Thursday, March 1, 2012

Why should I be discouraged?

As  I was walking away from my computer, Selah came on Pandora singing "His Eye is on the Sparrow..."

"Why should I be discouraged?" are the first words of the lyrics... HELLO??? Why should I be discouraged?

Well, as these lyrics were coming through the wonderful little invention of technology, my fingers were just rumbling through some things and I came across a "thank you note" (never sent) for a baby shower gift  for Matthew... (big mama tears)

Where had this been?  Why was I finding it now?  And then I hear WHY SHOULD I BE DISCOURAGED?

Really?  Why should I be discouraged?  Because my baby is gone, I am physically a mess, I am hurting inside and out... and the wind is blowing so hard outside, it begins my mind imagining our precious "space" at the cemetery where Matthew's body was laid to rest... I bet it is messing it all up... the flowers, the angels, the perfect way my boys laid the cars out in the shape of a heart.  I want to immediately go there and fix it... but the wind isn't through blowing... yet.

My heart, though healed, hurts...  and it hurts for you too that are on this journey.

I was prepared to get really busy with the rest of my day ( I was actually getting the book packaged for our winner from the giveaway at Small Bird Studio when I stumbled across it)... and in my hands I was now holding the precious card that I picked out just to thank the beautiful people who had given gifts to me for Matthew's baby shower.  I loved the blue butterfly as the little bear looked up at it...  and I knew then, these were the perfect cards to express my heartfelt gratitude.

Little did I know  when I purchased these cards that I would one day write about my sweet baby's death and use a butterfly at the end of each chapter to remember his life and his resurrection.  Butterflies, they are amazing!  God really outdid himself on them!  How many of you mama's out there smile or cry when you see a butterfly?  ME!!!

I had forgotten all about theses cards, what they looked like, the little blue butterfly...the cute little bear looking up toward the heavens at the butterfly...
(my readers know I slept with a little bear for 14 months after Matthew passed away)  The symbolism of the butterfly and the bear on this card  overwhelm my heart today... because it has been almost 7 years since I have seen this card.   I just remember saving one...

But rest assured, God had not forgotten...  HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW, AND I KNOW HE IS WATCHING ME!


I could write another book on why I should be discouraged, but then would have to top it off with an even bigger book that says I sing because I'm happy...  I sing because I'm free!  His eye is on the sparrow... but I know he's watching me!

In closing this post, I will share a family project (thx Pinterest) that we did just a short time ago... Of course, our feet represent the butterflies and I just added one of our fave sayings at our house... after we finished the project, I hung it up, only to take it down a few minutes later... it wasn't complete... not yet.

So I took Matthew's foot mold and carefully wrapped it in saran wrap and painted each toe and gently pressed it into the canvas to make our little caterpillar!  It was now complete! :)  (see bottom right hand corner) :)

"How does one become a butterfly?  You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar..."

Nathan looked at the picture and said "Mom, we are a family with big feet!" I said, "No Nate, we are a family with big butterflies!"  He laughed! :)))

Love & Hugs...


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