My not-so-empty curio

Yesterday was a cleaning day...you know the kind of cleaning day when you dust too!  ;)

Well, since my boys weren't at home, I thought I would tackle removing the trophies, the baseball cards, and all that sports memorabilia from every shelf and dusting it!  A couple of hours later I was finished and their rooms even smelled clean!  Boy mamas, you know that is pretty good!  (big grin)

 The black chest is full of his special things as well

When I walked into my room, I saw Matthew's curio full of his precious memorabilia and I had to dust it too!  His things are throughout every room in the house, but there is one really special spot that is his in the corner of our bedroom.  I go to sleep every night looking at his things and I wake up every morning looking at them.

It had been quite a while since I had done this and I took my time as I cradled every item, each one came with a walk down memory lane.

As I picked up his Ole Miss baseball cap I remember the smile on his daddy's face when he saw it and  how excited his daddy was when he found the perfect "going home" outfit for Matthew detailed down to the little socks embroidered with his Alma Mater, Ole Miss.  And even the little hat.


The little hat,  he wore on July 23, 2005 at his "going home" service. "Going home" wasn't supposed to be like that.

The little hat, I took with me when we said goodbye.  I keep it in this curio along with many other special things.  Yes, there are two more Ole Miss outfits in there too.  He was going to be a "Rebel" just like everyone else in the family.

There's so much I could say about every piece in this curio.  Priceless to me, all of it.

Everything in this curio has a beautiful scent because my mother and her friend made a necklace and a bracelet for me out of the rose petals that RW and Nathan bought for me while I was in the hospital.  They crushed the petals mixing them with fragrant oils (and I am sure a tear or two) and delicately molded them into beads stranding them one by one.  The aroma was preserved along with the beautiful crushed petals.  When the curio is opened, the aroma is one that cannot be purchased, it is made, with lots and lots of love!  This scent is amazing!

This scent comforts me.  As a loss mom, if you are reading this, you know how certain scents (like hospital soap) can bring you to a place like no other.  Well, for me, this scent brings me feelings of warmth and love.

As I removed everything, there were only two items left in there, his two blankets.  The two blankets that he was wrapped in at the hospital.  A green one and a blue one.  I never held him in these blankets, but my family did and I have photos of them holding him wrapped in these.  I am not even sure where they came from, perhaps the hospital gave them to us.  I really don't know.  Maybe something one day I will find out.

When I picked up the blue blanket, the scent enveloped me with great emotion.

I thought he was in here!  He was in this sweet little blanket and now it is empty.  I held it to my heart as I removed the little green blanket and did the same.

Precious memories that I know my family had with him wrapped in these blankets were coming to my mind.

I expected to feel empty like the blankets and the curio, but I was so full of love, peace and joy that it was soothing to my soul.

This moment was right.

This moment when I could hold his things, remember him and not feel so empty!

Before I put everything back into the curio, I took this photo.  What I didn't realize was when I looked back at it that I would see myself in the mirror holding the sweet little blanket that Matthew was wrapped in.

I was actually just trying to get a photo of the empty cabinet.  I studied the photo and visibly saw the empty curio and the empty blanket, but it didn't look so empty.  I knew it was empty because I removed everything and I knew the blanket was empty because I was holding it...but it wasn't so empty after all!

If I were to ever paint a self portrait, this would have to be it.  This.  If you take everything away, empty it all out, Matthew is still with me.  He is in my heart, my soul, my life and my reflection.  Always has been, always will be!

This picture says that to me!

Grateful for this lesson that my sweet boy taught me!  I will never forget it!

XOXO!

It will never be good enough...

I was excited to have written my June article for Still Standing Magazine ahead of the deadline, but when I looked at the calendar and realized it would go live June 28th, just four days before Matthew's eighth birthday, I freaked out.

I panicked because it was suddenly not good enough, not appropriate enough to be the article that would be be published just days before his birthday.

I messaged sweet Franchesca and told her that I would write another piece for the one I had already written wasn't special enough for this time.

After all, it's not like I have his birthday party to plan, the least I could do as Matthew's mother is write something that would be good enough to honor him, right?

Convinced I could write something that was going to be special enough, I took up the task of sitting behind my computer and began.   I tormented my heart as I analyzed every inadequate word that I had written or was trying to compose. I felt like with every delete that I was throwing garbage out of the window but then realized that garbage was my heart, my tears and it wasn't trash!  It was pain! It was the pain of trying to produce a piece that would be worthy of my son's birthday.  I failed that task.

The pressure and the weight I was applying to my already heavy heart was beyond measure.

Nothing was good enough and I had to stop.

My heart broke when I realized I needed to let it go.  I needed to let go of the fear of it not being special enough for this time.  Truth is, for me, there will never be anything special enough or good enough for this time except singing Happy Birthday to my beautiful son's face and kissing him and watching him hold balloons instead of wondering if he catches them in heaven.

That would be good enough.

Nothing else.

So I let this post go knowing I will not replace the original article written for June because that is all that I have and that has to be good enough for now.

the silence of child loss now and then...

Today I am pondering the silence of child loss now and then.

Throughout the past few years I have been able to talk to many mothers who were silenced after losing a child.  Not silenced because they didn't want to speak about their children but silenced because of society.  Society dictated how they would just "move on" as if their child never existed.

I wonder what I would have done way back then...

Answering honestly, I probably would have been quiet too.  I wish I could say differently, but raw truth is that people just didn't talk about child loss back then.

Some still don't.  But I do.

I do because I need to.  I need to speak about my son and my loss and help others who are experiencing the same.  I need to be his mother and to be validated as such.  He was taken from me, but my position as his mother will remain forever.

I look at some of the women who were pioneers in history, and I wonder if any of those women who bravely stepped out and stood up for a cause ever lost a child.  Statistics will prove that one in four women have lost or will lose a child, so there's a pretty good chance this happened to one of them.  I wonder if any of those women wished they were brave enough to step out about their loss.  I wonder.

I then look at our society now, embracing life after loss.  The silence is being broken and it is incredible to see, hear and be a part of.

But it also makes me sadder for those who have gone to their grave silent...because of society and the pressures surrounding.

I must say many mothers that I have met have never spoken or never speak about the loss they endured but are dying to.  I have had many mamas come and whisper "I lost a child too" and simply walk away.  My heart hurts for these mamas!  There are so many!

A couple of years ago, I saw an elderly lady rushing to the table toward me at a book signing. With tears in her eyes she told me that her son passed away decades ago and she had never talked about him until that moment, there with me.  She saw an interview I had done and she said "If you can speak about your son, I can too."  And she told me all about him.  At that moment, tears now filling my eyes, I knew this was why I would continue to do what I do.  She had freedom, perhaps that society didn't offer to her back then, but with welcome arms was reaching out to her now.   I hugged her and she just sat her head on my shoulder and cried.

That was a beautiful moment I will never forget.  Ever.

Now and then, love for our children was no different.

But society was.

Their voices were never heard.  Their tears never seen.

This was taken from them too!

My heart hurts for every precious mama that carries the silence along with the death of a child.  Both are great weights that when combined can take a toll on a mama's heart.

It took me a long time before I was in the place where I felt like I could speak about our loss and about Matthew.  I don't wish that silence on anyone. Whether it is self inflicted or society driven, silence can be brutal.

Moms that are new to life after loss, I hope you will know that you can speak, you have a great big community of loss moms and dads that would love to hear your story and about your children.  I know, I am one of them.  Moms that have been silent for one year or fifty years, I hope that you will find a way to speak, to break the silence and to feel the freedom that comes along with it somewhere in your life before it is over.

It is so worth it.

I close with great respect and admiration to the mothers of both now and then...

Why I come here a lot...

I find myself coming here a lot more lately. A lot more than usual.

I write, I ramble and I stutter much more than you know that I do.  My draft section is quite full.  I will write a sentence or two and just sign off.  A lot.

I will come back just a while later and do that again, perhaps with a different topic, but nonetheless, my pattern is the same.

Today as I examined my pattern, I had a breakthrough in what and why I am doing this.

With summer in full force here, I am busy taking care of Nathan and Will, very busy...but somehow there is this time that I am carving out to visit here often.  I don't have any extra time but I find myself making time more than I ever have before.

I find myself growing anxious if I have a thought and cannot carry it out at that moment.  Almost like when I am spending time with one of my boys and the other one calls for me.  Yes, I feel like that.

This time that I am creating in the spaces of my day is Matthew's time.  The only way I know  how to be his mama is by writing about him and sharing him with others.  This time is not just important to me right now, it is necessary.  I know that.

I am very protective of this time right now as his 8th birthday is on the horizon which is probably what I subconsciously am fretting over the most in my head and heart right now.

I should be busy planning his party.

But instead I am writing here about him and about the party that will never happen.

That's why I am here, a lot.

I will remain here a lot, for that is what I need to do right now.  I am fulfilled by being here.

I am fulfilled in life by being a mom to three boys...three.

I am full circle today with this epiphany, if you want to call it that.  I am so happy that I made the connection today.  Instead of being so frustrated that I cannot complete a draft, I will embrace the one liners and  recognize I am simply being his mom! 

child loss, the permanent mark

Today as I was looking at all of the beautiful memorial tattoos over at StillStandingINK, my heart swelled full of love for the community of loss parents that are surviving without their children. I felt complete gratitude to witness this as a bereaved mother and also as someone that has never been inked.  Thank you for giving me a glimpse of what you hold so dear.  Thank you.  

I carefully studied many of the hand prints and tiny little feet adorned with angel wings and felt my heart pierce as I "heard" each story through these photographs.  With every photograph came a different story whether it was as simple as a date when loss occurred or a portrait of a child engraved on skin, the story was there and it was painfully beautiful.

I could feel the pain of enduring the ink.

I could feel the loss and see the beauty.

I could see the pain of the permanent mark. 

The permanent mark is no respecter of persons,  inked or not.

It is forever.

The ink, though visible, remaining just a shadow of the permanent mark that child loss had already left behind..

I could see that.  I could feel that.

Painfully beautiful.

It is all painfully beautiful.

I remember the words penned by Fran over at Small Bird Studios, "what a beautiful mess she left behind"~ part of that beautiful mess is Still Standing Magazine and the reason that many of you are sharing your ink, your hearts and your children today... that is pretty amazing!  That is one big permanent, but beautiful mess!

Child loss, the permanent mark, cannot be reversed but beautiful things sure can come from it...

I hope you will find some beauty today, I know I have and it has been right here with you!

  

"sew" in love with my "son"dress

I am going Project Runway on y'all!  (insert big grin)

A few weeks ago, I made a dress.

Yep, me, I made a dress.

Or what may eventually be a pillow case or perhaps a quilt!  Or handkerchiefs...yeah handkerchiefs!  ;)

This is how it started...For many years I have wanted to take my boy's little league jerseys and make a patch dress, of some sorts.  Well, I woke up and said "today I will make a dress!"

I didn't know ANYTHING about making a dress but I was DETERMINED to do it.

This was the time.  This was the day.

I would make a dress!

I gathered all of the jerseys and started cutting little squares with kindergarten scissors...yes, you read that right kindergarten scissors.  The kind you cut construction paper with.  That kind.  

I believe back in the 2nd or 3rd grade, my home-economics teacher taught me how to sew...or rather taught me how to "stitch" something.  So...I figured with my extraordinary stitching skill and LOTS of jersey shirts, I could sew this thing right up!

HAHAHAHAHA!

That is me laughing at myself for that one...

Along with my kindergarten scissors and my dollar store sewing kit out, I was never more serious about making a dress before!~(Are you laughing at me too now?)  Ah, it's  okay!  I would laugh too! And it was on!  I was going to figure this dress making out, the art of dressmaking...in my home!

I started around 9 am, and at 6:30 when RW came  home, there I was on my bed sitting and sewing STILL!  When RW saw what I was doing he asked me where is wife was and what had I done to her!  This was definitely  not something he had seen before!  :)

So I continued to sew (okay, I meant stitch!)... hand stitch each piece of fabric...yes, hand stitch.  My bro-n-law called and I told him what I was doing and he said he had a sewing "thingy" that he stitched dog beds with and I could use that! WOO HOO!  Now we are talking!

My mom picked it up and brought it to my bedroom AKA the place where the stitching goddess would be for the next 24 hours, much to my surprise I would  be doing this another 24 hours!

I began to stitch and stitch with the sewing "thingy."  I had NO IDEA what I was doing but folks I can tell ALL of my effort went into it!

I got it all stitched together...YAY me! This was the moment I had been waiting on...You know like the  big moment on Project Runway when the models come rushing in for a fitting~  I was in that moment!  I slid the dress on, look out Michael Kors and Nina Garcia!  It FIT!!!

OH my word...well sort of!  So the front fit, the sides fit...oooh...but when I turned around I gasped!  WHAT happened to the material that was supposed to cover my booty?

It was the same size as the front so...huh?  Okay, now you can definitely laugh!

SO, an EDIT was in the making!  Hmmm...I just stared at it wondering how in the world was I going to fix this.  My first edit began...I started slicing through that material that I had stitched for nearly 2 days!  I imagined Tim Gunn telling me to "make it work!"

So determined not to let Tim down, I was going to edit it and make it work!

before the edit or "extensions!"

I sliced and unthreaded (that's not a word, but I am not sure what else to call it) until I could find a place to stitch more material.  And then I added some "extensions" to the back of the dress that apparently ate the original material all up!  ;)

I was now well on my way to satisfaction!  I was done! Moment of truth again...

I slipped it on, and it was rather cute...not so cute that I would like wear it anywhere but it was kind of cute. At that moment I didn't care what it looked like but what mattered was it was done!  And that the material on the backside was now covering all of me that it was supposed to!

It was a success!  I grabbed a baseball belt and accessorized and it was perfect for me in that moment!  I was standing in my "son"dress...the dress that was stitched with love and full of memories that came along with each and every swing of the bat and every grin on the  baseball field!  As I looked at each jersey color represented, I saw my boys!  And that completed my ensemble like a cute pair of heels would! 

(let me add that any baseball belt would have matched it as well as any baseball hats from their league, which is great if I were wearing it anywhere!)   

I started to do the victory dance hopping and popping in my newly designed one of a kind "son"dress!  (get it...my son's jersey's so I call it my "son"dress!)  AND then it happened...apparently one cannot dance in a dress that is merely stitched...at least not stitched by me!  As I was popping in my new dress it seems (seams, pun intended!) that the stitches were popping too!  Woops!

Laughing at myself I danced some more while my little Will just shook his head and laughed too!  

And the stitches loosened with each move!  I took this pic right before that happened...

after the edit or "extensions"

I share my "son"dress with you all today in hopes that you may smile a bit,  but mostly in hopes that you will be inspired to do something you really want to do but have never done before!  Even if you don't know how to do it, try!  Don't quit!  

By all counts, I should have quit when the back of my dress looked like an upside down heart but I would have missed the dance party I had after it was done!  Even if it was a very short lived dance party, at least I got to dance!  

Believe me, if I made a dress, you can make anything!  ;)

One special note to this entire story that is worth taking away ~  I laughed at myself so much while I was making this dress but at the same time I was applauding myself for not giving up!  I woke up and wanted to make a dress and I did.  It doesn't matter if anyone ever sees me wearing it out in public what matters to me is I saw myself in something I wanted to make!  I saw myself wrapped (and popping out)  in some of the most special material ever...my "son"dress and I was pretty proud to wear it...AT HOME!  ;)

I close with the cheesy title of my blog post today...and I ask if you see why I am "sew" in love with my "son"dress?

BE INSPIRED TODAY!!!  MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN!  YOU CAN DO IT!  

I know, I know Heidi Klum ..."auf Wiedersehen! 

MAKE IT WORK PEOPLE, MAKE IT WORK!  

If you don't get any inspiration from this at least you may have learned how goodbye is spelled in German!  NOTHING like it sounds!

PS- want a handkerchief? ;)

here I go LEANING...

One month from today will be Matthew's 8th birthday in heaven.

Here it comes and here I go...

This may be a surprising fact but not one year has it been any easier.  Not one.  Sometimes it is more difficult than the year before.  But It is never difficult to count my blessings at the same time I count the number of candles that I should be putting on Matthew's birthday cake.  Know what I mean?

July 2nd, the day he passed away, July 3rd, my birthday, July 4th, everyone around me celebrating "Independence Day"~ It is awkward, always and perhaps always will be.  July 4, 2005, I was on life support fighting for my life after my baby lost his and others were eating barbecue...it has never been the same since.

Is it so difficult to understand why the fireworks pierce my heart so?

How does one celebrate her birthday the day after her son doesn't get to?  


After years and years of trying to find peace with people wishing me Happy Birthday, (did I mention that my brother's son passed away on my 15th birthday?) while refraining myself from wanting to tell them to shove that Happy Birthday somewhere else, I have found a way to celebrate life on my birthday.  I celebrate being here for RW and for my boys.  That is something to celebrate for it is a miracle I survived from the trauma of what happened to me.  A miracle.

I know that and I CELEBRATE that.

It is impossible to go into this time of the year without memories surfacing of the very moments before our loss...the innocent anticipation of what we were "expecting" and the tragic rawness of what we "didn't expect" that we were left with.

Seriously takes my breath away.

It is tough, very tough. 

As the memories and rawness of it all are dipping me in a fresh batch of hurt, the annual countdown to the death of our son and the tragedy that came along with it is on.  I feel like I should be an old pro at this but to be  honest I feel just like I did that first year and every year after.  I am pretty sure experience will never trump that.

I am also pretty sure that I will do whatever I have to in the days ahead to stand... But there will be a whole lot of leaning...leaning on Jesus, leaning on RW, leaning on my family and leaning on the word of God.

So here it comes and here I go LEANING...

Love to all!

LCW