Friday, October 10, 2014

Three things...

It's been quite a while since I have shared but some things are just revolving around in my head lately and that usually is my sign to take a moment or two to write...

Thus, here I am.

This has a lot to do with just three simple things that I feel like many may be battling right now, but are completely unsure how  to digest or process what they are feeling, what they are experiencing or how to begin to heal, so I dive deep into a pit of rawness to try and reach out to those of you who may need this.

Before  you read any further, please note, this place of darkness, this place of extreme heartbrokenness was due to our son's passing bringing grief and all that comes along with it.  Losing a child takes you places nothing else will...and some of those places are just great big horrible pits...scratch that, a lot of those places are great big horrible pits...

And when you are in those pits, hope can become so far out of reach, faith can be hard to hold on to and questioning God is certainly sure to accompany you in that pit.

Matter of fact, even when you are out of the pit, some days you do all of the mentioned above.  Sorry, y'all, but even as I stand firm in my faith now, I am a real human being that knows the agony of losing a child...let's just say, God's grace is over abundant for me and carries me through on the worst of days.  Always has, (even when I didn't know it) and always will.


Back to why I am here today...those three things...THESE ARE DEEP!  Diving right in...

1.  After Matthew passed away, there were many days I didn't want to live anymore...NOT days where I wanted to take my own life, but days I begged God to take me.  Begged.  Yes, I begged God to take me.  I am so very grateful that God never left me, that He never took me and that He in His infinite wisdom knew the plans He had for us!  Amen!

2. When I decided to let the world know "I was okay" after such traumatic loss of our son and the trauma and injuries left to my body was the day "I became someone else."  I pretended to be the "person I once was" because it was much easier than being who I was left with, the one with a broken body and a broken heart.  So I pretended for the entire world I was okay.  There was no strength in that, I thought there was at the time, but I was so mistaken.  The real strength, God given strength emerged only when I told God I needed HIM!  The real strength was admitting my weakness and allowing God to use my brokenness to minister to others.  And that my friends is where my healing began, telling the world through my book I was broken, both emotionally and physically broken.  I needed to share my testimony with others so when they saw me, they saw the complete miracle that my life is, the fact that I can walk should just make you go "wow!"  And the fact that I can walk in heels, well, that, that just makes me smile!  And Jesus knows I love my heels and that I love to smile!

I knew Matthew's life had  purpose, my pain had purpose, and that the passion I had for other mothers who were also hurting was enough to make me want to share the worst (and best) of days in hopes to encourage others along the way. 

The last one is random I know, but one that I don't know if I have ever shared on my blog.  I am not sure why today I am sharing it and I may never know the reason, but God does and I trust Him with that.

3.  The one question in my heart that I was so afraid to ask my doctor was "Did my son suffer as he was dying?"  His response, "He probably felt like you did."  He was referring to the way I felt when I was bleeding to death...I just cried and cried and cried knowing that our son, our baby, our precious little one could even possibly feel the way I felt for one second of his life, much less all of it. It was one of the hardest questions I have ever had to ask or hear the answer to.  I know there are so many mothers and fathers who are sitting beside their sick child right now that would do anything in the world to trade places with them...I'm so sorry!  I pray for you daily, all of you, those that I know, those that I don't know...I pray for you.  I pray for your children.  I pray for cures, for  hope, for happy moments.  I pray for healing.

I pray for those who struggle with guilt of an illness or a death of their child....

My son died so that I would live and guilt has accompanied me a time or two... or three thousand and forty-five. I would have given my life, all if it, so that Matthew could have lived.  But I didn't have that choice, I didn't get to lay my life down for his, instead he laid his life down for me...he was my first blood donor...he was "my hero."

And I honor "my hero" by sharing our story with you all.  You may think I give TMI sometimes when I share the really, really bad moments, days, but y'all, these moments EXIST after loss!  They EXIST in the hearts and minds of those hurting!  (even if you don't know it!)  And I must share the HOPE that I have! The hope that Jesus has given to me, the hope and healing that our story can offer to others!  And that is attached to REAL, AUTHENTIC LIFE AFTER LOSS!  Nine years later, I still struggle sometimes, but God's grace, His mercy never, ever leaves me and always carries us through.

There's a song "Nothing Greater Than Grace" by Point of Grace that touches my heart every time I hear it.  I kept it on replay for probably about a year of my life...I will leave you with these lyrics.  I send my love and my prayers to each and every one of you today and always...there is nothing greater than grace!

So don't lose hope, don't let go
Don't give up, you are not alone

There is no valley, there is no darkness
There is no sorrow greater than the grace of Jesus.
There is no moment, there is no distance,
There is no heartbreak He can't take you through.
So before you think that you're too lost to save,
So before you think that you're too lost to save,
Remember there is nothing greater than grace.