Why I come here a lot...

I find myself coming here a lot more lately. A lot more than usual.

I write, I ramble and I stutter much more than you know that I do.  My draft section is quite full.  I will write a sentence or two and just sign off.  A lot.

I will come back just a while later and do that again, perhaps with a different topic, but nonetheless, my pattern is the same.

Today as I examined my pattern, I had a breakthrough in what and why I am doing this.

With summer in full force here, I am busy taking care of Nathan and Will, very busy...but somehow there is this time that I am carving out to visit here often.  I don't have any extra time but I find myself making time more than I ever have before.

I find myself growing anxious if I have a thought and cannot carry it out at that moment.  Almost like when I am spending time with one of my boys and the other one calls for me.  Yes, I feel like that.

This time that I am creating in the spaces of my day is Matthew's time.  The only way I know  how to be his mama is by writing about him and sharing him with others.  This time is not just important to me right now, it is necessary.  I know that.

I am very protective of this time right now as his 8th birthday is on the horizon which is probably what I subconsciously am fretting over the most in my head and heart right now.

I should be busy planning his party.

But instead I am writing here about him and about the party that will never happen.

That's why I am here, a lot.

I will remain here a lot, for that is what I need to do right now.  I am fulfilled by being here.

I am fulfilled in life by being a mom to three boys...three.

I am full circle today with this epiphany, if you want to call it that.  I am so happy that I made the connection today.  Instead of being so frustrated that I cannot complete a draft, I will embrace the one liners and  recognize I am simply being his mom!