I am fine... I am good, thank you.
Words that I have said one million times to too many people...
If you have been following my blog or read my book you will know that I am not just on an emotional journey, but also on a physical journey from the loss of our son. Earlier I blogged about finding his death certificate and lullaby's. It's been a tough day.
But a day that has ended and a night that I cannot sleep so I will share what is on my heart with you~
There is an art to being a cover girl... one that I think I have perfected. I can look good (healthy) for the camera or an appearance ~ yet under the art of being a cover girl lies within me the agony of it all... the agony of the pain that my body endures in a day... the neuropathy at night, like now, feels like I am on fire... literally. Sleep, there is no sleep for this cover girl when the pain radiates through my legs like hot coals. Somehow in the quietness of the night, this is where I seek peace in my mind & in my heart because the pain takes over. I want rest... and sleep... and as the seconds tick by and the pain is persisting, minute by minute I am reminded I just went in to have a baby... and then the emotional pain comes in...
Silently screaming... silently suffering...
I talk to God a lot... mostly at night, like now... and sometimes I just say "Dear God..." and cannot finish the sentence... like now. Believe me, He can fill in the blanks.
But in the morning, when the lights are on and the sun is up, I will get up and paint the picture most people want to see... the one who looks like she is fine... the cover girl. The one I really want to see too... But that's not me... not anymore.
In the book, I speak of this candidly how I used to hide behind mascara and lip gloss... no one knew I was sick... but I shared the pain in the book and I really was at peace with that... I still am.
But what I am having a hard time adjusting to is the prolonged nights of pain that are over time wearing me out... I hardly sleep... my body is so sensitive to spasms and leg cramps so rest is not really welcome thanks to those annoying little things! It's a new level of pain... new level of discomfort... a new art that I have to perfect, agony.
So I started thinking of how I became the 'cover girl' and how I hid the agony of the pain... and I am just not doing it anymore. I unveiled it in the book and just because things are progressing with my injuries, doesn't mean I have to put on another show. I am not. I don't have the energy to do so, nor the desire to. All I desire is to help someone overcome something out of all this mess.
I can tell you one thing- I am so very, very grateful my children are not hurting and that I am not spending my time praying God will take the pain away from them like so many mothers are doing. God please heal those children and help those parents.
I am not sure why I am on this medical journey... I am really not sure. I feel very confident of my mission as Matthew's mama... but am searching for the mission of being a medical mess along with it. I do know it has made me much more responsive and sensitive to those who are physically challenged,disabled or suffering in pain. I guess I am searching for purpose of the pain...
My doctor probably summed it up the best the other day when he said he could see the hunger within me.
I have such fight within me to overcome the physical obstacles that I face daily and I know I will persevere through it all... And I know at the end of the day or middle of the night (like now) God is with me... and He hears my prayers, even when I don't have the strength to speak them. (like now)
You know if the dreamer only saw what he held in his hands, he would never need to close his eyes and would no longer be called a dreamer.
I want to dream tonight... I want to dream about God's canvas for my life and the art He is making out of the agony of my pain... I know it will be beautiful.