Sunday, May 26, 2013

I will "say it out loud!" for the rest of my life!

During the busyness of the week, I found myself beside a precious mother who is grieving the loss of her baby girl.  As our conversation plugged deeper, I found myself asking her if she spoke of her daughter every day.  I found myself asking her if she was saying it out loud.  I found myself understanding the need, even speak their names out loud...every single day.  I found myself wondering how many mothers and fathers are dying to talk but afraid to speak like I once was.

When I joined the team of writers at Still Standing Magazine, I began to see a movement among our community that was painfully beautiful.  I began to see moms and dads recognize, write and paint and honor their children in so many creative ways that I never even knew existed.  I began to get to know their children and remember their children through their work.  I think it is pretty amazing that I can look at a photograph and say Christian's mom did that...I can go to and I know that Jenna Belle's mom pours into this magazine daily...I can see a pink bow and think Cora's mom is spreading awareness for CHD and then I remember Colin's mom who also works diligently with this cause, I can see a painting and know that Eve's mom or Amelia's mom took deep breaths in between the brush strokes... the list goes on and on!  It truly does!  I remember because they speak.  Sure, I know their names as well, but so much more importantly, I know their children's names.  Their children's voices are being heard and recognized!  Those voices are beautiful and important!  You can read all about those voices here and I hope you will!  Those voices have the potential to move your soul in ways other voices never will.

I challenged myself to reflect upon my own life and I admit I was afraid for years to speak...I was afraid of letting the world know that I was hurting.  I was afraid that the pain would be too great.  I was afraid to say my son died...saying it meant I could no longer deny it...saying it meant the world would look at me differently.

With a deep breath and armfuls of faith, I did it anyway.  I spoke.  I let the world know that I was Matthew's Mama!  And it was amazing!

Sure the world looked at me differently...but the world looked differently to me also.

I look at the world and I see the quiet mama sitting on the other side of the room dying to talk but afraid to speak.  I recognize her well because for so long that was my reflection in the mirror.  I can see it in her eyes and feel it in the air.  She is dying to talk but afraid to speak.  Perhaps she feels the way I did...

I was dying to talk but afraid to speak...

I was afraid to say it out loud!

I was dying to talk because I was hurting inside.

I was afraid to speak because I was hurting inside.

I heard others call his name and secretly I wanted to do that too...

I wanted to say his name but I was afraid...

I was afraid that others would think I had lost my mind as well as my baby.

I was afraid that when I said his name the echo of the silent response would be too much to bear.

I was afraid I did not have enough courage to speak.

I was dying because I could not speak.

I did not know if anyone would listen or if anyone would want to.

I did it anyway.

Slowly, I began to speak...

I whispered, I cried...

I said it, I said his name...

I screamed it!

I didn't know if anyone heard me.

So I said it again!

I felt brave for the first time in forever.

I had spoken his name...

I had spoken!

I was no longer afraid to say it...

I was no longer afraid to speak...

I was no longer afraid to say it out loud!

I will say it out loud for the rest of my life!

Will you join us in saying it out loud?
Please take a look at this film trailer ~  Return to Zero, a must see for everyone!  Together, we say it loudly, say it proudly and are breaking the silence!  


  1. Very well writen, I am mother to four angels and a rainbow son, I am passionate about helping others like me, I had nothing to acknowledge my babies and that's why I do what I do now

    1. Thank you Shelly...thank you for reading and sharing with me! I am so glad you are helping others and speaking out!!! XO!!!

  2. You are a very Courageous mama. I heard you Matthew's Mama. I will shout out loud with you. I am Seth's Mommy. Hugs.

    1. Seth's Mommy...HUGS to you!!! I hear you too! XO!

  3. Thank you for this post! My husband and I just went to a wedding last night where we saw lots of old friends who knew us "before" we lost our son. I kept bringing up my son all night, not in a overly obsessive way, but in a way that includes him as part of our family. I worried when we left that I had done the wrong thing by saying his name so much and sharing his story. My husband and I both agreed though that we cannot hide him! He is part of our family and our story. SEeing this today just validated how I felt, thank you, <3 Caleb's Mom

    1. HI Caleb's Mom! Yes ma' speak! Caleb is part of your family and your story and I am so glad you are sharing him! Thank you for reading and for sharing Caleb with me! XO!

  4. I identify with this strongly. I have been silencing myself -- both on the blog and in real life. I haven't been speaking Eve's name when I should be. But I need to be. For me, and for the ones who need to know that they're not alone in their grief. Thank you for this, for your honesty that it's been hard to say Matthew's name, and that you're finding freedom.

    Eve's mama ;) <3

    1. Eve's Mama...big hugs to you mama!!! <3

  5. ������ Sully's mama

  6. Chloë's mommy, proud to be your mommy. Missing you, my dearest babyangel