Friday, September 28, 2012

I quit trying to be her...

I QUIT trying to be 'her...'  the girl I was once as I looked in the mirror.

The girl I was before I knew how much the death of a child would sting.

I quit trying to do what others 'expected' of me.'

I quit trying to please people.

I quit trying to hide the pain, the suffering and guilt under mascara and lip gloss.

I quit trying to be who I knew... all I knew... she was gone.  I looked for her, a lot.  An awful lot.

I even tried to do my makeup and hair just like she did to see if that reflection matched the one in the mirror.

It didn't.

My heart and soul didn't match the reflection... my eyes were dense.  My complexion pale.

Sad.  I was so sad.

I only wanted to have my baby back... and to see myself as his mother in the mirror.

Fast forward 7 1/2 years later... and I don't see who I once was anymore...

But I DO see MATTHEW'S MAMA when I look at my reflection in the mirror.

I knew when I saw me again, I would be okay... I would be different, but I would be okay.

I am never going to be able to mother Matthew (physically) on this earth.  I had to accept that and figure out how to embrace what I did have... and I have a piece of paper that says I am his mother... I have his stamp in my heart... his pictures on my wall... and his love in my home.

I can see joy when I look in the mirror because I have worked hard to get that back!  I have worked hard to reclaim the joy of being who I am now and not wishing to be who I was.

Sure, I wish with all of my being that Matthew was here.  But he is not.  And for that reason I must carry on and represent his life with my work, my writing, my book and my family.  I must love that person I see in the mirror, and  I must be kind to her...after all she is pretty special to be the mama to the most wonderful boys ever!

I quit trying to be her... and I am happy with me!

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Sunday, September 2, 2012

making lemonade...

It is nearly 1 am- I can't sleep... WHY?  Because LIFE GAVE ME LEMONS and neuropathy is the sour stuff that keeps me awake some times!

We have all heard "When life gives you lemons... make lemonade!"

Perhaps, easier said than done, however when practiced enough, this can be done!

Tonight, I am thinking of many people I know that have been affected by some pretty awful lemons!  Life has been harsh; circumstances out of their control have dictated to them them such extreme pain.

Lemons.  Yuck!

Yes, I have had many lemons... many sour places...

It's almost like, okay... so I am trying really hard to make some lemonade but when I squeeze the stupid lemon, the juice burns the wound so badly!  BUT to get the lemonade, we have to keep squeezing through the pain... the sting... Anybody???

Through life, everyone has struggles... even small children that grow up in a divorced home will one day, as adults, have to choose to be bitter or better.  We all do regardless of what we go through.  There will be a crossroad we arrive at... it is there we must make the choice to use the trial for helping others and growing stronger or we will use the trial as a clutch to blame others for our hurts and put a wall around ourselves so no one is allowed in our space- (also known as trying to protect ourselves)   I'll throw my hands in the air, I've done this!  BUT I have learned that holding onto my bag of lemons instead of making lemonade hurts me!  These lemons when used correctly by adding the necessary ingredients, can quench my thirst by making a big glass of lemonade and benefit me (and others) instead of hinder me or hinder others!  Not only can I use my lemons to make myself a drink, I could also offer some to my neighbor... there's a real lesson in that if you think about it a while. :)

Many nights, I have laid in bed in tremendous pain while suffering intense neuropathy and I held lemons!  I was left with lemons and not a baby! I was left with lemons... a very scarred body and permanent injuries! I cried.  I yelled!  I was mad at God! I was probably mad at everyone!   To say I was suffering in silence is an understatement!

Tonight... I could still scream about the neuropathy and hold that bag of lemons...  BUT instead, my hands are free and I am using this time to share my heart, Matthew's story, our hope in Christ, my testimony,  Facets of Life, Arbonne... I am using my time to help others... and by doing this... I AM MAKING LEMONADE!

If you are holding lemons tonight, I am so sorry friend... but I do know that the experience of making lemonade, although not always pleasant, is so worthwhile!

Big hugs to all!