So, yesterday was BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
And last night was UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!
Today will be AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHmazing because I have no desire to have another blah and ugh day again today!
I am going for another dr appointment this afternoon... FUN!- trying really hard people! ;) Work with me here~! (back on the road to New Orleans) But today the sun is out and not cloudy and rainy like it was last week. :)
Yesterday, I had a long talk with God... I had a moment where I found my trusting in Him was not working for me. Ever had that? Well, I have... and will as I continue to walk this journey because I am human and disappointment and fears get to me sometimes, especially when associated with the extreme pain of my injuries.
I am reminded that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. - I repeated that verse before surgery(ies) over and over and while laying on the operating table(s)... sometimes we just need to take a simple verse and do that until we believe it deep down.
And for me, I have to do that often. I believe EVERY word of the Bible and EVERY promise God has given to me... but I also know that my flesh is weak and when I hurt physically and emotionally, I have to go back, back to the simplicity of the very word of God.
I had to persevere through the day yesterday, pain was surrounding the joints in my knees, as my injuries are coming to a new level... and I have struggled the past few days but yesterday had to accept the reality of the issues at hand. I didn't want to, and God heard about that yesterday, so did my husband... But reality is, I feel so broken in my body, the pain, every step I take literally hurts. So bad that I didn't want to walk by the end of the day... BUT I DID. And I even exercised on my bike, lifting weights and ending with push-ups enduring the pain but knowing to get stronger and to keep walking, this is what I must do. I cannot give up on my body because it hurts, I cannot quit fighting when my strength is gone, If I stop, my injuries will take over and win this battle.
I am NOT willing to let that happen.
Last night as I laid in bed, the neuropathy was so intense, new pain to joints was letting me know it was there and I just thought "Dear God... I just went in to have a baby." And that is the part that I know I may repeat a lot, but the just of it all is that is simply the truth. I left without him, and almost 7 years later my body is broken and my heart is painfully reminded of loss, loss of Matthew and loss of my health.
With every step I take, enduring the pain, and sometimes just screaming because it hurts so badly, I am so GRATEFUL to be alive and that God saved me and gave me the grace that I needed to live, the willingness to fight through it all to find the passion in my heart again, the ability to survive.
I will be leaving shortly for my dr appointment, and as I am SITTING here the pain is so intense in my legs and knees, so until God chooses to heal my pain, I will bear it and with each step I take I will understand this is the cup that God has allowed me to have, yet I know Matthew's life was not in vain, my injuries are not in vain, and if one person's soul is touched through Matthew's life and my testimony, it is worth it.
God cares so much for each of you... and he will go to great lengths using the very trials of someone else to lift you up, to encourage you, to sustain you.
And if you are the one God is using through your trials, He will provide you with the strength, He has chosen you to be His vessel, His arms, His legs, and you are so very precious to Him. Hang on to that!
God made me Matthew's mama, and I will be that mama to the best of my ability to honor and remember Matthew and to give God the glory for giving me this gift and the privilege of living.
Will I have another day like yesterday, um, yes, probably so. But will I become stronger as I get through it, um, yes, definitely so!
Have a HAPPY day today! TRUST God even if you feel disappointment in your heart... God hasn't disappointed you.... He hasn't disappointed me... He has protected me and you from what we think we want and He has supplied us with what we really need! He is awesome like that! xoxo!