Return to Sender

One day, not too long ago, while I was working on an article, I pulled this photo for the media to go along with it.

This little white "bed" held my precious son, it held his perfect body that I held within me for nine months.

I still gulp when I see this photo.  Surreal.

Did my husband really take him out of my arms and place him in that bed?

I am pretty sure this is the hardest thing RW has ever had to do, take our son out of  my arms

And then I remember flashes of that moment and I am easily brought to my knees.

Dear God, that hurts.

The day I pulled this photo for the magazine, the words "return to sender" came into my mind.

I could see the words "return to sender" blared with ink on the top of his "bed" like a package being mailed off, like shipping instructions.  It was a strong visual thing for me.

Woah, I didn't want to return to sender!  (I immediately thought)

I wanted to keep my gift!

Then as tears rolled from my eyes, I remembered the scripture we had engraved upon Matthew's tombstone

"I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him so now I give him to the Lord."   1 Samuel 1:27-28

I know we say we "give" our children to the Lord, but I really had to give my child to the Lord.

I wasn't ready to learn what it feels like to literally give a child to the Lord.  Not like that.

I would learn a new meaning for this scripture through the most difficult days of my life.

I haven't been able to shake the "return to sender" thing since that day and so I just let it stay with me until I could write it out...So here I am, writing it out and it is giving me a beautiful new perspective!  After eight years, new perspective is always welcome!

You see, Matthew was returned to sender after twenty five minutes on this earth and as much as that makes me weep, I also find great peace knowing one day I will also be returned to Sender!

Call it a bed, a box, whatever you want when I am in one...but rest assured, there will be a huge smile on my face when our Sender returns Matthew back to my arms! 

As for the shipping instructions that I described above, I can almost see the shipping label hand written by one of Matthew's angels, kind of like when children go to school and they are sent out to the car rider line with a sticker so they get to the right car, you know what I mean?  I can almost hear Jesus telling the angel to pen "return to mother..." 

The visual that once disturbed my heart now gives to me a smile.  

One day y'all are going to hear me shouting from heaven "Returned to Mother!!!"

Woah, child...that  is going to be amazing!

So, I close today, grateful for God giving me yet another visual reminder of my eternal goal and what He holds there already for me!

Much love to all!