The early days of October were pretty difficult and I am sure blogging about them will be done as I can talk about the two events that shook me really hard.
Both events left me speechless. One was a gun man at my son's pee wee football game, (no shots were fired and no one was injured, but the event left images and feelings that are etched so deep) and the other was a doctor appointment from HE double hockey sticks! In case you don't know what that means, it is the polite version of HELL!
Both of these situations gripped my heart and robbed my soul. Literally.
And as I sit today and ponder all of the things that we have been through over the last eight years, I see so much bad, so much heartache, so much pain...and if I scroll back to the beginning of this blog, to my book or to my journals in the early days of losing Matthew, I can feel the pain with every word penned, I feel the heartache, the tragedy, the wounds with the deepest part of my heart and soul, I see it all before my eyes. But in the same breath, I can see God's grace ALL over it!
I posted a Facebook status earlier that inspired this post-
I have spent some time writing this morning...Purging your heart into print before your eyes sure takes you to hard places sometimes! But I cannot help but to see God's grace through it all, even in the bad, God's grace is present...sometimes very boldly, but more often, written between the lines. Thank you God for the grace you give to me daily to live and to survive the days, weeks, months and years since losing Matthew. And for giving me the grace to share with others that are also living with loss and suffering. It is called "Amazing Grace" for a reason!
I can get so caught up in the circumstances sometimes and I think that is so normal to do as humans, but when I look at the supernatural surrounding me, I am in awe! Complete awe! There are miracles everywhere! And restoration fills my cup daily! Daily!
When Matthew died, I was permanently injured from the trauma to my body from the uterine rupture. Doctors were unsure if I would walk again. I got warning labels a lot. This could be "the year" that you are in a wheelchair. I remember one doctor telling me that five years post injury, I would be in a wheelchair. Well, I am eight plus years post injury and still walking!
This is where I am going to be all sappy for a moment...
When Nathan, our oldest, was 5 years old, his brother died. He had no idea if his mama was going to die, neither did anyone else. As I began to walk again, he saw me learn to lean on his daddy and others to walk, then he saw me walk by myself over time. I remember him asking me if I was going to be okay...(big mama tears) and it was then I knew I would do everything in my power to be okay. I was going to do therapy and exercise and do my very best to stay on my feet for as long as I could. And I have. His words "Mama Persevere. Don't give up" still inspire me daily.
Stay with me on this for a minute...When Nathan was that 5 year old little boy looking at me with those big brown eyes asking me this question, my heart and my thoughts jumped ahead to the future of his little life- one of those moments was his 8th grade football game, walking him across the field, another, his 12th grade football game, walking him across the field. I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to walk beside him proudly...
And when the doctor told me that five years post injury I would be in a wheelchair, I jumped ahead to these football moments again...(big mama tears)
And now, one of these football moments is HERE! It is tomorrow night! Tomorrow night I WILL WALK my eighth grade son across the football field proudly! With big mama tears, I am sure!
This, this is a picture of GOD'S AMAZING GRACE for me! This is a moment I never thought I would have with my son, and he didn't know if he would have it with me!
There's so much bad in this world and we have been through much of it...so much! BUT GOD IS SO GOOD!!! And he has given us some of the most amazing moments in our lives!
Today, I can so easily freak out when I think about not being able to walk for his senior night across that football field or I can remember that daily for the last eight years, I have been walking in God's grace when doctors never thought I would!
I think I am sticking with the last one!
The hard question of the day for me is, "What shoes shall I wear when I WALK my son across the football field tomorrow night?
*UPDATE- Tonight was AMAZING and so emotional!
So much I could say, but I will just say I am grateful and blessed to have had this moment with Nathan!
It was so special on so many levels!
Here are a few pics! Grateful, grateful, grateful!
I always pray with Nate before games- (he calls me after school in the locker room or on the bus headed to the away games) but tonight, we were able to pray with him on the field. This is what we did before he played his last middle school ball game. He said "amen and I love you" and headed to play ball. I was so glad when I saw this photo on my camera roll! (photo above) So special! All of tonight was so special!
Thank you God for my family and for the ability to walk in your grace every day of my life!
PS- It got chilly, so I wore my boots! No sparkly shoes, but I promise, I was sparkling enough without them! (in my heart, that is!) <3