I will "say it out loud!" for the rest of my life!

During the busyness of the week, I found myself beside a precious mother who is grieving the loss of her baby girl.  As our conversation plugged deeper, I found myself asking her if she spoke of her daughter every day.  I found myself asking her if she was saying it out loud.  I found myself understanding the need, even more...to speak...to speak their names out loud...every single day.  I found myself wondering how many mothers and fathers are dying to talk but afraid to speak like I once was.

When I joined the team of writers at Still Standing Magazine, I began to see a movement among our community that was painfully beautiful.  I began to see moms and dads recognize, write and paint and honor their children in so many creative ways that I never even knew existed.  I began to get to know their children and remember their children through their work.  I think it is pretty amazing that I can look at a photograph and say Christian's mom did that...I can go to StillStandingMag.com and I know that Jenna Belle's mom pours into this magazine daily...I can see a pink bow and think Cora's mom is spreading awareness for CHD and then I remember Colin's mom who also works diligently with this cause, I can see a painting and know that Eve's mom or Amelia's mom took deep breaths in between the brush strokes... the list goes on and on!  It truly does!  I remember because they speak.  Sure, I know their names as well, but so much more importantly, I know their children's names.  Their children's voices are being heard and recognized!  Those voices are beautiful and important!  You can read all about those voices here and I hope you will!  Those voices have the potential to move your soul in ways other voices never will.

I challenged myself to reflect upon my own life and I admit I was afraid for years to speak...I was afraid of letting the world know that I was hurting.  I was afraid that the pain would be too great.  I was afraid to say my son died...saying it meant I could no longer deny it...saying it meant the world would look at me differently.

With a deep breath and armfuls of faith, I did it anyway.  I spoke.  I let the world know that I was Matthew's Mama!  And it was amazing!

Sure the world looked at me differently...but the world looked differently to me also.

I look at the world and I see the quiet mama sitting on the other side of the room dying to talk but afraid to speak.  I recognize her well because for so long that was my reflection in the mirror.  I can see it in her eyes and feel it in the air.  She is dying to talk but afraid to speak.  Perhaps she feels the way I did...

I was dying to talk but afraid to speak...

I was afraid to say it out loud!

I was dying to talk because I was hurting inside.

I was afraid to speak because I was hurting inside.

I heard others call his name and secretly I wanted to do that too...

I wanted to say his name but I was afraid...

I was afraid that others would think I had lost my mind as well as my baby.

I was afraid that when I said his name the echo of the silent response would be too much to bear.

I was afraid I did not have enough courage to speak.

I was dying because I could not speak.

I did not know if anyone would listen or if anyone would want to.

I did it anyway.

Slowly, I began to speak...

I whispered, I cried...

I said it, I said his name...

I screamed it!

I didn't know if anyone heard me.

So I said it again!

I felt brave for the first time in forever.

I had spoken his name...

I had spoken!

I was no longer afraid to say it...

I was no longer afraid to speak...

I was no longer afraid to say it out loud!

I will say it out loud for the rest of my life!

Will you join us in saying it out loud?

Please take a look at this film trailer ~  Return to Zero, a must see for everyone!  Together, we say it loudly, say it proudly and are breaking the silence!