I was looking for Will's social security card today for school registration, and of course, as my fingers pushed paper after paper aside, there it was... the one piece of paper that brings me to my knees every time I see it. There is something so surreal about seeing this legal piece of paper making my baby a statistic, a number in the courthouse, for goodness sake it has his time of death staring at me! I remember the day it came in the mail... and I am going to just leave it at that.
It hurts.
So, now, I go to that STUPID LULLABY that is played every time a baby is born! I know you are thinking omgoodness, I have lost my rocker... no y'all, I lost my baby and when you lose a baby, your rocker is empty, like your arms, and you certainly don't want to hear that STUPID LULLABY they play.
You know the one... when you are visiting a friend or maybe even if you work in the hospital, that RINGS SO LOUD you can hear on EVERY SINGLE FLOOR announcing a new life... a new baby that someone gets to bring home!
And no matter if you run to the bathroom and put your fingers in your ear and push the hand dryer, you still hear it... That one!
I wonder if they played it when Matthew was born... did they acknowledge his life with the lullaby? Did they let people know my baby was born? Or was death so imminent they skipped this for his birth? I'm not sure, none of us are- to much chaos and screaming and trauma in the moment... but I wonder...
I love when new life arrives, or when a beautiful baby is born or when parents get to bring their baby home... but in this moment I am just speaking as a mama who feels like my heart is stabbed with every note of the lullaby... and as much as I am full of joy for the new family, it stings to hear it...
Who knows, maybe I am the only mama who has such strong feelings on this or has experienced this, but I have... and to this day, whatever hospital I am at, whenever the first note is played... it hurts.
These are all realities that some people that have not experienced loss may not understand... but they are very real... just like the document above...
Signing off today knowing Matthew lives... he lives in heaven surrounded by the most beautiful lullaby's we could ever imagine... The lullaby that I know one day will soothe my soul...
Oh, Lori. I'm so sorry. It's so hard when things pop up seemingly out of the blue that steal your breath and stab your heart. The big days we expect to be hard, but the others, a song, a verse, opening your car trunk and finding a onesie (no idea why it was there!), they are so startling. Praying for a peaceful night.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, Jamie. SO many things can pop up when least expected... and it can literally take your breath away! Thank you so much for the prayers. Much love, Lori
DeleteSweet lady, I am so sorry you have to feel this... But rest assured you aren't alone in these feelings! I am weeping with you tonight and whispering your name in prayer!
ReplyDeleteThank you Annette~ I know I am not alone... prayers are coveted & I am sending you lots of hugs! xoxo!
DeletePrecious girl, my prayers are with you tonight. That loss will always be so real, but how sweet it is that the hope of holding your beautiful baby again is just as real. Praise God. I am also praying for peace for you tonight.
ReplyDeleteThank you Carol... It is such a sweet thought to know I WILL hold him again... Your words are precious & I thank you kindly. Much love & hope!
Deletehugs and love to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of "those" mommas too.
ouch.
xoxo! Hugs right back to you sweet friend!
Deletewe didn't get anything when Leia died. I think it's worse. It is like she didn't even exist. No birth certificate no death certificate. But I gave birth to her. hugs
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry... hugs back...
DeleteI so feel this very same way. It stings to the very depths of my soul, even though I realize the miracle it is for each new life to actually make it here. It stings so much that my Jonah is not here with me and for others, life comes so easily.
ReplyDeleteAbby, sending you some hugs and hope!!! I am so sorry little Jonah is not here with you sweet friend!
DeleteI know this post was a while back but I found it from another site. I couldn't believe that someone posted about that lullaby. I thought that I was so alone in that. I cried to my mom about that. "WHY do they play it for the breathing babies but not for the dead ones? WHY!!!" My baby was a baby, too.
ReplyDelete, I have lost my rocker... no y'all, I lost my baby and when you lose a baby, your rocker is empty, like your arms, Lullaby Babies
ReplyDelete