my tragic circus...

We are 32 days away from Matthew's 8th birthday. 

My heart is all too aware that I am only one flip away from July...just one flip.  And then there it is...

The month...the day that would change everything about our lives, everything.  

Nothing can stop it...it is well on its way.

My sleep is restless.  My thoughts scattered.  I want to be silent.  I want to scream.  I want to write and get it all out but it is all in there circling around like a tragic day at the circus...the ride that won't stop and the clown that frightens all of the little kids...it keeps going and going and I am nauseous.  I hate this circus.  

As I was sitting on the porch this evening, I was trying to write, too many thoughts piercing my head to even write a draft of anything.  I scribbled and scratched and got irritated with myself for that frustrates me even worse when I cannot envelop my thoughts with clarity into anything more than gibberish.  

What would frustrate a writer more than not being able to write?  Make her a bereaved mommy and give her all of the extra helpings that come along with that and see what you get. 

A tragic circus.  That's what I get.

I am tired.  Really tired today and I want my mind and my heart to rest. 

I am hoping to close this and bring some peace to the thoughts running rapidly in my head...and give myself the okay to not process it all right now.  It is way harder than it seems.  Way harder.

As I penned the following note to myself, I realized it was enough for the day.

I was done.  It was God's turn.

I must turn to my Bible and get off of my blog...for there is where I will refresh my faith and find my peace.  There I will get clarity for the next moment that I have to make it through.  Which is right now and tomorrow and the next day and the forever for the rest of my lifetime.  Forever.  

I think the perfect place to start is Isaiah 26:3 ~ "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you." ~NIV  Yep, that is the perfect place.

Thankful to have a God that can take me and my tragic circus, give me comfort, grace, mercy, forgiveness, love me unconditionally and give me the strength to also offer that to others...for in that, there is great healing and hope.  I cannot imagine living my life without hope or living my life without sharing the hope that I have.  That is why I share my heart even when the tragic circus comes to town.  For I make it through every single ride and every scary clown!  And I want you to know that!  

God has never left me and today is no exception.