Tuesday, January 22, 2013
disabilities, life with them
I usually blog about baby and child loss, and life after, but today, I wanted to talk a little bit about life after loss with disabilities.
It took me many years to admit I had a "disability... much less disabilities." And to this day I get mad when I hear the word "handicapped." Seriously, I just do.
Me, handicapped? Yes, yes I am.
Sigh.
I wasn't always like this, you know disabled and all.
I was completely healthy until I went into labor with my second son. And that time, those moments changed my life forever. That time left me without my son and without my health, for my lifetime.
Sigh.
I remember applying for a "temporary" handicapped parking tag, you know the one you can hang on your mirror. I was okay with doing that, because it was temporary, right? It even had an expiration date on it! YAY! When it expired, I would be not handicapped anymore, right?
Wrong.
Sigh.
It would be then I was asked to get a "permanent" handicapped tag... and it would be then I said "NO!" I haven't gotten one since.
I remember going into the handicap stall at a bathroom and when I walked out got drilled by a lady telling me that stall was for those that "needed" it...
Sigh.
I needed it, she just couldn't "see" my disability.
Think twice before you ever assume someone is or is not in need of that handicap position.
Okay back to that bathroom story real quick, so I did yank my catheter out of my purse and practically shoved it in that woman's face to let her know I obviously was in the "right" stall and that she was way out of line... she apologized and left quickly. Hmmmm... wonder why?
Now, to the rest of the story.
Lately I have been really frustrated with life, just life after such loss. It is hard, really hard. And coupled together with the loss of my son, it doesn't seem to get easier, but with God's grace, I get through every day.
I am well aware of how blessed I am, you can refer to my blog yesterday in regards to that!
But today, just wanted to reach those that I don't have the "connections" with through social media.
Those out there that suffer with a disability(ies) like me.
Who are you? Where are you? I wonder do you get frustrated as I do? But with the same breath thank the Lord for life, even as it is?
I mean, real life, real life with injuries stinks.
Like the concern/ worry/ aggravation I have every month of running out of catheters. I cannot pee for free and that always weighs on my mind.
200 catheters are what I am "allowed." And apparently, I am only supposed to use 4-6 of them a day... well, they obviously didn't know me before my injury! I have always been the pee baby! Always!
I have to closely monitor the amounts of liquid I intake because I know that the more I drink, the more I have to pee... the more catheters I use... the sooner I run out!
You may be thinking omgosh, TMI here, but I promise there is a point to all of this! Keep reading!
WHY oh WHY can the insurance companies or the government tell me or anyone else how many catheters we can use? I mean, really? Do they think I am going to black market them or something?
Geez, it's a never ending battle. Every month the struggle on the phones with the people on the other end asking me are you sure you need so many? DUH! I almost cannot tolerate the conversations. Okay, okay sometimes I haven't tolerated them so well. But...
Anywho...!!! Then there's that concern if something happens, you know like a natural disaster or something... hmmm, like a hurricane or something! If I am in a place where there are no catheters... I may be the only one checking in on a plane with 120 catheters for 3 days, but anything can happen, don't we know that? When we traveled to the Bahamas, I carried an entire suitcase of catheters. I mean who knew what would happen as we were travelling... or if we would be delayed.
There is the really raw part of disabilities such as these things that perhaps no one gives much thought to, unless you are a care giver or the one with the disability. These things are real, and they don't go away.
When you rely on health care to LIVE not just survive, there is a great shift! I promise!
I know many have experienced things as I am talking about, and that is why I am talking about them.
I look at so many young people with visible disabilities and imagine how life is for them... the daily tasks, the medical supplies, medicines and I also think about their caregivers. And then I look around at our veterans and elders with visible disabilities, such as my dad, and it makes me more determined to want to not park in that space so that it will be available for them!
I also think that my pride, yes I said it, my pride won't give in to the handicap word. So if I have pride, why would I be writing this? See, I am working on my pride! I am working on humility in this disability. I am trying to take this and turn it around. There is nothing wrong with the word handicapped, there is nothing wrong with being handicapped... nothing. I am handicapped. I am living with major disablities but that doesn't handicap me from helping others and wanting to try my best to live, as I know it doesn't so many others as well.
This is where inspiration comes from, like the couple that had their first dance (blog post yesterday) as he was in a wheelchair! I get so taken back by obstacles people overcome and I want to do that too! I want to overcome every obstacle that I will face, as I have already overcome many. I want to inspire others to do the same too!
I want to encourage the caregivers! I know it is hard! I have seen my husband care for me and my mom beside my father's side for years! You are so special! You are appreciated and loved!
I want to encourage those of you with disabilities... if you struggle like me, don't give up! Find something everyday to motivate you to help others. In that, you will be helped!
I am not sure how you are injured, what caused your disability or if you don't like the "h" word either, but I know life is hard when you are merely trying to live life the best to your ability after tragedy comes and takes what once was yours... strips it all away and offers you nothing in return but 200 catheters a month and a permanent handicapped tag!
I will tell you that my mom (she loves yard sales) and she was at a yard sale last year and a woman was selling a large bag of male catheters.... (WHAT?) yes, I said that... and she told the lady about me and the lady gave her that bag... well, when my mom handed it to me, I laughed a little and almost cried a little but was grateful I would have a "stash" to put away, you know for a hurricane or something... well, since my supply of 200 a month have run short every month, I have been using that stash... gasp, of male catheters from a yard sale! Well, if that didn't just take my pride and knock it all the way down, I am not sure what will! I even told my doctor with tears streaming down my face that this is what I was having to use until the insurance company would ship my order out... it just doesn't make sense to me, at all! BUT I will say that those male catheters (please know they were still wrapped in medical sterile packaging! so no freak outs on me, okay?) LOL! were indeed a huge, huge FREE blessing! That lady had no idea how blessed I was to have those in supply! Today, I wait on my order, and today, I used the very last one of the yard sale catheters! God's timing is pretty good! Yes?
Now I anxiously await the arrival of my medical supplies, and pray to God for another blessing of catheters to have for when my supply is running out! It is crazy that this is even an issue. Crazy.
SO, see, people, I look like I have it all together on the outside... but in my purse I have been carrying male catheters from a yard sale because my insurance won't cover any more!
If you can relate to anything on this post and have had some really bad days or frustrating times with your life and health care, I understand! And I send to you all a great big hug!
And please take the following advice and pass it on... If you ever see someone come out of a handicap stall that doesn't appear to be handicapped, be KIND to them! You never ever know if they have yard sale catheters in their handbag!
Have a beautiful day and as that sweet little girl said that suffers from progeria, "Be FABULOUS!" I plan to!
XOXO!
Monday, January 21, 2013
being sick and fabulous!
Friday my voice started to leave me and by the evening, I could only whisper. I get seasonal laryngitis and apparently, tis' the season.
So, I grabbed my roll of tissue paper, my lip saver and detox oil and hunkered down for the night. Who knew today I would still be beside my tissue paper, my lip saver and detox oil? Whew, I have a yucky cold.
I have managed to be out of bed very little this weekend due to the fatigue and symptoms I am having. Ugh, I just feel ugh.
I have been able to talk today a little bit, but when I talk for over a minute or two, I cough... and cough... so silence is still golden, so to speak, or not!
I was telling my sister earlier I think this is the worst cold I have ever gotten. But truth is, I really just don't remember having colds. Or being acutely sick with the flu, or anything else. I know I get sick, I know I get colds, but the one thing that makes it all so "un-memorable" is that these things go away, and my permanent injuries do not... so everything else I battle seems so unforgettable and small. Everything. Ah, I just have a cold! In a week, I will be over it! I sure wish I could say that about the rest of my physical ailments! But... anyway.
I have literally had some serious silence over the weekend, needing more rest than usual and not wanting my kids to get this yucky cold, so I have reclused in my room while life around me has taken place. Thank God for a wonderful husband that takes such awesome care of my boys and me! And for family that always is there to help! Always!
I have to tell you that on Friday night, night one of my 'silence,' I watched 20/20. Wow, talk about leaving an impression on my heart.
Barbara Walters was interviewing precious children with the disease, progeria. Suddenly, all that I had, all of my injuries down to my snotty nose and lack of voice didn't mattter, at all! I am very aware how blessed I am and always brought to my knees when I see children who are suffering. Watching these little girls and their parents caused many emotions for me. Many. I wanted to change the channel, but I couldn't. This was reality, and I wanted to learn more about the reality that these families face daily. I was completely inspired at the smiles on the faces of these children and encouraged to see the hope the parents held within. I pray for progress in treatment for this awful disease. One of the little girls simply wanted real hair... I thought, I want her to have real hair too! And as parents of healthy children, we take great delight in providing what our children want when we can... but these parents can't give her what she wants...real hair. The pain in that alone is overwhelming. One of the little girls ended her interview with saying "Don't let anything ruin your life." Wow. And her goal was to just "be fabulous!"
As if the first segment of the show didn't have me adding to my pile of tissue, the second segment aired. It told of a young couple marrying after he had been paralyzed in an accident. They wanted to have a special first dance at their wedding and it showed the couple, along with many others in wheelchairs dancing to beautiful music! I felt like I was on inspirational overload... literally.
The determination this couple had, the courage it took to dance after the tragedy, I could feel as I watched the story unfold and their wedding guests floored when the music started to play!
I started thinking about the future for my health in regards to the "migration" of my injuries and I became overwhelmed at the very thought of being in a wheelchair, which was the prediction for me at five years after injury. This is year eight. Eight. I knew in my heart at that instant, if I were in a chair at five years, or eight or twenty post injury, I would not be alone. RW would be there to push me, love me and dance with me, even once the music stopped.
In that moment I was completely humbled. I was grateful for healthy children, I was grateful for my husband, I was grateful for these injured legs and feet... I was absolutely grateful I learned to dance again after tragedy and even more determined to keep dancing!
Though the amounts of tissue have been really grand lately here, and the cold is lingering like crazy, I know it will go away. I will recover and forget I ever had this cold, again. I will forget about the lack of sleep from coughing and sneezing, but I will never forget the lesson I learned while being silent. I will never forget the words from that precious little girl... "Don't let anything ruin your life... and be fabulous!"
I think I will take her up on her advice! :) Maybe you should too!
So, I grabbed my roll of tissue paper, my lip saver and detox oil and hunkered down for the night. Who knew today I would still be beside my tissue paper, my lip saver and detox oil? Whew, I have a yucky cold.
I have managed to be out of bed very little this weekend due to the fatigue and symptoms I am having. Ugh, I just feel ugh.
I have been able to talk today a little bit, but when I talk for over a minute or two, I cough... and cough... so silence is still golden, so to speak, or not!
I was telling my sister earlier I think this is the worst cold I have ever gotten. But truth is, I really just don't remember having colds. Or being acutely sick with the flu, or anything else. I know I get sick, I know I get colds, but the one thing that makes it all so "un-memorable" is that these things go away, and my permanent injuries do not... so everything else I battle seems so unforgettable and small. Everything. Ah, I just have a cold! In a week, I will be over it! I sure wish I could say that about the rest of my physical ailments! But... anyway.
I have literally had some serious silence over the weekend, needing more rest than usual and not wanting my kids to get this yucky cold, so I have reclused in my room while life around me has taken place. Thank God for a wonderful husband that takes such awesome care of my boys and me! And for family that always is there to help! Always!
I have to tell you that on Friday night, night one of my 'silence,' I watched 20/20. Wow, talk about leaving an impression on my heart.
Barbara Walters was interviewing precious children with the disease, progeria. Suddenly, all that I had, all of my injuries down to my snotty nose and lack of voice didn't mattter, at all! I am very aware how blessed I am and always brought to my knees when I see children who are suffering. Watching these little girls and their parents caused many emotions for me. Many. I wanted to change the channel, but I couldn't. This was reality, and I wanted to learn more about the reality that these families face daily. I was completely inspired at the smiles on the faces of these children and encouraged to see the hope the parents held within. I pray for progress in treatment for this awful disease. One of the little girls simply wanted real hair... I thought, I want her to have real hair too! And as parents of healthy children, we take great delight in providing what our children want when we can... but these parents can't give her what she wants...real hair. The pain in that alone is overwhelming. One of the little girls ended her interview with saying "Don't let anything ruin your life." Wow. And her goal was to just "be fabulous!"
As if the first segment of the show didn't have me adding to my pile of tissue, the second segment aired. It told of a young couple marrying after he had been paralyzed in an accident. They wanted to have a special first dance at their wedding and it showed the couple, along with many others in wheelchairs dancing to beautiful music! I felt like I was on inspirational overload... literally.
The determination this couple had, the courage it took to dance after the tragedy, I could feel as I watched the story unfold and their wedding guests floored when the music started to play!
I started thinking about the future for my health in regards to the "migration" of my injuries and I became overwhelmed at the very thought of being in a wheelchair, which was the prediction for me at five years after injury. This is year eight. Eight. I knew in my heart at that instant, if I were in a chair at five years, or eight or twenty post injury, I would not be alone. RW would be there to push me, love me and dance with me, even once the music stopped.
In that moment I was completely humbled. I was grateful for healthy children, I was grateful for my husband, I was grateful for these injured legs and feet... I was absolutely grateful I learned to dance again after tragedy and even more determined to keep dancing!
Though the amounts of tissue have been really grand lately here, and the cold is lingering like crazy, I know it will go away. I will recover and forget I ever had this cold, again. I will forget about the lack of sleep from coughing and sneezing, but I will never forget the lesson I learned while being silent. I will never forget the words from that precious little girl... "Don't let anything ruin your life... and be fabulous!"
I think I will take her up on her advice! :) Maybe you should too!
Monday, January 14, 2013
seeking the good...
It's been a while since I have been on the computer to write... not because I haven't had anything to say, but perhaps because I have had to filter it out!
The last couple of weeks have been hard to say the least for many of our friends and family. I mean there have been some really bad days! Know what I mean, some really tough days!
Both mentally and physically, these weeks have challenged me. I had two options, stop or keep going. These weeks have given me an ultimatum for how this too would pass. They have challenged me to push harder, to meditate on the promises that God has given to us over and over and to just not quit!
I am fully aware that quitting would be a whole lot easier than persevering! That I know to be true! But quitting wouldn't lead me to where I need to go. And I must get to where I am going!
I have relived Matthew's death, his funeral services over and over in my head and heart so much lately. I recall the moment my husband drove me to the cemetery (and I was so sick in that moment, physically) to look at the little piece of ground reserved for Matthew.... WHY, WHY, WHY was I there? Well, I had to approve of the place that my son's body would be laid to rest! That is so surreal to me... all of it is... still!
I don't remember the drive there, I don't remember RW ever asking me about it, I don't remember anything but walking to that place and saying yes. Yes this would be an okay spot!
BUT what I say now is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can honestly say I have not the slightest idea of what I was doing, what I was thinking or what was happening to me or what had even happened to my baby. How did I get there?
I wasn't present enough physically or emotionally to understand my baby was gone. I just have flashes of the moments that take my breath away. That is one of them.
How do you pick a place for your baby? How do you find the perfect place? The perfect place would have been in my arms and in our home... not out there.
I get so sick when I know that mommies and daddies every day are having to take that walk... and it makes me so sad... I know what comes next and that makes me even sadder.
One of my friends went to the cemetery with me around Christmas time and we were talking...she is going through some touch challenges as well and I stopped what I was doing (weeding the gravesite) and I looked at her and said, "Rest assured that what you are going through today will be different next year... your circumstances will change and next year at this time, your life will be different. You will be in a new place in life... BUT I will still be HERE! I will still be at the cemetery doing exactly what we are doing today."
That's what happens when you lose a child... it never changes. And year after year, life goes on, new things come and go, changes are in place all around us as we still stand in the same place, the place that holds what we cannot. With great hope I embrace the change for good in my friends and families lives... and I embrace the change that will lead to better days. And with great understanding I know one thing that will never change in my life. And that is loss. And next year you will find me at the very same place I was this year...as I will be the rest of my life.
When so much in the world is going bad, sometimes you just long for some good... even if it just a little tiny piece of good. Good for your neighbors, good for your friends and family... and good for you.
So I seek the good. Today, I seek the good.
Today, I can say I haven't given up... and that is good.
Today, I have a roof over my head... and that is good.
Today, I have family and that is really, really good!
Today, I have a greater appreciation for life than I ever have, and that is good.
Today, is one day closer to seeing Matthew, and that is GREAT!
I hope you will seek the good today!
The last couple of weeks have been hard to say the least for many of our friends and family. I mean there have been some really bad days! Know what I mean, some really tough days!
Both mentally and physically, these weeks have challenged me. I had two options, stop or keep going. These weeks have given me an ultimatum for how this too would pass. They have challenged me to push harder, to meditate on the promises that God has given to us over and over and to just not quit!
I am fully aware that quitting would be a whole lot easier than persevering! That I know to be true! But quitting wouldn't lead me to where I need to go. And I must get to where I am going!
I have relived Matthew's death, his funeral services over and over in my head and heart so much lately. I recall the moment my husband drove me to the cemetery (and I was so sick in that moment, physically) to look at the little piece of ground reserved for Matthew.... WHY, WHY, WHY was I there? Well, I had to approve of the place that my son's body would be laid to rest! That is so surreal to me... all of it is... still!
I don't remember the drive there, I don't remember RW ever asking me about it, I don't remember anything but walking to that place and saying yes. Yes this would be an okay spot!
BUT what I say now is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can honestly say I have not the slightest idea of what I was doing, what I was thinking or what was happening to me or what had even happened to my baby. How did I get there?
I wasn't present enough physically or emotionally to understand my baby was gone. I just have flashes of the moments that take my breath away. That is one of them.
How do you pick a place for your baby? How do you find the perfect place? The perfect place would have been in my arms and in our home... not out there.
"There is no longer walk than to walk the path a mother has to take to bury her child. And no path more frequently visited, whether on foot or in her heart or mind, the path always lies deep within her soul." LCW ~ "Facets of Life ~ What I Didn't Expect When I was Expecting"
I get so sick when I know that mommies and daddies every day are having to take that walk... and it makes me so sad... I know what comes next and that makes me even sadder.
One of my friends went to the cemetery with me around Christmas time and we were talking...she is going through some touch challenges as well and I stopped what I was doing (weeding the gravesite) and I looked at her and said, "Rest assured that what you are going through today will be different next year... your circumstances will change and next year at this time, your life will be different. You will be in a new place in life... BUT I will still be HERE! I will still be at the cemetery doing exactly what we are doing today."
When so much in the world is going bad, sometimes you just long for some good... even if it just a little tiny piece of good. Good for your neighbors, good for your friends and family... and good for you.
So I seek the good. Today, I seek the good.
Today, I can say I haven't given up... and that is good.
Today, I have a roof over my head... and that is good.
Today, I have family and that is really, really good!
Today, I have a greater appreciation for life than I ever have, and that is good.
Today, is one day closer to seeing Matthew, and that is GREAT!
I hope you will seek the good today!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
another season of change...
It sure is a bitter cold day today in South MS... (for my Northern friends, don't laugh!) ;)
I am sitting by my large window soaking up the sun WHEN it decides to shine! My cat, right beside me, has decided it is the warmest place in the house too. I just haven't been able to get warm today. If you know me personally, you know if I am not having a hot flash, I am cold. Due to the extreme nerve damage I have, my body temperature is always like 10 degrees colder from my waist down. I literally have to use heating pads, hot socks, hot water, etc to get warm. A blanket may keep the wind away or protect from the cold air, but it won't warm me up. So, unless there is a heated seat or a microwave in the close vicinity, I won't be leaving my house today.
As I type this, my husband is out gathering more firewood... he is such a doll~! :)
I have been praying for all of the elderly people who don't have someone to gather firewood or build them a fire... who don't have adequate heat their bodies need to survive. I have also been thinking of all of the poor animals who are not sheltered in the cold weather. The homeless, the sick... I know there are parents walking around with their children praying for miracles. I pray for that too. For miracles, for sunshine, for warmth in the air, love surrounding them, for shelter, for love and mercy.
We all need love and mercy, and we need to be gracious and generous in giving it too.
I have had to give myself plenty of mercy and grace this month... recovery from surgery has been difficult and usually December is packed full of parties, sights to see, bells to ring, shopping, eating, travelling here and there to take in all of the Christmas decorations we can...the list goes on~!
Well, this year, it was not quite like that... it was different. Physically, I was in a different place and we all know that when we are in a physical place of change, pain or healing, it has the potential to change your plans... Albeit, I would normally just slap some lip gloss, mascara and a cute pair of shoes and just go with it whatever the circumstances, but I couldn't this time. I had to stop doing everything and completely focus on the 'need to do' list, not my 'want to do list.' It was so hard! Still is!
Coupled with healing from my surgery, I have also been suffering with some really difficult problems with my legs, especially my left one and my left foot. Not sure why, but when you have nerve damage and the injuries such as I have, an explanation of any of it cannot be found. This has limited, very much, what I can do, how long I can walk, stand... and I don't like it one bit. I have found myself all month up an hour, in bed for 8... and so on.
Talk about changing life and the month of December for me~! And for my family! I really had to search my life, my heart and decide exactly what I knew I had to do for my family, for my boys and for RW... I did that and if I could do anything else, that was lagniappe.
I even had an unfolded basket of laundry in my bedroom the night of our Christmas party and went to bed with dirty dishes in the sink twice! Woah, that is huge for me!
However, all but two traditions were still followed and kept... we even managed to make a few new ones too, at home... (we missed the Christmas Parade and didn't get to Bass Pro Shop to see Santa, like we do every year... BUT, my big brother, dressed as Santa and made a house call especially for us!) How awesomely sweet is that?
Our lil' Will also had the flu and a bacterial infection during this time... he had some pretty rough days. Thankfully he is all better now and back to running around like crazy~! (big mama grin!)
I am still being patient with myself... and asking that of others. It is critical for me to learn to take care of myself so that I can take care of everything and all of the many blessings God has entrusted me with.
So, today, I say I am sorry I only sent out seven Christmas cards (and with no pictures in them either, gasp!) and I say I am sorry if I couldn't attend your party or event... and if I did, please know that I made great effort to be there, even if I only could stay a short time. And to those of you that are waiting for your chocolate covered pretzels, they are ready! :)
We put all kinds of crazy pressure on ourselves to do this, to do that, and expect to perform full throttle, like we have done in the past ( at least I know that I do!)... but friends, don't disservice yourself like I was doing... don't give yourself demands to meet your own standard of excellency without knowing the risk you are taking both mentally and physically. Trust me, there is a risk. Taken it... many, many times.
I can look back at the month of December and sure it was not what I thought it was going to be... I wasn't SuperWoman who was able to check all of my "to-do's" off of my list... and (breathe) I had to know that was okay. What mattered were the smiles that I saw every day... the moments I didn't miss, the moments I was very present in... and knowing that God gave me every ounce of strength to make it through those moments He knew I couldn't miss!
God knows our heart... he knows just what we need and the importance of it all! Every year, I get an ornament for each of our boys engraved with their names, the dates, and then I also get a family ornament with "The Weatherly's" the date and all of our names...well due to my lack of ability to stand up, I was not able to shop much this holiday season, and I didn't get to the ornament place to have them made. This troubled my heart so much, it really did. There was no "Matthew~2012" on our tree... UNTIL Christmas morning when I opened my presents from RW & the boys... there they were ... three little penguin ornaments, and the family ornament with names written, not by a professional on the other side of the counter, but handwritten by the sweetest man I know... my husband. He knew my mama heart... and he purchased the ornaments and a sharpie... got his best man- handwriting and wrote the names and dates on each one! (melted my heart, totally!) God used RW to fill my heart with joy that Christmas morning... did I need those ornaments? Yes, even God thought so! :) I thought it would be the first year that I wouldn't have special ornaments made for Matthew and the boys, but oh they were the most special this year!
I had been completely discouraged because I felt I had let my family down by not being able to do everything I usually did... and that is when the biggest gift came, the ability to trust God with separating the what I needed from what I wanted or what I thought "I" had to do... Humility is a beautiful gift because it won't stand in the way of accepting grace and support from those God has put in your life to lift you up or to get those special ornaments when you are unable to! This is what is so beautiful about family. I am so blessed to have families, on all sides that encourage, love and support, through it all.
I am now sitting by the warm fire... listening to RW and Nate play basketball on the back deck... the cat has also decided this is now the warmest place in the house!
I can be honest in saying that I don't like the slow down time... the 'rest' time, the uncomfortable change, but I will admit, I have seen much more beauty in moments than I have in a long time.
Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that there is a season for everything... wow, how well we know that! Everyday I am learning that part of surviving this season of my life is accepting this season... accepting that I may need to sweep half of the house in the morning and the other half in the afternoon, perhaps even the next day... and giving myself mercy and grace needed to do just that. And loving who I am through it all.
Maybe you need to give yourself some mercy and grace or perhaps maybe you need to extend that to others during this season of life... if you are looking for a place to start, loving yourself and others will probably lead you in the right direction. :)
Sending great love and wishes of peace, love and mercy for you and your families as we draw a close to 2012.
Love to all,
LCW
I am sitting by my large window soaking up the sun WHEN it decides to shine! My cat, right beside me, has decided it is the warmest place in the house too. I just haven't been able to get warm today. If you know me personally, you know if I am not having a hot flash, I am cold. Due to the extreme nerve damage I have, my body temperature is always like 10 degrees colder from my waist down. I literally have to use heating pads, hot socks, hot water, etc to get warm. A blanket may keep the wind away or protect from the cold air, but it won't warm me up. So, unless there is a heated seat or a microwave in the close vicinity, I won't be leaving my house today.
As I type this, my husband is out gathering more firewood... he is such a doll~! :)
I have been praying for all of the elderly people who don't have someone to gather firewood or build them a fire... who don't have adequate heat their bodies need to survive. I have also been thinking of all of the poor animals who are not sheltered in the cold weather. The homeless, the sick... I know there are parents walking around with their children praying for miracles. I pray for that too. For miracles, for sunshine, for warmth in the air, love surrounding them, for shelter, for love and mercy.
We all need love and mercy, and we need to be gracious and generous in giving it too.
I have had to give myself plenty of mercy and grace this month... recovery from surgery has been difficult and usually December is packed full of parties, sights to see, bells to ring, shopping, eating, travelling here and there to take in all of the Christmas decorations we can...the list goes on~!
Well, this year, it was not quite like that... it was different. Physically, I was in a different place and we all know that when we are in a physical place of change, pain or healing, it has the potential to change your plans... Albeit, I would normally just slap some lip gloss, mascara and a cute pair of shoes and just go with it whatever the circumstances, but I couldn't this time. I had to stop doing everything and completely focus on the 'need to do' list, not my 'want to do list.' It was so hard! Still is!
Coupled with healing from my surgery, I have also been suffering with some really difficult problems with my legs, especially my left one and my left foot. Not sure why, but when you have nerve damage and the injuries such as I have, an explanation of any of it cannot be found. This has limited, very much, what I can do, how long I can walk, stand... and I don't like it one bit. I have found myself all month up an hour, in bed for 8... and so on.
Talk about changing life and the month of December for me~! And for my family! I really had to search my life, my heart and decide exactly what I knew I had to do for my family, for my boys and for RW... I did that and if I could do anything else, that was lagniappe.
I even had an unfolded basket of laundry in my bedroom the night of our Christmas party and went to bed with dirty dishes in the sink twice! Woah, that is huge for me!
However, all but two traditions were still followed and kept... we even managed to make a few new ones too, at home... (we missed the Christmas Parade and didn't get to Bass Pro Shop to see Santa, like we do every year... BUT, my big brother, dressed as Santa and made a house call especially for us!) How awesomely sweet is that?
Our lil' Will also had the flu and a bacterial infection during this time... he had some pretty rough days. Thankfully he is all better now and back to running around like crazy~! (big mama grin!)
I am still being patient with myself... and asking that of others. It is critical for me to learn to take care of myself so that I can take care of everything and all of the many blessings God has entrusted me with.
So, today, I say I am sorry I only sent out seven Christmas cards (and with no pictures in them either, gasp!) and I say I am sorry if I couldn't attend your party or event... and if I did, please know that I made great effort to be there, even if I only could stay a short time. And to those of you that are waiting for your chocolate covered pretzels, they are ready! :)
We put all kinds of crazy pressure on ourselves to do this, to do that, and expect to perform full throttle, like we have done in the past ( at least I know that I do!)... but friends, don't disservice yourself like I was doing... don't give yourself demands to meet your own standard of excellency without knowing the risk you are taking both mentally and physically. Trust me, there is a risk. Taken it... many, many times.
I can look back at the month of December and sure it was not what I thought it was going to be... I wasn't SuperWoman who was able to check all of my "to-do's" off of my list... and (breathe) I had to know that was okay. What mattered were the smiles that I saw every day... the moments I didn't miss, the moments I was very present in... and knowing that God gave me every ounce of strength to make it through those moments He knew I couldn't miss!
God knows our heart... he knows just what we need and the importance of it all! Every year, I get an ornament for each of our boys engraved with their names, the dates, and then I also get a family ornament with "The Weatherly's" the date and all of our names...well due to my lack of ability to stand up, I was not able to shop much this holiday season, and I didn't get to the ornament place to have them made. This troubled my heart so much, it really did. There was no "Matthew~2012" on our tree... UNTIL Christmas morning when I opened my presents from RW & the boys... there they were ... three little penguin ornaments, and the family ornament with names written, not by a professional on the other side of the counter, but handwritten by the sweetest man I know... my husband. He knew my mama heart... and he purchased the ornaments and a sharpie... got his best man- handwriting and wrote the names and dates on each one! (melted my heart, totally!) God used RW to fill my heart with joy that Christmas morning... did I need those ornaments? Yes, even God thought so! :) I thought it would be the first year that I wouldn't have special ornaments made for Matthew and the boys, but oh they were the most special this year!
I had been completely discouraged because I felt I had let my family down by not being able to do everything I usually did... and that is when the biggest gift came, the ability to trust God with separating the what I needed from what I wanted or what I thought "I" had to do... Humility is a beautiful gift because it won't stand in the way of accepting grace and support from those God has put in your life to lift you up or to get those special ornaments when you are unable to! This is what is so beautiful about family. I am so blessed to have families, on all sides that encourage, love and support, through it all.
I am now sitting by the warm fire... listening to RW and Nate play basketball on the back deck... the cat has also decided this is now the warmest place in the house!
I can be honest in saying that I don't like the slow down time... the 'rest' time, the uncomfortable change, but I will admit, I have seen much more beauty in moments than I have in a long time.
Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that there is a season for everything... wow, how well we know that! Everyday I am learning that part of surviving this season of my life is accepting this season... accepting that I may need to sweep half of the house in the morning and the other half in the afternoon, perhaps even the next day... and giving myself mercy and grace needed to do just that. And loving who I am through it all.
Maybe you need to give yourself some mercy and grace or perhaps maybe you need to extend that to others during this season of life... if you are looking for a place to start, loving yourself and others will probably lead you in the right direction. :)
Sending great love and wishes of peace, love and mercy for you and your families as we draw a close to 2012.
Love to all,
LCW
Saturday, December 15, 2012
surviving loss, do you wonder how?
The tragedies that are raging across our country and within our schools, hospitals and in our homes bring me much sadness for those affected, for those whose lives were lost and those that are left behind to continue life after loss...
Before Matthew passed away, I said far too many times "I couldn't make it through that if that happened to me" or "how will they face tomorrow?" anytime a child passed, someone was seriously ill, fighting disease or life situations that were imminent to end tragically or that had ended unexpected and tragically.
Then the unexpected tragically happened to me and my family. Life halted... stopped... and it has never been the same, never will be.
I write about this today because I have had this conversation with myself, with others and with God. How do we go on after we lose our child? Accidentally, tragically, unexpectedly, illness... whatever the cause... how do we go on?
I don't think we "go on"... I don't think we ever "move on"... I certainly know we "never get over it."
In the ugly face of loss, we become so desperate not to live, but rather to survive... living is far too hard... and as a parent that has buried her child, guilt that we are living and they are not is also a cruel source of fuel to throw into the flames.
We choose survival modes... some cling to Jesus, faith, drugs, alcohol, addictions of any kind that will numb the mind... But we cannot do it alone... We will run to whatever coping mechanism we can because survival instincts come into action.
When someone is drowning, they fight the current, trying to hold their head up, gasping for breath, clinging to anything that may keep their head above water. Even if they don't know how to swim, their bodies go into motion to survive. Instinct.
Drowning in a raging river with rocks, trees and icy waters is how life after loss "looks like" or feels like to me.
There are far too many days that it would be easier to let the current take me...
Truth is, some will never make it out of the current... and those of us that do, will often get thrown back in, because when you suffer the loss of your child, you are always in that river. You never know where the river and the currents will take you. And the current remains long after the river is calm. The current is silent and can take you right back in, anytime, anyplace. Jesus is the only thing in my survival kit that didn't slip out of my hands, that never left. When I couldn't hold on to anything, Jesus held on to me.
I have analyzed this river of 'grief' so much over the last 7 1/2 years. I have lived it. I have shared it. I have despised it. I have walked in it. I have spat at it. I have cussed at it. I have denied it. I have accepted it. I have run away from it. I have embraced it.
I have had people tell me, many people, that they don't know how I have made it... they don't know what they would do if they lost their child.
And this is why I write today.
I didn't know what I would do either. I said I wouldn't make it... I said I couldn't make it... I said I wouldn't want to live if I lost my child... and you know what... some days I still say that! And every day I am in complete awe of God's grace that I am still here...every day.
BUT... I look back and I have made it... it has been the most horrible and tragic times of my life... but I have made it.
I didn't ever live like I used to... I never "moved on" instead I got through one moment at a time, and that is how I still survive today... one moment at a time. I will never "get over it." I never want to. I live now, but I live differently. I live knowing that if I survived the worst day of my entire life, July 23, 2005, when we buried our son, I can survive anything. I live knowing that when tragedy comes, near or far, that God's grace is enough to get anyone through the day, the weeks, the months, the years.
I have survived the years because of my faith in Jesus and knowing that I will see Matthew again. It wasn't my strength that carried me through the days... the months, the years. Certainly, I would have never survived that on my own. I still could not survive on my own. I don't want to try that either.
Some of you may know people who have lost children and they get up and go to work, they may barbecue in the summertime, perhaps even Christmas carol during the holiday season... They may look like life has gone on... but friends, there is a place in their heart that is permanently changed, forever etched in the deepest part of them...life stopped when their child took their last breath. They are in that river.
Do you wonder how life has gone on? Do you wonder how they have been able to live after loss? If so, you are one of many... I know I used to say that all the time.
Oh how my heart hurts so badly for all of you who know loss... and for those that will.
In these days, these tragic times when so many children died at the hands of evil, do you find yourself asking how will they go on? How could they go on?
Life after loss becomes about survival, not about living. We will cling to whatever we can to breathe... for as long as we can, until we physically cannot fight any longer. Some will sustain it, some tragically won't. This is the brutal face of grief.
Life has forever been stripped away from so many. Those left behind holding the shattered pieces of what life once was, should be and will never be again, have been thrown out of the raft into that icy river where the current is raging. They will not live the way they used to. Ever.
Everything is different. Everything. The water is not "just fine."
Life after loss becomes about survival, not about living.
You never know when tragedy will affect your family, I pray that it never does. I also know that even though you may say you could never make it through something, that with God you can make it through anything. I believe that. I live it every day.
There is great hope in clinging to Jesus... We cannot do it on our own when tragedy hits.
I pray all of these precious people will find the hope in Christ that will give them peace that surpasses all understanding... I pray that in theses times of such sorrow and survival that love, encouragement, peace and comfort will be the lifesavers in that raging river with them... Jesus has never left the river that I am in... from the still waters to the raging current, He has always been there and I know He always will be. I know He is there with them too.
That is what I will think upon in the days to come...
Thank you Jesus for being with these families and for holding all of our children until the day we can hold them again.
Phil 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.
Before Matthew passed away, I said far too many times "I couldn't make it through that if that happened to me" or "how will they face tomorrow?" anytime a child passed, someone was seriously ill, fighting disease or life situations that were imminent to end tragically or that had ended unexpected and tragically.
Then the unexpected tragically happened to me and my family. Life halted... stopped... and it has never been the same, never will be.
I write about this today because I have had this conversation with myself, with others and with God. How do we go on after we lose our child? Accidentally, tragically, unexpectedly, illness... whatever the cause... how do we go on?
I don't think we "go on"... I don't think we ever "move on"... I certainly know we "never get over it."
In the ugly face of loss, we become so desperate not to live, but rather to survive... living is far too hard... and as a parent that has buried her child, guilt that we are living and they are not is also a cruel source of fuel to throw into the flames.
We choose survival modes... some cling to Jesus, faith, drugs, alcohol, addictions of any kind that will numb the mind... But we cannot do it alone... We will run to whatever coping mechanism we can because survival instincts come into action.
When someone is drowning, they fight the current, trying to hold their head up, gasping for breath, clinging to anything that may keep their head above water. Even if they don't know how to swim, their bodies go into motion to survive. Instinct.
Drowning in a raging river with rocks, trees and icy waters is how life after loss "looks like" or feels like to me.
There are far too many days that it would be easier to let the current take me...
Truth is, some will never make it out of the current... and those of us that do, will often get thrown back in, because when you suffer the loss of your child, you are always in that river. You never know where the river and the currents will take you. And the current remains long after the river is calm. The current is silent and can take you right back in, anytime, anyplace. Jesus is the only thing in my survival kit that didn't slip out of my hands, that never left. When I couldn't hold on to anything, Jesus held on to me.
I have analyzed this river of 'grief' so much over the last 7 1/2 years. I have lived it. I have shared it. I have despised it. I have walked in it. I have spat at it. I have cussed at it. I have denied it. I have accepted it. I have run away from it. I have embraced it.
I have had people tell me, many people, that they don't know how I have made it... they don't know what they would do if they lost their child.
And this is why I write today.
I didn't know what I would do either. I said I wouldn't make it... I said I couldn't make it... I said I wouldn't want to live if I lost my child... and you know what... some days I still say that! And every day I am in complete awe of God's grace that I am still here...every day.
BUT... I look back and I have made it... it has been the most horrible and tragic times of my life... but I have made it.
I didn't ever live like I used to... I never "moved on" instead I got through one moment at a time, and that is how I still survive today... one moment at a time. I will never "get over it." I never want to. I live now, but I live differently. I live knowing that if I survived the worst day of my entire life, July 23, 2005, when we buried our son, I can survive anything. I live knowing that when tragedy comes, near or far, that God's grace is enough to get anyone through the day, the weeks, the months, the years.
I have survived the years because of my faith in Jesus and knowing that I will see Matthew again. It wasn't my strength that carried me through the days... the months, the years. Certainly, I would have never survived that on my own. I still could not survive on my own. I don't want to try that either.
Some of you may know people who have lost children and they get up and go to work, they may barbecue in the summertime, perhaps even Christmas carol during the holiday season... They may look like life has gone on... but friends, there is a place in their heart that is permanently changed, forever etched in the deepest part of them...life stopped when their child took their last breath. They are in that river.
Do you wonder how life has gone on? Do you wonder how they have been able to live after loss? If so, you are one of many... I know I used to say that all the time.
Oh how my heart hurts so badly for all of you who know loss... and for those that will.
In these days, these tragic times when so many children died at the hands of evil, do you find yourself asking how will they go on? How could they go on?
Life after loss becomes about survival, not about living. We will cling to whatever we can to breathe... for as long as we can, until we physically cannot fight any longer. Some will sustain it, some tragically won't. This is the brutal face of grief.
Life has forever been stripped away from so many. Those left behind holding the shattered pieces of what life once was, should be and will never be again, have been thrown out of the raft into that icy river where the current is raging. They will not live the way they used to. Ever.
Everything is different. Everything. The water is not "just fine."
Life after loss becomes about survival, not about living.
You never know when tragedy will affect your family, I pray that it never does. I also know that even though you may say you could never make it through something, that with God you can make it through anything. I believe that. I live it every day.
There is great hope in clinging to Jesus... We cannot do it on our own when tragedy hits.
I pray all of these precious people will find the hope in Christ that will give them peace that surpasses all understanding... I pray that in theses times of such sorrow and survival that love, encouragement, peace and comfort will be the lifesavers in that raging river with them... Jesus has never left the river that I am in... from the still waters to the raging current, He has always been there and I know He always will be. I know He is there with them too.
That is what I will think upon in the days to come...
Thank you Jesus for being with these families and for holding all of our children until the day we can hold them again.
Phil 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.
Monday, December 10, 2012
My Hallmark Moment...
Two weeks ago today, I had surgery that would keep me from my super mommy elf powers and spreading holly and cheer throughout the lands...
And yesterday I was severely disturbed because I had not yet been to the cemetery to decorate Matthew's special place and put his tree up there. THIS IS DISTURBING TO ME, and if you have a child that has a special place like this, you will probably understand this.
I can have decorations in every room, trees decorated, stockings hung, (5 of them), and homemade ornaments hung from the chandeliers as they are drying and preparing to be passed on, BUT if I don't have Matthew's special place decorated, I am NOT done! My heart actually hurts to not have been out there yet... something's missing... and it bothers me.
Both of my boys were asking when they would be able to hang the outside decorations and lights, and when we got home yesterday, we had about an hour in a half with daylight left, and I had already made the firm decision that we were heading straight to the cemetery to decorate.
I literally feel like I let Matthew down if I don't have his special place tended to for each season, and although I know that is not possible... it is the only thing I have of "him" to "tend to, to take care of." So with that said, I have been feeling guilty because his place isn't festive yet... I don't ever want someone to pass his place and think he isn't loved, taken care of, or that he isn't missed! These are emotions that are part of life after losing a child. It matters to me, this matters to me. So with a heavy heart missing Matthew, I had to honor his memory at that moment through his brothers... I had to let life happen and know it was okay... I looked at Matthew's tree in our home, his stocking, the ornaments with his name on them and I thought about how much I missed him and then I thought about heaven... what it must be like at Christmas there and how much his brothers would want him to see the lights where we live! And I also thought about how amazing it would be to see his smile... I felt a tug on my heart and as I looked outside at the boys playing, I saw 2 beautiful smiles that I know are direct reflections of a special little boy in heaven!
It was at that moment I made a decision that I knew would be the right one... It was still very hard, but I knew it was the right one.
I told RW to get the lights and the reindeer out of the shed and let the boys decorate however they wanted to outside... I told him there would only be enough daylight to go to the cemetery or let the boys hang lights... I walked inside sad, because I knew it was another day in December when my baby didn't have a tree out there... my heart hurt.
I began to work on the ornaments as the boys did their thing... when it was dark, the boys called me outside and Will sang "Feliz Navidad" as he danced in front of the most special light display every! They didn't decorate the house, the pool, or the hang the traditional Weatherly outside decor... instead, they decorated Matthew's garden and hung lights on his tree! It was a Hallmark moment! I hugged and kissed each one of them and my heart was happy, happy, happy! Yes, we were missing Matthew, but he was as close to us at that moment as he ever was!
Today, it is raining, so there will be no decorating the cemetery again... but I can look outside and see Matthew's garden full of lights and love...
I know my boys made a sacrifice by decorating the garden instead of the rooftop... and that the reindeer are not where they usually are... and that means more to me than any gift they could ever wrap. Talk about humbling... I walked into the house with such sadness in my heart and when I walked out, they had done this for me... and for Matthew... and for our family...it was right... it was just right! It was perfect! It may not look spectacular to those passing by, but to this mama, it is the prettiest sight I have ever seen at Christmas!
Seeing those smiles beam as they stood beside the lights of Matthew's memory garden and looking at RW knowing he understood at that moment how my heart felt as his eyes filled with tears and mine did too, I genuinely felt like I was in a Hallmark commercial... you know the kind that make you cry! I will never forget this moment!
If you are looking for a magical moment, perhaps a Hallmark memory of your own... you won't be able to find it at a store! Those gifts / moments are given from the heart... and with a little creativity and lots of love, I bet you can make magic happen in your home too!
Grateful today for my Hallmark moment yesterday! Grateful to my boys (all of them!) for making it happen!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Surgery day, again... unexpected moments!
Another unexpected moment...
Monday, November 26th, I checked into the hospital, was given a private room and the infamous yellow socks along with my gown for the day! Talk about a hot mess! (again!)
I am no stranger to the protocol on surgery days... I could do it without the nurses if they needed me to. But this day was different.
The nurse recognized me from my last trip there and quickly remembered the pain I was in after my last surgery. We talked a bit as RW sat in the chair next to me while another nurse started my IV. I had my charge nurse at the head of my bed, the IV nurse inserting my IV when another nurse stood at the door...
Hmmm... I wondered what she wanted for a split second before my charge nurse told me that my doctor ordered a HH level and a blood bank for me. WOAH! WHAT? WHY??? I felt my throat closing and those faucets in my eyes fill up... She proceeded to explain that my doctor wanted to make sure he had my blood matched in case I needed a transfusion!
WOAH, DID I SAY THAT ALREADY?
RW's eyes opened wide as he knew what was going through my mind... and his! I had had many, many surgeries... but this was becoming different... but all too familiar! I had to have a blood transfusion the day Matthew died... and then a few days later was given another one...
The thought of blood transfusions catapults me right back to that day and that time when I was in the hospital after losing Matthew. RW knew exactly where I was in my thought process and he responded to the nurse that this was an unusual request, and she said yes, but the doctor just wanted to make sure he was prepared for a bleed if indeed it did happen.
I already bled to death twice! Right after my son bled to death! Can you imagine my thoughts for just one second? FEAR... there was GREAT FEAR where there was GREAT PEACE just MOMENTS BEFORE~!
It painfully reminded me of what once happened... and I was full of fear..
I mean, folks, I was full of peace! The nurse wheeled that fear right up in my room and the peace was gone! Did you know fear can be rolled on a tray? Yep, sure can! I had a big ole' slice along with the needle and an arm band!
I was sitting in the bed wearing that beautiful gown and bright yellow socks sobbing as the nurse could see the emotion within me had triggered some kind of something within me... and oh she was right!
As the blood bank nurse placed my blood band on my wrist, tears rolled down my cheeks.... they just rolled.... here I was after 7 1/2 years of physical hell reliving every moment of emotional pain that I felt in 2005!
The nurse closed the door and sat down at the head of my bed and asked me if I was okay... At that moment, I knew I wasn't okay, but I would be.
See, I had peace, COMPLETE PEACE, until that very moment of the blood bank nurse entering my room! And I knew I had to trust my God that had given me that peace again! And whether I needed blood or not... God was in control of it all!
My amazing doctor had my very best interest in his mind and heart... and he knew he had to be prepared! This was a fact that I knew...
I know the risks of surgery, I understand that very well. And I also know that my faith is why I can take that risk without knowing the outcome... Nothing will happen to me today or ever that first does not have to be approved by God! That I am confident! Whether I "expect" it or not!
After a few minutes, I was calm and at peace again... I quit looking at the noticeably different blood band on my arm and just held RW's hand, maybe squeezed it a tad (or a lot) too!
Then it was time to go to the infamous 'holding area'... without RW, It is so cold back there! Whew! So cold! But I was wheeled back there and placed into my little cubby... oh by this time, I had the cute "hat" to go with my gown... oh and compression hose! How could I forget those? I was adorable! ;) Don't hate! You can play dress up in my closet if you would like! I have plenty of pairs of those!
So, I was laying there, not much else to do... except complain about the nasty taste I had in my mouth from those antibiotics they were giving me in my IV. Yuck! Apparently offering a nurse 5.00 for a piece of gum doesn't work back there! ;) But anyway, my doctor came in to talk to me about my surgery and he let me know that sometimes the leads break off when they are removing them and if that happens he will do his best to get them out, but he couldn't promise anything.
WHAT??? Oh my word... can you see the damn bursting again? OKAY... I thought... wow! WHAT??? I wanted it ALL out! all OUT! but... FEAR of having anything left was now trying to grab me!
There was only a slight chance of that happening... but I AM ALWAYS THE SLIGHT CHANCER... THE 1%!
I sucked it in and held a conversation with my doctor, knowing he knew me better than any other doctor and that I trusted him to give me the best medical care he could. I knew this was still the right thing to do... taking a risk, yes, but the right thing to do.
I was ready...
I got some 'happy' medicine and then then next thing I remember is telling one of the nurses I wanted a pizza and telling RW I wanted a Fizz Stick and coconut cream pie! :)
I was delighted when RW told me that when my doctor came to talk to him after the surgery and he had removed all of the leads and the battery pack to my interestem device! Happy dance! :)))
and I didn't need a blood transfusion!
I was grateful! So grateful for God giving me the peace in my heart that passes ALL understanding... the good Lord knows I could never understand all of this!
It was over...
I had my Fizz Stick, some saltines and my husband... oh and some lip gloss! I was happy!
SO this is day 3 of recovery and I am doing great!
I am eagerly looking forward to what today and tomorrow hold! I know it is going to be awesome!
Throughout my physical battles, and my emotional battles that have coupled it so closely, I am one big ginormous miracle after another!
Don't ever think you can't make it though something... YOU CAN! You must make the choice to persevere through the fears and the pain... You are so worth it! Your family is worth it! There are no limits to what God can do to you or through you...unless you aren't willing to take a risk and walk in faith!
Yes, I have freak outs! You could probably poll 90% of the nurses in NOLA and they would confirm that... but I rebound with faith!!!
I am typing this hanging over the edge of my sofa because my incisions do not permit me to sit down and yes that is so aggravating... but I am doing it anyway! WHY? because through my pain and testimonies, I know others are encouraged! And I must continue to do just that!
If you are having a rotten day... I ask you to re-evaluate your circumstances... count your joy... your blessings and kiss your children and be grateful for your health! There are many, many 'dying' to get that chance!
I know yesterday, I was in much pain, and wanted to get up and just do something and I started praying for Baby Lillie Lafntaine... talk about humbling my heart! This baby is 3 months old and just had by pass surgery today! Yesterday she had a heart cath. It is heartbreaking to me to know the pain her parents must feel watching her have to go through these medical procedures and pain... I promise you it brings me right back to my knees grateful that my children are not in recovery pain, that I am in, and it certainly puts my life and my health, (even as it is) into great perspective. At the end of every day, what really matters? What really matters? What mattered to me yesterday was that baby Lillie made it through her heart cath and what matters today is that she will make a full recovery for her mama and daddy! It makes everything else seem so small!
What matters is that we come together to support, love and encourage each other, even when we are having difficult times ourselves! What matters is we can make a difference and what matters is if we don't!
I am not requesting any prayers for myself... but in lieu of prayers for me, please spend that time praying for Lillie and her family. This would mean a great deal to me... Thank you all!
With love,
LCW
Monday, November 26th, I checked into the hospital, was given a private room and the infamous yellow socks along with my gown for the day! Talk about a hot mess! (again!)
I am no stranger to the protocol on surgery days... I could do it without the nurses if they needed me to. But this day was different.
The nurse recognized me from my last trip there and quickly remembered the pain I was in after my last surgery. We talked a bit as RW sat in the chair next to me while another nurse started my IV. I had my charge nurse at the head of my bed, the IV nurse inserting my IV when another nurse stood at the door...
Hmmm... I wondered what she wanted for a split second before my charge nurse told me that my doctor ordered a HH level and a blood bank for me. WOAH! WHAT? WHY??? I felt my throat closing and those faucets in my eyes fill up... She proceeded to explain that my doctor wanted to make sure he had my blood matched in case I needed a transfusion!
WOAH, DID I SAY THAT ALREADY?
RW's eyes opened wide as he knew what was going through my mind... and his! I had had many, many surgeries... but this was becoming different... but all too familiar! I had to have a blood transfusion the day Matthew died... and then a few days later was given another one...
The thought of blood transfusions catapults me right back to that day and that time when I was in the hospital after losing Matthew. RW knew exactly where I was in my thought process and he responded to the nurse that this was an unusual request, and she said yes, but the doctor just wanted to make sure he was prepared for a bleed if indeed it did happen.
I already bled to death twice! Right after my son bled to death! Can you imagine my thoughts for just one second? FEAR... there was GREAT FEAR where there was GREAT PEACE just MOMENTS BEFORE~!
It painfully reminded me of what once happened... and I was full of fear..
I mean, folks, I was full of peace! The nurse wheeled that fear right up in my room and the peace was gone! Did you know fear can be rolled on a tray? Yep, sure can! I had a big ole' slice along with the needle and an arm band!
I was sitting in the bed wearing that beautiful gown and bright yellow socks sobbing as the nurse could see the emotion within me had triggered some kind of something within me... and oh she was right!
As the blood bank nurse placed my blood band on my wrist, tears rolled down my cheeks.... they just rolled.... here I was after 7 1/2 years of physical hell reliving every moment of emotional pain that I felt in 2005!
The nurse closed the door and sat down at the head of my bed and asked me if I was okay... At that moment, I knew I wasn't okay, but I would be.
See, I had peace, COMPLETE PEACE, until that very moment of the blood bank nurse entering my room! And I knew I had to trust my God that had given me that peace again! And whether I needed blood or not... God was in control of it all!
My amazing doctor had my very best interest in his mind and heart... and he knew he had to be prepared! This was a fact that I knew...
I know the risks of surgery, I understand that very well. And I also know that my faith is why I can take that risk without knowing the outcome... Nothing will happen to me today or ever that first does not have to be approved by God! That I am confident! Whether I "expect" it or not!
After a few minutes, I was calm and at peace again... I quit looking at the noticeably different blood band on my arm and just held RW's hand, maybe squeezed it a tad (or a lot) too!
Then it was time to go to the infamous 'holding area'... without RW, It is so cold back there! Whew! So cold! But I was wheeled back there and placed into my little cubby... oh by this time, I had the cute "hat" to go with my gown... oh and compression hose! How could I forget those? I was adorable! ;) Don't hate! You can play dress up in my closet if you would like! I have plenty of pairs of those!
So, I was laying there, not much else to do... except complain about the nasty taste I had in my mouth from those antibiotics they were giving me in my IV. Yuck! Apparently offering a nurse 5.00 for a piece of gum doesn't work back there! ;) But anyway, my doctor came in to talk to me about my surgery and he let me know that sometimes the leads break off when they are removing them and if that happens he will do his best to get them out, but he couldn't promise anything.
WHAT??? Oh my word... can you see the damn bursting again? OKAY... I thought... wow! WHAT??? I wanted it ALL out! all OUT! but... FEAR of having anything left was now trying to grab me!
There was only a slight chance of that happening... but I AM ALWAYS THE SLIGHT CHANCER... THE 1%!
I sucked it in and held a conversation with my doctor, knowing he knew me better than any other doctor and that I trusted him to give me the best medical care he could. I knew this was still the right thing to do... taking a risk, yes, but the right thing to do.
I was ready...
I got some 'happy' medicine and then then next thing I remember is telling one of the nurses I wanted a pizza and telling RW I wanted a Fizz Stick and coconut cream pie! :)
I was delighted when RW told me that when my doctor came to talk to him after the surgery and he had removed all of the leads and the battery pack to my interestem device! Happy dance! :)))
and I didn't need a blood transfusion!
I was grateful! So grateful for God giving me the peace in my heart that passes ALL understanding... the good Lord knows I could never understand all of this!
It was over...
I had my Fizz Stick, some saltines and my husband... oh and some lip gloss! I was happy!
SO this is day 3 of recovery and I am doing great!
I am eagerly looking forward to what today and tomorrow hold! I know it is going to be awesome!
Throughout my physical battles, and my emotional battles that have coupled it so closely, I am one big ginormous miracle after another!
Don't ever think you can't make it though something... YOU CAN! You must make the choice to persevere through the fears and the pain... You are so worth it! Your family is worth it! There are no limits to what God can do to you or through you...unless you aren't willing to take a risk and walk in faith!
Yes, I have freak outs! You could probably poll 90% of the nurses in NOLA and they would confirm that... but I rebound with faith!!!
I am typing this hanging over the edge of my sofa because my incisions do not permit me to sit down and yes that is so aggravating... but I am doing it anyway! WHY? because through my pain and testimonies, I know others are encouraged! And I must continue to do just that!
If you are having a rotten day... I ask you to re-evaluate your circumstances... count your joy... your blessings and kiss your children and be grateful for your health! There are many, many 'dying' to get that chance!
I know yesterday, I was in much pain, and wanted to get up and just do something and I started praying for Baby Lillie Lafntaine... talk about humbling my heart! This baby is 3 months old and just had by pass surgery today! Yesterday she had a heart cath. It is heartbreaking to me to know the pain her parents must feel watching her have to go through these medical procedures and pain... I promise you it brings me right back to my knees grateful that my children are not in recovery pain, that I am in, and it certainly puts my life and my health, (even as it is) into great perspective. At the end of every day, what really matters? What really matters? What mattered to me yesterday was that baby Lillie made it through her heart cath and what matters today is that she will make a full recovery for her mama and daddy! It makes everything else seem so small!
What matters is that we come together to support, love and encourage each other, even when we are having difficult times ourselves! What matters is we can make a difference and what matters is if we don't!
I am not requesting any prayers for myself... but in lieu of prayers for me, please spend that time praying for Lillie and her family. This would mean a great deal to me... Thank you all!
With love,
LCW
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