Breath of Life

After delivering Matthew, I was taken into emergency surgery to repair my uterus.  Within minutes of the repair it was obvious that the repair didn't hold. I went into *DIC and flat lined twice in the operating room, a second surgery was performed resulting in a hysterectomy to save my life.  It is truly a miracle that I survived the trauma of my uterine rupture and the complications that followed.

I was really distressed and prayed and prayed that God would give me some peace and show me something.   I don't remember a white light or angels, but I believe with all of my heart that I had a few precious moments with Matthew before I came back.  On one of my most heart wrenching nights the following words flowed from my heart, I knew this was God's way of answering my prayer through words like He so often did.  

As I penned these words, I shed buckets of tears feeling every ounce of pain that my son must of felt as he left the earth.  I remember a few months after Matthew passed away, I gathered enough courage to ask my doctor if Matthew suffered as he died.  His response was he felt like you did.  That broke my heart because the pain I felt as the blood was leaving my body was immense and it rips me open to imagine my baby feeling that as the blood was leaving his precious little veins and body.  

Although I shared this experience in my book Facets of Life; What I Didn't Expect When I was expecting, I felt compelled to share with my blogger friends today... 

Breath of Life

Breath of life leaving your body, blood escaping every vein

Leaving you lifeless, lying in pain.

I was screaming at all, why isn't he crying

No one would answer, no one replying.

Instead I hear moans in the room with me,

As life surely came, with death you would leave.

Inside I was screaming, wouldn't you hear?

Was I really dying, were these my last tears?

The tears turned to blood, I was dripping wet.

I was going far away, but I will never forget.

Forget the last moment before I went,

The moment you came, the moment you left.

In my mind I see you gasping for breath,

And I am trying to help you but you enter your death.

I cannot reach you, I am trying so much

You needed me, you needed my touch.

I am close behind you as I too am in pain

For you leaving me it took my breath away.

I quit breathing and gave up on living,

As my body was weak and the blood it was leaving.

The blood it covered me, running out of every pore,

Leaving my body dead at the core.

No one would hear me, I couldn't speak

But I was screaming inside as those around me did weep.

Why can't you hear me, what happened to me?

Why did my baby die?  I no longer see.

What happened now, where did you all go?

Why can't I feel you, are you letting me go?

Don't go...don't go...stay with me please

I am scared and afraid, where are they taking me?

The blood is flowing all over the place,

Like sweat on my brow, it drenches my face.

God can you hear me?  No one else can

Do you have my baby?  Are you holding my hand?

Please give him back for me to keep

Please Dear God, take this cup from me.

I don't want to leave You or him right away

Please let me rest and let me stay.

My breath is gone, also my blood

My lifeline has stopped, has Thy will been done?

You are sending me back but I don't want to go

Please Jesus, please Jesus...okay, I will go.

My work is not yet through on the earth I see

And restoration I know You have promised to me.

I will go and do Your work as YOU will

For I know You are in heaven, holding me still.

Holding my son, waiting on me

Until I am called home for eternity...

* (Disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC) is a rare, life-threatening condition that prevents a person's blood from clotting normally. It may cause excessive clotting (thrombosis) or bleeding (hemorrhage) throughout the body and lead to shock, organ failure, and death.)