number or name... NEVER.  There will never be a campus security guard to check his student ID... NEVER.  Once again, SURREAL...  but all the while SO VERY GRATEFUL for the 2 precious boys I have here with me!

The absence of Matthew, in a physical sense, causes such random and unbearable heartache. I can honestly say that NEVER goes away.  Deep within my heart, I know I will never be able to experience life with him on earth and it stings. Period.

Ronnie looked at Will the other day and said he couldn't believe Will was already almost 6 years old... and then he said, he wished  he would stay 6 forever.  I said, not me... because as much as I don't want him to grow up too fast... I still want him to grow up... because that means he will still be here with me.  I want my boys to grow up... to experience life... to graduate from high school...and yes, I want them to go to college... I want to be all up in their dorm room cleaning and rearranging.... and praying.  I want to kiss them goodbye on the campus before I drive off.... why?  Because growing up is a gift... and I want to have that gift forever.  And one day, after I am gone... I want them to come back to me and Matthew in heaven.

If you have a child going off to college, I hope you know what a gift that is... it is truly a blessing to be able to raise your children.... pray for your children and understand that with each new chapter comes a new heart string...  One that can be pulled from so far away... even from heaven!

Jeremiah 29:11 is probably one of the most read and gifted Bible verses at graduation time and college move in days... it says "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Here's to hope and a good future to each one of you... and here's to hearing "goodbye mom" and then getting a phone call an hour later with a great big "I love you" on the other end!  Here's to the tears as you close the door and drive off campus and here's to the tears as you get the dirty laundry basket at the first visit home!  GIFTS!  THOSE ARE GIFTS!!!

My love and well wishes to all of you kids who are experiencing these fresh new days of college life~ and to you parents, I know hearing "Bye Mom" may be so hard, but I am SO THANKFUL you are getting to experience that with your child.  I haven't been in your shoes yet... but God willing, I will be... 2 times!

XO,

LCW

My last first day of kindergarten...

Well, it is here..."my last first day of kindergarten!"

I am totally unsure of how I 'feel...'

You see, 7 years ago was my 'last first day of kindergarten too.'

I was supposed to be driving Nathan to his first day of kindergarten with a brand new baby in tow... As you know, there was a beautiful baby, but the only car ride I ever went on with him was to the cemetery.  But in all of my accounts, my plans... I was to have Matthew here with me to take care of and tend to as Nathan went off to his first day of school.  I had nothing in the back seat after bringing Nathan to school.  Nothing.

Tears... oh  my mercy, yes I had tears!  I was completely stressed out to leave my only son I had here on earth in a place that I could not be.  I even thought of homeschooling... for a brief moment, anyway.  But I knew it was best for Nathan to have friends, and field trips and cafeteria lunches...(well... maybe not best for cafeteria lunches, but you know what I mean.)

Taking the first step in letting his hand go that day was extremely difficult.  I had just lost Matthew and I didn't want to 'trust' anyone with my surviving child.  Thank God for his wonderful teacher... Mrs. Perniciaro!  I knew she would love him for me and she did just that!

I was so sick in those days of kindergarten for Nathan.  I remember all of my hair was almost gone and I had to get a wig.  When I would visit the school, the kids would notice and ask me about my hair.  In the midst of all my health issues... hair was just hair!  I could have cared less about hair on my head, hair on a wig, or anything like that.  BUT I needed hair so that Nathan would not see the evidence of just how sick I was.  (My sweet friend, JoAn Nicely at Pink Heart Funds donated my first wig to me... if you have not visited her site, please do! PHF is an incredible non-profit organization!  A lot of people don't realize I was once in need of hair and it was graciously given to me- I donated the wig back to her when my hair grew back and I was no longer wearing it) - However, I did purchase a long hair wig that I kept and bring her out from time to time! :)

My body was so sick and weak.  I was sick and weak.  I missed so much of Nathan's life in those days due to my injuries and the sickness in my body.  My sister would attend field trips.  I don't hesitate to say I was envious that she was able to be with him... but at the same time I was so grateful she was there for him.  It was tough.

Somehow, we survived 'my last first day of kindergarten...'
P.S.- I had a hysterectomy so I couldn't have any more children. This was the only kindergarten I would get!  It would be my first and my last.  So I thought!

BUT... who knew that my last first day of kindergarten would come again?  God knew!!!  And He has given me a REDO with Will!  I am so happy and grateful that it will be ME taking field trips with him this year!  I don't have to stay in the bed because I am so sick!  I don't have to have a 'substitute' for me!  I can be me!  I can be Will's mama!

Lynette was talking to me earlier about how emotional she got sharing how much better I am doing as Will is starting school than when Nathan did.  She was sharing my testimony with Arbonne and that she used to have to do field trips, etc and that this year as Will is starting, she won't have too!  What an emotional moment for me as I understand where I was 7 years ago... thinking it was my last first day of kindergarten and that I would never get to experience the things I missed with Nathan in those early days... well, woo hoo on the kazoo, because Mama has another 'last first day of kindergarten' and I couldn't be happier for that GIFT or the incredible blessing of being Will's mama!

So, now... I still don't know how I 'feel' about all of this... because I 'feel' so grateful, happy, full of joy, and at the same time my heart hurts because my baby is growing up... but I also know how much growing up is so important and that every day he is here with us to grow up is a blessing!  I know I will never get a redo with Nathan in kindergarten, but God sure made a great Nay Nay to take my place during that time... and I will never get to take Matthew to school... but I am taking great delight and having an extra serving of gratefulness as the tears will be different on this 'first last day of kindergarten!'

Tomorrow starts our new adventure!  7th grade and kindergarten!  Whew!  Am I ready?  I don't know... but it is here!  And I certainly am thankful that I get this gift again!

I am signing off a little emotional about looking back on what I thought was to be my last first day of kindergarten and now I am sending Nate off to 7th grade...  what a difference these years have made!

As Will has been preparing this week to go to 'big boy school,' God has been preparing my heart for a new season...a new season of motherhood, a new season of writing, a new season of our Arbonne business and a new season of change.  I embrace it...  I accept it and I challenge myself to be the best wife and mother I can be and remain as pro-active with my health as I can be for them.  They are so worth it!

They are SO worth it! 

I think I am all smiles and then a tear or two falls... but I get to do it again! :)  I get another last first day of kindergarten!  And that dear friends is a miracle, Will is our miracle... and tomorrow my last first day of kindergarten is no less than a blessing from above!  God is such a restoring God!  All the way around!

Here is to a new season and a new last first day of kindergarten!  Gonna smile on that one! :)

xoxo!

LCW