I quit trying to be her...

I QUIT trying to be 'her...'  the girl I was once as I looked in the mirror.

The girl I was before I knew how much the death of a child would sting.

I quit trying to do what others 'expected' of me.'

I quit trying to please people.

I quit trying to hide the pain, the suffering and guilt under mascara and lip gloss.

I quit trying to be who I knew... all I knew... she was gone.  I looked for her, a lot.  An awful lot.

I even tried to do my makeup and hair just like she did to see if that reflection matched the one in the mirror.

It didn't.

My heart and soul didn't match the reflection... my eyes were dense.  My complexion pale.

Sad.  I was so sad.

I only wanted to have my baby back... and to see myself as his mother in the mirror.

Fast forward 7 1/2 years later... and I don't see who I once was anymore...

But I DO see MATTHEW'S MAMA when I look at my reflection in the mirror.

I knew when I saw me again, I would be okay... I would be different, but I would be okay.

I am never going to be able to mother Matthew (physically) on this earth.  I had to accept that and figure out how to embrace what I did have... and I have a piece of paper that says I am his mother... I have his stamp in my heart... his pictures on my wall... and his love in my home.

I can see joy when I look in the mirror because I have worked hard to get that back!  I have worked hard to reclaim the joy of being who I am now and not wishing to be who I was.

Sure, I wish with all of my being that Matthew was here.  But he is not.  And for that reason I must carry on and represent his life with my work, my writing, my book and my family.  I must love that person I see in the mirror, and  I must be kind to her...after all she is pretty special to be the mama to the most wonderful boys ever!

I quit trying to be her... and I am happy with me!



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