I blog to share what life is like after child loss.
I blog to fulfill my life of being a mother to three boys and this is how I mother Matthew. I tend to his grave site, I tend to this blog and I tend to my book in his memory.
I blog to share about his life, his death and all things that have come along with it.
I promised myself when I started this blog I would remain true to the rawness and reality of losing Matthew and I will continue to do so.
It isn't pretty sometimes, but it's always real.
After losing Matthew, I didn't want to read books that told me I was going to be okay, I wanted real life people to tell me that it was okay not to be okay. Because I wasn't okay!
I wanted to see them surviving after their loss. I wanted to see the good and the bad because I already knew there was a lot of bad.
I wanted to know if I wasn't okay, it was okay.
That's why I share here on my blog.
It is okay not to be okay and it is okay to be okay. Some days you will, some days you won't. And no matter what, it is okay.
I am a survivor of a uterine rupture that almost claimed my life and took my son's life. It is difficult. I grieve. I miss him. I share that here.
I share my heart, my family and the joys and sorrow that we have faced and are facing with life after loss.
I blog to help others for in helping others, I find great joy, and finding great joy of being Matthew's Mama is truly a blessing to my heart!
Thank you for reading!
I have recently been connected with your blog via Facebook and am blessed. I still have yet to know you and your whole story, but just reading this post I am finding we have a lot in common.
ReplyDeleteWe will be celebrating what would have been Kristen's 5th birthday Labor Day weekend. She was born on the Friday of Labor Day weekend 2008 and died Monday morning. I started a blog during my pregnancy in anticipation of sharing all the fun we were about to experience. Little did I know my blog would became a place I went to grieve, to be honest with how I was feeling, a safe place to say her name, to be her mama as you put it. I had people say "you should write a book" but that never felt like the right place to direct my words, my thoughts, my healing. My blog was my outlet and I was okay with that. As I started to feel it wasn't okay to not be okay, my honest posts started diminishing and "normal life" soon was the topic of most of my posts - or at least my attempt to portray normal life. Every once in a while I would post how I was really doing, but some of the reactions I would get were of surprise that I wasn't okay anymore. I actually started a private blog and only shared it with a few close friends. My healing process took a major hit because of it. My grief went from open and honest to almost resentful and closed off.
In May of 2010 our 3rd daughter was born when I too experienced a uterine rupture. The whole pregnancy was shadowed in fear because of our last experience and this only magnified my grief. God did many miracles that day and the weeks to follow, ones that still the medical staff who took care of me and her are still dumbfounded by. Simply by the grace of God, we were both spared our lives. My and her recovery were hard and only added to an already fragile and fatigued heart. I blogged a bit during and after our recovery, but I felt I was writing for an audience, not for my healing.
(it won't let me post the rest of my comment so I will just post another one!) :)
(second part of my comment)
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post about why you blog, I am feeling encouraged to start writing again. Recently a couple in our church lost their first baby. Although they knew early on the their pregnancy she wouldn't survive, the loss is never easy. (ours was completely unexpected.) I asked a mutual friend if I could be of help and comfort to them. (I have no personal connection with them) The reply was that they wanted to lay low for a couple of weeks and they'd think about it. At first I was a little put off - why wouldn't you want people around who "get it"? But while I was a church last night by heart was breaking for them and for the first time in a long time I had tears streaming down my face during most of worship, every word having a new meaning as I thought about this couple and what they're going through. I felt God prompt me to start blogging again and share with them through the blog, since they weren't quite ready for personal contact. In just the last 24 hours I've been inundated with all the prompts of posts I need to write. I am feeling the "burden of comfort", wanting to over flow the grace and comfort I was given into the lives of others. It wasn't until those moments did I feel I had anything to offer.
I recently came across a post about what it means to live in both worlds of "normal" and grieving. (http://goingsgraces.wordpress.com/2013/08/03/how-is-too-hard/) Reading that post and yours encouraged me to not wait for when I am "done grieving" to reach out to others, or to wait until they're ready. Writing allows me to write as I'm able and them to read as they're able. I began to recognize that in the land of the blind the one eyed man is king. The immediate stages of grief (and those unexpected waves that come out of nowhere) can blind us and it is then we need people and blogs that remind us that it's okay not to be okay.
Thank you for writing. Thank you for the encouragement to be not-okay. I love the idea that my blog can be how I tend and nurture what I have left of Kristen. August is always a hard month for me....I think restarting my blog will be a great way to being reclaiming August!
blessings, Tara
Tara, thank you! Thank you for sharing your heart and your story with me! Yes, mama, blog!!! Send the link to me, I would love to read! It took me years before I could write, other than my own private journal, but when I was ready, I was so ready! Sounds like you are too! I am excited for you and for what God has in store!! It's going to be good! Prayers to you this month especially! And thank you again! Can't wait to connect to your blog! Hugs mama!!! XO
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