Friday, May 4, 2012


Today, I was on my way to get Nate from school and tears began to stream down my face when I crossed over a bridge...  and grief, as it does out of the clear blue, for no particular reason, was my companion as I finished the last few miles.  (I know many of you know what I mean!)

I used to try and not give in to the grief, but I have learned to embrace those moments... those tears are for my son... those tears are what I have left... and I have accepted when those moments come, that I need to just let it happen.  Let grief breathe over me and let the tears clear my hazy vision.  For in those tears and pain, comes inspiration and passion...

Today, I wondered HOW in the world have I lived almost 7 years without my son?  How???

As I cried, I knew the answer... the only answer.


Tears, pain, heartache, grief, scars, burying our son, losing hope and finding it over and over again serve as permanent markers and reminders of our lives over the last 7 years.

That pain, led me to places I didn't want to go sometimes... and back to places that hurt me really bad.

But when I was ready, that pain led me to share Matthew with the world by taking my friend's advice and doing Random Acts of Kindness in Matthew's honor.

Then I wrote my book, Facets of Life, in memory of the most precious baby boy in the world... with cheeks that I would do anything to be able to kiss right now.

And  as I journeyed on, I became a speaker and an advocate for hurting families...

Then I began this blog...

and that journey led me to Still Standing Magazine...

I have survived almost 7 years without my son... it hasn't been easy... it's been the hardest thing I have ever done, to persevere, to face my fears, to find my faith again... but sweet friends, there is something so beautiful in my heart when I know that as I journey every day with you all, I am remembering my sweet Matthew and reaching out to hurting families that are on this journey too.

Almost 7  years, and  my tears still flow as if it were yesterday.

But my heart knows that it has been a very long 7 years since I have kissed those precious cheeks hello and goodbye.

If you are on this journey too, I encourage you to take your pain and allow it to funnel a passion within you...  find a way to honor, remember and cherish the life that lives on within your heart, always.

Where there is pain, there is a passion... where there is passion, there is purpose.  Where there is purpose, there is a need...  someone needs you today to have the courage to step out and share your heart, your story, your pain.  And in that, healing begins...

Had I not allowed myself to be vulnerable to share my pain and my heart, my journey above, would have been quite different.  And perhaps I wouldn't be here with you now.

As Matthew's mama, I  know I am right  where I need to be... Still Standing...

In just a few minutes, Still Standing will launch and the journey will continue...  What an amazing moment!

God bless all of you...


  1. and God bless you too.
    I so know what you mean...I just did the same thing as I drove down the same road that I drove with Jack firmly, safely tucked away in my womb just last May...and I cried because my babies don't die. And I can't believe he did.

    but he's more alive than I will ever be.

    how are we supposed to make sense of all of this? why does it always have to come up in the least expected moments, rearing it's "ugly" head, reminding us of what we've lost?

    as you always say to me, which I love,
    one day closer.
    hugs to you, dear.

  2. well, more alive than I've been till I meet him.
    I just re-read that and I'm wrong...I'm alive in Christ.

    thanks for your post.