There are some moments as a grieving parent that it is incredibly hard to step 'back into society' because once you bury your child, perspective on absolutely everything changes. And reality is, in society, we are listening to people complain about their day and in our heads and hearts we are screaming silently "at least you have your children... all of them!" Okay, at least I can say that I have had this experience a time or two or twenty five! And to be honest will probably feel like this for the rest of my life in brief moments when I am overwhelmed. And truth for me is that I don't mean these things, I just don't see things with what I call "I have never buried my child glasses on" anymore. Know what I mean?
This happened to me; one day a lady (in the grocery line- I did not know her) was complaining to me as she showed me her broken nail... I lowered my head and looked at my nails, dirt was clearly visible under my own nails where I had been weeding Matthew's grave. I really wanted to say 'REALLY LADY? LOOK AT THESE NAILS... THIS IS THE DIRT THAT IS ON TOP OF MY BABY'S GRAVE! NOW TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THAT BROKEN NAIL!' but I DIDN'T tell her that at all. Thank you God for giving me moments of grace! But, I have had a time or maybe three hundred times that I have not offered so much grace after a comment I couldn't handle. Thank you God for forgiveness.
For the record: I really can't stand to have a broken nail either.
The following words are just an illustration... maybe some of you have felt these things, I know I have. Some of you are reading this with the same "glasses" I am wearing... and you will totally get it!
So you are having a bad day? I'm so sorry you had a flat tire that made you late for work. I, too, had a flat tire on my way to the cemetery, and work, maybe one day I can be strong enough to go back. Oh my, and you broke a nail while getting the jack out of the trunk. Ironically, I broke a nail as well trying to dig up unwanted weeds that were surrounding my child's tombstone. I understand, being late for work meant you had to stay late, so no time to cook or clean. I stayed a long while at the cemetery and when I got home, I was so exhausted from crying I couldn't cook or clean either. And, wow, you have to fit baseball, basketball and cheer practices in your schedule today too? I am sorry you say the gnats are so bad this season. I would do anything to be going to ball practice swatting gnats today... anything. I understand, all of this running means you don't have any "me time." I will have "me time" and it will consist of spreading photographs all over the floor while my fingers trace my child's face and I close my eyes to remember that moment. Oh, you have tons of laundry to do still when you get home? I am minus one in my family, but what I wouldn't give to have those dirty socks to wash. I am so sorry you will have to spend the remaining energy you have yelling at your kids to go to bed tonight since you are in such a state of exhaustion and so tired... I too, am in a state of exhaustion and so tired but tonight I will grab my child's teddy bear and hug it until it is soaking wet with my tears sending all of my bedtime kisses to heaven.
I'm sorry you had a bad day... I hope tomorrow is better.
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oh my, again, you got it!
ReplyDeleteYou have to know how much your blog means to me. That you share these thoughts...man. I'm just floored.
it is so refreshing to know that these thoughts are so normal.
I weep for you.
Laurie
It's been almost 7 years since I buried my sweet boy... The only way I would write my book is if I could be genuine and raw... and today I remain true to that on this blog when it comes to sharing my heart. I am speaking what I feel many are trying to say or perhaps maybe are wanting to say. I am speaking from my mama heart. So grateful you are being touched by my blogs. Much love & prayers for you, LW
ReplyDeleteLori, thanks for being so honest. I have thoughts like this all the time, but feel like I can't express it for fear of hurting someone's feelings or making them feel uncomfortable. Reading the thoughts that go through my head written by someone else really give validation to them and helps me realize I don't have to feel guilty for these feelings.
ReplyDeleteHi there Morgan... I have to tell you that when I started this journey of writing the book and then starting the blog, one thing I was certain of was to be authentic and as raw as I can, so I express my thoughts as so... I really believe there are so many that want to say these things out loud or to someone, but are afraid of, as you said, hurting feelings or making them feel uncomfortable. My heart's desire is to help those that feel that way and by blogging, I can connect with you all on such a different level. I hope this blog / book may help you on this journey! Love & hugs! Lori
DeleteI say so many things like this in my head. Only mine are always at least you have other children, I have none. Or you have a husband when I lost my fiance just after the baby. I see every situation is different and we all have different support systems but it's nice to hear I am not alone in these bitter thoughts. No one understands life after loss until they've gone through it. I may smile on the outside but cringe when someone says they are expecting. I am not heartless buy see the world go on around me while I'm living in an entirely different place filled with heartache. Thank you for writing this! It's so beautiful.
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