here I go LEANING...

One month from today will be Matthew's 8th birthday in heaven.

Here it comes and here I go...

This may be a surprising fact but not one year has it been any easier.  Not one.  Sometimes it is more difficult than the year before.  But It is never difficult to count my blessings at the same time I count the number of candles that I should be putting on Matthew's birthday cake.  Know what I mean?

July 2nd, the day he passed away, July 3rd, my birthday, July 4th, everyone around me celebrating "Independence Day"~ It is awkward, always and perhaps always will be.  July 4, 2005, I was on life support fighting for my life after my baby lost his and others were eating barbecue...it has never been the same since.

Is it so difficult to understand why the fireworks pierce my heart so?

How does one celebrate her birthday the day after her son doesn't get to?  


After years and years of trying to find peace with people wishing me Happy Birthday, (did I mention that my brother's son passed away on my 15th birthday?) while refraining myself from wanting to tell them to shove that Happy Birthday somewhere else, I have found a way to celebrate life on my birthday.  I celebrate being here for RW and for my boys.  That is something to celebrate for it is a miracle I survived from the trauma of what happened to me.  A miracle.

I know that and I CELEBRATE that.

It is impossible to go into this time of the year without memories surfacing of the very moments before our loss...the innocent anticipation of what we were "expecting" and the tragic rawness of what we "didn't expect" that we were left with.

Seriously takes my breath away.

It is tough, very tough. 

As the memories and rawness of it all are dipping me in a fresh batch of hurt, the annual countdown to the death of our son and the tragedy that came along with it is on.  I feel like I should be an old pro at this but to be  honest I feel just like I did that first year and every year after.  I am pretty sure experience will never trump that.

I am also pretty sure that I will do whatever I have to in the days ahead to stand... But there will be a whole lot of leaning...leaning on Jesus, leaning on RW, leaning on my family and leaning on the word of God.

So here it comes and here I go LEANING...

Love to all!

LCW