Nine Years Later...I Love Him Still and Always Will
Nine years ago our lives changed forever.
It started as one of the most beautiful and anticipated days of our lives as we were bringing our second son into the world.
It ended with his death and leaving me with permanent physical disabilities that would claim much of my health and also strip away my career as a result.
Matthew lived 25 minutes before he went to heaven. Ultimately, he lost his life saving mine. He was my very first blood donor and no one would know it before it was too late for him.
I lived miraculously. I was on life support for four days, flat lined twice, DIC, two emergency surgeries and the list goes on. By all accounts, I should not be here.
Life would never be the same. Emotional and physical pain would accompany me and change the dynamics of all that we did, what we knew, what was. Everything was different.
Doctors, hospitals, procedures, meds, physical therapy all became part of our lives permanently the day we left the hospital without our son.
Life was never the same.
Matthew died the day before my 31st birthday.
Tomorrow is my 40th birthday and also the 25th anniversary of my nephew's passing. My birthday stinks...I don't like to celebrate my birthday but I celebrate life. The life I was given...my heart hurts for the lives that were taken away.
Matthew should be here blowing out his candles and reality is he is not. I miss him and I miss him growing up and doing life with us in our home but he is in our hearts forever. This home is just temporary...and that is a good thing. One day...forever eternally is going to happen. That gives my heart so much hope.
As much as I miss Matthew, I would do it all over again to be his mama...even bearing the physical burden of pain and disabilities. Once again, this is temporary here on earth. I would do it all over again.
I know that the struggle of grief and pain is real, I am no stranger to it. But I also know that through it all, even on my worst and saddest days, I have joy in my heart and peace that surpasses all understanding. That is God given and I am grateful.
So today I can wish my son a Happy Birthday in heaven with joy in my heart and the peace that I claim daily. Sure tears in my eyes...that's a given...and probably some cookies in my hand...but full of hope in my heart I am going to get through today and tomorrow...and the rest of my life.
Turning 40 seems so overrated. Surviving the death of my son at 31 and the physical and emotional hell that I have been through gives me the ability to laugh in the face of this thing called age.
Life is a gift that everyone doesn't get to unwrap or keep...
Life is precious.
Life is never the same after losing a child.
That, that I know.
The pain of losing Matthew has taken us many places and been messy but God has taken the mess and made it beautiful.
We thought we had a lifetime to make memories with Matthew...
Love those around you today, don't wait thinking you have tomorrow or the rest of your life....
If Matthew were here today he would want us to live, to laugh and to love and that friends is just what we plan to do...
For our sweet boy, we love you, we miss you muches! I can't wait to squeeze your cheeks and hold you and never let you go...one day I am going do that! I am going to never let you go! So run around heaven all you can til' I get there because then you will be stuck in mama's arms and no one will tell me it's time to let you go again!
Happy 9th Birthday to you Matthew! Our lives are so much better because you lived!
PS...I loved you first, I love you still and I always will! Always!