Totally exhausted today! It has been a long week and this morning I got up and went to the golf course with RW (my husband) and my brother & his wife. We were having a "double date" on the course! It was so cold here! And windy! Sure was looking forward to the sunny day driving the golf cart, not to mention hopefully a little bit of a suntan! But... oh no!
RW & I will be celebrating 13 years of marriage on Tuesday~ love this man! I had some reflective time today as he was doing 'his thing' on the course, and I started thinking about the weight he has carried on his shoulders over the years. Losing our baby, his business and having a nearly invalid wife for quite some time after losing Matthew. His role as my husband had to transition to my caretaker. (keep in mind I was 31, he was 33 at the time)
The emotional and physical stress that losing a child causes to someone is so huge. Life changing all across the board. As I was looking at RW, I noticed the fine lines around his beautiful blue eyes, and I know so many sleepless nights have added to them, and I wondered just how many buckets his tears would have filled up pleading with God to change the outcome of the situation while I was on life support... And Matthew was at the funeral home. Life changing... life changing.
The death of a child can wreak havoc on a marriage... Not sure of the statistics of divorce rate after the death of a child, but a few years back they weren't so good! Being honest with you all, it is hard. Mothers and fathers grieve differently and you are never the same husband or wife you were before the tragedy of losing a child. It is insane to sit and think about the things that go through your head and heart after tragedy strikes and as you begin the road to recovery... a man tends to handle it one way, and women another. You know that Men are from Mars and Women are from Jupiter, right? ;) (or is it the other way around?)
Seriously, think about the grief, the anger, the hurt, the guilt of I should have protected my child... etc... we carry that with us as we are journeying on... and like it or not... it changes us.
From my perspective & my experience, once you understand you are different, and are able to embrace who you are rather than having the feeling of extreme guilt of not being who you were, love can be so much better. Because just as death can push you apart, it can also be a grounding device to rebuild the love on a foundation that God has to steady daily... and that my friends is a beautiful way to build new dreams together and fall in love all over again. Loving more passionately and embracing moments that you know you may never have again.
Life is short. Loss is a challenge. Change is inevitable. Love is unconditional.
I am blessed. Love to all... LCW