Today as I examined my pattern, I had a breakthrough in what and why I am doing this.
With summer in full force here, I am busy taking care of Nathan and Will, very busy...but somehow there is this time that I am carving out to visit here often. I don't have any extra time but I find myself making time more than I ever have before.
I find myself growing anxious if I have a thought and cannot carry it out at that moment. Almost like when I am spending time with one of my boys and the other one calls for me. Yes, I feel like that.
This time that I am creating in the spaces of my day is Matthew's time. The only way I know how to be his mama is by writing about him and sharing him with others. This time is not just important to me right now, it is necessary. I know that.
I am very protective of this time right now as his 8th birthday is on the horizon which is probably what I subconsciously am fretting over the most in my head and heart right now.
I should be busy planning his party.
But instead I am writing here about him and about the party that will never happen.
That's why I am here, a lot.
I will remain here a lot, for that is what I need to do right now. I am fulfilled by being here.
I am fulfilled in life by being a mom to three boys...three.
I am full circle today with this epiphany, if you want to call it that. I am so happy that I made the connection today. Instead of being so frustrated that I cannot complete a draft, I will embrace the one liners and recognize I am simply being his mom!