#51...

With the fresh scent of sanitized hands, I sit and wait for #51 to  be called to the back... Today I am #51.  

Today #51 will be getting labs done for pre-op in prep for surgery on the 20th.  #51 will get another needle, another "oh I am so sorry smile..."  and a lump in her throat as she waits this out...again.

Sitting in the chair, as #51, I am getting mad.  Mad because I am human, mad because my baby is not here and mad because if he were here, I wouldn't be #51.  Feelings of complete guilt override my anger as I realize that I also wouldn't be #51 if Matthew had never existed... I wouldn't trade being Matthew's mama for anything... and this is part of my journey as Matthew's mama... so I sit and wait, again.

The sweet lady that is fixing to do my pre-op paperwork has no idea the road I have traveled to land me in this place at this time.  But I bet she is going to ask... along with the ladies I spoke to earlier on the phone doing my pre-op interview, along with the anesthesiologist and so on...  

Here we go... again.

What brings you here today Mrs. Weatherly?

Honestly, no offense y'all, but spare me on this question please!!!  WHY does EVERYONE have to ask that? Yes, because they are doing their job, but it is the most awful question I have to answer EVERY TIME I have a new nurse, lab tech, etc... 

MY BABY DIED AND I AM SICK BECAUSE OF IT... YES MA'AM IT WAS ALMOST 7 YEARS AGO AND I AM STILL SICK!  AND YES MA'AM THIS IS A RESULT OF THE TRAGEDY FROM THE DAY HE DIED. 

PERIOD!!!.

With each new face, my heart grows sick because believe me, I know what is coming.

I then get to relive the moment when Matthew died and account for the hell that I have had to go through physically with great details...  

I am sitting here writing as the nice lady is doing my paperwork.  She doesn't know my heart hurts so badly, the reason that I am here... the loss I had to endure and the struggle that I have when I go to hospitals or doctors.... it is not just a physical struggle... it is emotionally and mentally straining, always.  

Her job is to make sure #51 has insurance, and that #51 gets what she came for that the doctor ordered.  She did her job very well and was kind.

I don't think I ever get what I came for at the hospital... I know I sure didn't on July 2, 2005.

I was going to get a baby on that day... instead I got to be #51 today.

"I am so sorry Mrs. Weatherly, that is horrible..."

(In my mind... DUH!)

With all due respect, take my blood and please, please be quiet.

 

Sincerely,   

#51