Wednesday, March 28, 2012

July 6, 2011 ~ journal entry

You may want to read  and this if you haven't already~   before you read this...

I wrote these words in my journal when my mom was in the hospital  during one of the nights I spent there with her...

July 6, 2011

The lullabies, the tiny cries, within the walls I am in.  Each time the melody is played over the intercom, my heart  shatters in memory of the lullaby I never heard the moment you came into our lives.  The sound pierces my heart with each note played… it is truly torment in my soul that lingers long after the song ends.  The distinct emptiness that I feel with empty arms is carried over leaving me, once again,  full of the anxiety of the next time the tune will be played announcing the arrival of the next baby brought into the world giving joy and  happiness to the arms waiting to hold the precious gift of life…

What brings me back to this place, this day , this time… the time of such heartache and memories for me. I am within the walls that witnessed your first breath and your last. The smell of  the soaps, the sounds of the monitors, the doors opening and closing… so very surreal, as I sit here and witness the reality of where I was and where you were 6 years ago…

Your cradle cannot rock without you in it… Your mama cannot sing without you here.

The hallways I am walking are hallways we grieved in, your daddy sat in and cried. It’s as if I listen closely I can hear the teardrops hitting the floor… the sound of death where life should have been present.

I am afraid to turn the corner here, yet I cannot help but walk forward anticipating the next steps, the caution with every step comes with a price, a fear, a fear I cannot control, yet a fear I am facing head on. 
What lies beyond these walls for me? What comes with this? What am I to see, to feel, to learn, to walk away with?  This experience is happening for a reason and I am searching for the answer, for I know it lies within these walls… 


  1. This entry breaks my heart to pieces for you sweet momma! Its amazing how somethings people dont think twice about... reach deep within others! Love to you and thank you for not allowing the fear inside those walls to cause you to give up! What strength!

  2. I don't have any words in response to this post. No intelligible words. I haven't been back to the hospital Sully was in. He didn't even really die there, just pronounced there. Unimaginable strength and grace to sit there, walk there, listen to the sounds there. Prayers for you Matthew's mama

  3. I understand completely and although my little one didn't pass at that hospital, he was there in the NICU for 3 months. Well, I am pregnant again and my doctor, who's amazing, works out of the same hospital. Going back for the first time was so very hard... It's funny, the smell of the soap is something I just wrote about in one of my last blog posts. Thank you for writing and sharing.