I had to take a moment of my time today and share a little of what is on my heart on the ninth anniversary of burying our son.
Perseverance. Hope. Sorrow. Joy. Peace.
We have had a lot of bad happen in our lives and a lot of good happen in our lives and as I reflect upon the darkest of times, I remember singing "The Anchor Holds" by Ray Boltz. Today, on this day of remembrance of so many of those tragic times in our lives, I sing it with tears rolling down my face because that "anchor" that I used to sing about in tears of depression, sickness, fear, grief, is the same "anchor" I sing about today with tears rolling down my face...and that "anchor" holds! It really, really does!
I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
These eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms of my life
Oh, that's where God proved
His love to me
The anchor holds
Though the ship's been battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm
Sorrow has perched upon my heart and invaded my thoughts, my heart, my being, and there are days it still does, even nine years later, but along side of sorrow resides joy, peace and love that fills my heart with hope, eternal hope.
I remember people used to always tell me "sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning..." You know that Bible verse...Yep, that one! I remember waking up in the mornings and screaming at God "WHERE IS MY JOY???" And then the rants to God continued as I just wanted the sorrow to go away! I wanted JOY back! And y'all...one day, I realized I had THAT JOY again! It was MORNING! Not literally, but definitely scripturally!
As I listened to Steven Curtis Chapman's new song today "The Glorious Unfolding" I had goosebumps from my head to my toes. Because the story isn't over! And looking back, I see the BEAUTY of it all, even in the nights I spent weeping over Matthew's death...I see the beauty in the ashes...
I see in the darkest of moments where God just held me...as I screamed, as I cried, as I cursed death and the pain it brought to our family.
I see life slowly evolving over the years...I see flowers blooming in places I never thought they would grow again...this friends, is hope coming alive and as it does, joy travels back in...into places that are so desperate for life!
And that joy is God-given...and cannot be taken by anyone or any circumstance. That joy can reside even on days when I am in the dumps! And yes, I have those days! Many of them, actually! I just know that when they come, they will also go...and at the end of the day the "anchor" holds!
So today, as I look back on the past nine years, I see the sorrow, I feel the pain yet I see "The Glorious Unfolding" before my very eyes...and that is a beautiful gift from the one who has held me through it all!
If you are struggling today, if you are hurting and this is your darkest day, hold on to the "anchor!" I have been in the darkest of places and He never left me, not once!
I am grateful for the days ahead, grateful for life and surely grateful that I have the hope in my heart of being with my son again on the other side of heaven.
For my sweet baby boy, I love you, I miss you...and as fitting as the end of the video of "The Glorious Unfolding" is, I will end with this... "I'll see you in a little while..." (big mama tears)
*A must watch video- "Glorious Unfolding" by Steven Curtis Chapman