For my FOL readers:
DISAPPOINTMENTS, NIGHTMARES AND MEMORIES
Life has seemed so full of disappointments, and to tell the truth, we are sick of them. So many days I want to quit. As July draws near, I feel depression coming over me and all I want to do is sleep, even though I never really sleep. The nightmares come on a regular basis now as we approach Matthew's first birthday. Once again I find that time has not helped me to "get over my loss" as so many people have tried to comfort me by saying. Not a day or a second goes by that I don't ache for my baby. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe and sometimes I don't want to take that breath. Then I think of Nathan and Ronnie, I never want to leave them. It is all so physically and emotionally painful; the nightmares, the memories, the smell of the hospital, then leaving the hospital without my baby. As I battle these emotions I find I cannot sleep.
Once again memory takes me back to the day of his birth and the overwhelming disappointment of the unexpected turn of events that day. Then my mind swiftly takes me to the day of Matthew's service, the first time I saw him. I remember how I held him to my chest, how I felt his cheek next to mine and the embrace that lasted only a moment that I would never have again. That was the most beautiful as well as the most heartbreaking day in my life. Everyday I close my eyes and just ask Jesus to never, never, never let forget the feel of his perfect little cheek touching mine. Oh God, I miss that! I have slept with his blue bear every night since I came home from the hospital. I put it to my cheek and just cry. So many emotions are surfacing I feel though I am suffocating beneath the weight of them. I can't sleep as the waves of emotion roll over me again and again...
Are you approaching a first birthday? Are you having overwhelming flashbacks of the day that forever changed your life? Do you find yourself caught in the nightmare as you close your eyes? Oh my goodness, to look back and understand the depth of emotions and the emptiness I had inside of me makes my heart hurt. And to know that so many of you are feeling that same way, urges me to press on in this journey with Facets of Life and letting you know there is such hope ahead. It still hurts, but there is hope!
Psalm 4:8 "In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You, Lord, alone make me dwell in safety and confident trust."
Much love,
LCW
Thank you for sharing that raw emotion with us! I sat her nodding in agreement as I read! I too have found that time does not heal everything! The pain may become different, but not healed...
ReplyDeleteI am wondering how this approaching first birthday is gonna go. I am wondering if "people" will expect me to be "all better, all over, back to normal" after June 30, 2012 comes and goes.
ReplyDeleteI do know this, I am a better, different servant of God now because of Jack Oliver Young, my sweet JOY boy.
I will never NOT weep for that boy. Matthew's day is so close to Jack's...
thank you for this post, Lori...you continue to give us hope here on earth. (((many hugs to you)))
The first birthday for me was agonizing. The first anniversary was too, but in a different way for me. At his birthday, I was just so so sad for everything that was not. No chocolate cake, no party, no anything except a visit to the cemetery. At the 1st anniversary of his death, I was reliving that day every second. I had actually had a social worker tell me that "grieving lasts 1 year." Period. End of it. Yeah, that is totally not the case. Yesterday was Sullys 14th 11th in Heaven. Still makes my heart physically hurt.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing what I have such a hard time expressing myself! I may be a little on the private side with how I handle Sully's days, but nothing will keep me from celebrating Jack's birthday with Laurie at the JOY launch!