Convinced I should write (in chronological order) how I would ask Jesus these questions when I got to heaven, I began to write a list one day. Wow. Did I really do that? Yes ma'am... I did. Just in case guilt hadn't eaten me up already, I was giving it dessert.
I am only a few short months from my baby boy's 7th birthday ~ 7 years without him here to hold, love, teach, nurture, and of course I could go on and on and on... I have met so many mamas and families that are new to this 'journey' and I can truly say that my heart breaks for each one for I know the days, weeks, months and years that lie ahead for them... I know I am living them too.
7 years is a long time... but if I close my eyes (and I do this often) I can still feel my baby boy's sweet hand in mine, I can still smell the flowers surrounding me at a place I never wanted to be. I still feel the sting of death, the immense feeling and heartache that comes with the loss of a child. As much as I want to not feel the pain anymore, I don't ever want to forget it (I know many of you 'get this')... the pain, that is part of Matthew's life and journey here with us. Pain. Pain that I will die with. Pain that you don't outgrow or get over. Pain that you just live with and "around." Pain that reminds you of what's missing here on earth. Pain that drives you to your passion. Pain that presses you to your heavenly goal.
I struggle. I cry. I throw fits. I buy stuff that won't fill my void. I get mad. I cry some more... and sometimes these things happen on good days! Can you imagine the bad ones?
RAW TRUTH- that's what this post is today- it's RAW.
I'm sad. Today, I am sad. I am sad because I only kissed 2 boys goodnight at bedtime, I am sad because I only had to buy 2 Gatorades after ball practice and I am sad because I can't see my baby... not here... but if I close my eyes... (sniff, sniff...)
I am sad because my friends have broken hurting hearts like mine and I want to fix it for them and I can't.
How many of you are thinking I am crazy yet? No, I am not crazy, I am a mama who has buried her son... I think a lot of us act or feel like this, some suffering silently, I am just not so silent, anymore.
Yes, I wrote a book sharing our testimony, our miracles and messes, yes I have JOY, yes I have HOPE, loads and loads of HOPE, yes I have FAITH, and yes I have Jesus in my heart! (just in case you were wondering after reading the above!) ;)
Sometimes in reflection, as I have spoken about in previous posts, I think about walking away from this all...(of course, I am not walking away) but tonight, reflection is on "What ifs..."
And my new "what if" list consisted of "What if I didn't share our testimony of hope and faith and healing in Facets of Life? "What if" I couldn't encourage a sweet mother whose heart is shattered because she, too, has buried her child? "What if" I didn't have the courage to stand up and say I hurt, do you? "What if" this is what Matthew died for? A huge sigh and a tear...
My new "what ifs" bring me very, very humbly to the sweet feet of Jesus where I will be eternally grateful to him for how he is using my sweet baby boy's life and death to show love and compassion, hope and grace to other human beings that hurt and that do not have the hope that we have in Him! We have to be willing to give it all... ALL to Jesus.
July 2, 2005, ALL of me was gone. But as you (will or have) read in our story, some years later it would be that I 'surrendered ALL' and that is where the healing and joy re-enter my life, my heart and our home.
The words etched on Matthew's tombstone are from 1 Sam. 1:27-28 "I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I have asked of him, so now I give him back to the Lord."
Thank you sweet Jesus for Matthew, for my loving family, for all of my friends, for life, for joy and peace, laughter and love, for the beautiful and precious new friends that are sharing their hearts and lives with me on this journey called "Facets of Life."
With much love and hope abundantly,
LCW
I have several mental lists of "what ifs" and many in my journal.
ReplyDeletewhy do those hurt so badly...what if I'd insisted that the midwife get here sooner....we'd have detected slowing heart rates...what if I hadn't vacuumed or bent over or .......
I just wanna sit here and cry for us, for our angel boys. <3
since finding your blog and book, I've even imagined that Matthew found Jack when he showed up that last Thursday in June, 2011 and is showing him around. that may be childish but it's amazing how those kinds of thoughts help me to cope.
Happy Thursday to you!
Girl, I can sit and cry for us for hours! I DO! I just got finished crying on my husband's shoulder while talking with him... It's good to cry, therapy... I held it in way too long!
DeleteOh, that is such a precious thought! I can certainly see Matthew finding Jack and showing him around! And I believe it is good to feel and think on those things. There's so much hope in that! I think that every mama I meet, Matthew has gone and told their child we met! :) Just a way for me to cope too! However we can cope having hope in our Savior is absolutely the best way to do it! Happy Thursday to you sweet friend! xoxo!