Monday, January 14, 2013

seeking the good...

It's been a while since I have been on the computer to write... not because I haven't had anything to say, but perhaps because I have had to filter it out! 

The last couple of weeks have been hard to say the least for many of our friends and family.  I mean there have been some really bad days!  Know what I mean, some really tough days!

Both mentally and physically, these weeks have challenged me.  I had two options, stop or keep going.  These weeks have given me an ultimatum for how this too would pass.  They have challenged me to push harder, to meditate on the promises that God has given to us over and over and to just not quit!

I am fully aware that quitting would be a whole lot easier than persevering!  That I know to be true!  But quitting wouldn't lead me to where I need to go.  And I must get to where I am going!

I have relived Matthew's death, his funeral services over and over in my head and heart so much lately.  I recall the moment my husband drove me to the cemetery (and I was so sick in that moment, physically) to look at the little piece of ground reserved for Matthew.... WHY, WHY, WHY was I there?  Well, I had to approve of the place that my son's body would be laid to rest!  That is so surreal to me... all of it is... still!

I don't remember the drive there, I don't remember RW ever asking me about it, I don't remember anything but walking to that place and saying yes.  Yes this would be an okay spot! 
BUT what I say now is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  I can honestly say I have not the slightest idea of what I was doing, what I was thinking or what was happening to me or what had even happened to my baby.  How did I get there?

I wasn't present enough physically or emotionally to understand my baby was gone.  I just have flashes of the moments that take my breath away.  That is one of them.

How do you pick a place for your baby?  How do  you find the perfect place?  The perfect place would have been in my arms and in our home... not out there.

"There is no longer walk than to walk the path a mother has to take to bury her child. And no path more frequently visited, whether on foot or in her heart or mind, the path always lies deep within her soul." LCW ~ "Facets of Life ~ What I Didn't Expect When I was Expecting"

I get so sick when I know that mommies and daddies every day are having to take that walk... and it makes me so sad... I know what comes next and that makes me even sadder. 

One of my friends went to the cemetery with me around Christmas time and we were talking...she is going through some touch challenges as well and I stopped what I was doing (weeding the gravesite) and I looked at her and said, "Rest assured that what you are going through today will be different next year... your circumstances will change and next year at this time, your life will  be different.  You will be in a new place in life... BUT I will still be HERE!  I will still be at the cemetery doing exactly what we are doing today." 

That's what happens when you lose a child... it never changes.  And year after year, life goes on, new things come and go, changes are in place all around us as we still stand in the same place, the place that holds what we cannot.  With great hope I embrace the change for good in my friends and families lives... and I embrace the change that will lead to better days.  And with great understanding I know one thing that will never change in my life.  And that is loss.  And next year you will find me at the very same place I was this I will be the rest of my life.

When so much in the world is going bad, sometimes you just long for some good... even if it just a little tiny piece of good.  Good for your neighbors, good for your friends and family... and good for you. 

So I seek the good.  Today, I seek the good.

Today, I can say I haven't given up... and that is good.
Today, I have a roof over my head... and that is good.
Today, I have family and that is really, really good!
Today, I have a greater appreciation for life than I ever have, and that is good.
Today, is one day closer to seeing Matthew, and that is GREAT!

I hope you will seek the good today!

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