Today is March 2nd and without even looking at the calendar, I am now beginning the "big countdown" until July 2nd... happens every year, at this time... no matter what. I can try not to think about it... but it's in my heart, so deep within my heart and my heart literally aches as these months come down to the day... the day that forever and completely changed my life, my world, my heart and our family.
July 2, 2012, we should be celebrating Matthew's 7th birthday! WOW... 7 years! I cannot believe he would have been 7! 7 years without my boy. 7 years wondering just what if... what would he be like? what would he be doing right now? Would he need 10 coats of sunscreen at the beach like his brothers and Dad or coconut oil like his mama?
And I close my eyes... and I imagine what he is doing in heaven, and I smile and a tear falls down my cheek. Couldn't I have had one birthday with him to see him blow the candles out? One little look into his beautiful eyes? Couldn't I? Oh I wish I could have...
As God lifts me up, and my family is by my side, I will persevere these next 4 months, knowing with a gnawing pit of my stomach what is coming. These feelings of great emotion that you cannot control as the days go by and the day draws nearer.
Time can pass friends, and it does... but within my heart it stands still ~ and my love grows for Matthew everyday just as it does with my other boys! There is no difference!
That's why I stand upon what I wrote in my book about time not making it better- Time makes you miss them more... Because it is one day, one month, one year longer that you are away from them. God gives us the innate ability to cope daily, but time doesn't do anything but keep running the big world around you... while time within, stands still.
For our children, we all want the best... and what could be better than heaven? He won! Matthew won the prize... my arms were runner up.
I know you all have anniversaries / angelversaries that you will have to face... I wish you didn't. I wish you had birthday parties to plan... and bubbles to blow.
I wish I did too.
Love to all,