I am totally unsure of how I 'feel...'
You see, 7 years ago was my 'last first day of kindergarten too.'
I was supposed to be driving Nathan to his first day of kindergarten with a brand new baby in tow... As you know, there was a beautiful baby, but the only car ride I ever went on with him was to the cemetery. But in all of my accounts, my plans... I was to have Matthew here with me to take care of and tend to as Nathan went off to his first day of school. I had nothing in the back seat after bringing Nathan to school. Nothing.
Tears... oh my mercy, yes I had tears! I was completely stressed out to leave my only son I had here on earth in a place that I could not be. I even thought of homeschooling... for a brief moment, anyway. But I knew it was best for Nathan to have friends, and field trips and cafeteria lunches...(well... maybe not best for cafeteria lunches, but you know what I mean.)
Taking the first step in letting his hand go that day was extremely difficult. I had just lost Matthew and I didn't want to 'trust' anyone with my surviving child. Thank God for his wonderful teacher... Mrs. Perniciaro! I knew she would love him for me and she did just that!
I was so sick in those days of kindergarten for Nathan. I remember all of my hair was almost gone and I had to get a wig. When I would visit the school, the kids would notice and ask me about my hair. In the midst of all my health issues... hair was just hair! I could have cared less about hair on my head, hair on a wig, or anything like that. BUT I needed hair so that Nathan would not see the evidence of just how sick I was. (My sweet friend, JoAn Nicely at Pink Heart Funds donated my first wig to me... if you have not visited her site, please do! PHF is an incredible non-profit organization! A lot of people don't realize I was once in need of hair and it was graciously given to me- I donated the wig back to her when my hair grew back and I was no longer wearing it) - However, I did purchase a long hair wig that I kept and bring her out from time to time! :)
My body was so sick and weak. I was sick and weak. I missed so much of Nathan's life in those days due to my injuries and the sickness in my body. My sister would attend field trips. I don't hesitate to say I was envious that she was able to be with him... but at the same time I was so grateful she was there for him. It was tough.
Somehow, we survived 'my last first day of kindergarten...'
P.S.- I had a hysterectomy so I couldn't have any more children. This was the only kindergarten I would get! It would be my first and my last. So I thought!
BUT... who knew that my last first day of kindergarten would come again? God knew!!! And He has given me a REDO with Will! I am so happy and grateful that it will be ME taking field trips with him this year! I don't have to stay in the bed because I am so sick! I don't have to have a 'substitute' for me! I can be me! I can be Will's mama!
Lynette was talking to me earlier about how emotional she got sharing how much better I am doing as Will is starting school than when Nathan did. She was sharing my testimony with Arbonne and that she used to have to do field trips, etc and that this year as Will is starting, she won't have too! What an emotional moment for me as I understand where I was 7 years ago... thinking it was my last first day of kindergarten and that I would never get to experience the things I missed with Nathan in those early days... well, woo hoo on the kazoo, because Mama has another 'last first day of kindergarten' and I couldn't be happier for that GIFT or the incredible blessing of being Will's mama!
So, now... I still don't know how I 'feel' about all of this... because I 'feel' so grateful, happy, full of joy, and at the same time my heart hurts because my baby is growing up... but I also know how much growing up is so important and that every day he is here with us to grow up is a blessing! I know I will never get a redo with Nathan in kindergarten, but God sure made a great Nay Nay to take my place during that time... and I will never get to take Matthew to school... but I am taking great delight and having an extra serving of gratefulness as the tears will be different on this 'first last day of kindergarten!'
Tomorrow starts our new adventure! 7th grade and kindergarten! Whew! Am I ready? I don't know... but it is here! And I certainly am thankful that I get this gift again!
I am signing off a little emotional about looking back on what I thought was to be my last first day of kindergarten and now I am sending Nate off to 7th grade... what a difference these years have made!
|They are SO worth it!|
I think I am all smiles and then a tear or two falls... but I get to do it again! :) I get another last first day of kindergarten! And that dear friends is a miracle, Will is our miracle... and tomorrow my last first day of kindergarten is no less than a blessing from above! God is such a restoring God! All the way around!
Here is to a new season and a new last first day of kindergarten! Gonna smile on that one! :)