There are some moments as a grieving parent that it is incredibly hard to step 'back into society' because once you bury your child, perspective on absolutely everything changes. And reality is, in society, we are listening to people complain about their day and in our heads and hearts we are screaming silently "at least you have your children... all of them!" Okay, at least I can say that I have had this experience a time or two or twenty five! And to be honest will probably feel like this for the rest of my life in brief moments when I am overwhelmed. And truth for me is that I don't mean these things, I just don't see things with what I call "I have never buried my child glasses on" anymore. Know what I mean?
This happened to me; one day a lady (in the grocery line- I did not know her) was complaining to me as she showed me her broken nail... I lowered my head and looked at my nails, dirt was clearly visible under my own nails where I had been weeding Matthew's grave. I really wanted to say 'REALLY LADY? LOOK AT THESE NAILS... THIS IS THE DIRT THAT IS ON TOP OF MY BABY'S GRAVE! NOW TELL ME AGAIN ABOUT THAT BROKEN NAIL!' but I DIDN'T tell her that at all. Thank you God for giving me moments of grace! But, I have had a time or maybe three hundred times that I have not offered so much grace after a comment I couldn't handle. Thank you God for forgiveness.
For the record: I really can't stand to have a broken nail either.
The following words are just an illustration... maybe some of you have felt these things, I know I have. Some of you are reading this with the same "glasses" I am wearing... and you will totally get it!
So you are having a bad day? I'm so sorry you had a flat tire that made you late for work. I, too, had a flat tire on my way to the cemetery, and work, maybe one day I can be strong enough to go back. Oh my, and you broke a nail while getting the jack out of the trunk. Ironically, I broke a nail as well trying to dig up unwanted weeds that were surrounding my child's tombstone. I understand, being late for work meant you had to stay late, so no time to cook or clean. I stayed a long while at the cemetery and when I got home, I was so exhausted from crying I couldn't cook or clean either. And, wow, you have to fit baseball, basketball and cheer practices in your schedule today too? I am sorry you say the gnats are so bad this season. I would do anything to be going to ball practice swatting gnats today... anything. I understand, all of this running means you don't have any "me time." I will have "me time" and it will consist of spreading photographs all over the floor while my fingers trace my child's face and I close my eyes to remember that moment. Oh, you have tons of laundry to do still when you get home? I am minus one in my family, but what I wouldn't give to have those dirty socks to wash. I am so sorry you will have to spend the remaining energy you have yelling at your kids to go to bed tonight since you are in such a state of exhaustion and so tired... I too, am in a state of exhaustion and so tired but tonight I will grab my child's teddy bear and hug it until it is soaking wet with my tears sending all of my bedtime kisses to heaven.
I'm sorry you had a bad day... I hope tomorrow is better.
©2011-2013 All rights reserved http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/