Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Fly to Jesus...

My heart is so heavy tonight...2 days ago, my precious friend faced the 1st anniversary of the passing of her son and today, my sweet friend, is facing the 1st anniversary of the passing of her son.

My heart hurts so badly for my friends...  Are you approaching an anniversary of the passing of your precious child or loved one?  Are you a friend of someone who is experiencing this pain?

I remember so vividly the days approaching Matthew's 1st anniversary in heaven... and oh how I thought I was going to die... and sometimes I wanted to die.  I felt like I was being suffocated, literally suffocated.  Breathing was all of a sudden an option... really.  The immense pain I felt as Matthew's mama was so horrible.  Flashbacks of the day... the time, the moment of death!  The screaming, the pain, the horrific images tainted with the smell of the hospital room... this is what happens as we repeat the date, year after year.  I have done this 6 times, and yes I still get like that... You can't erase the heartache of losing a child... no matter how much time goes by or how many years pass...

I know there are so many out there reading this who know exactly what I mean... I am so sorry sweet friends... so sorry.  I wish life didn't happen like this... But for too many of us, it has...

It was God's strength and grace that got us through years 1- 6, and in just a few short weeks, we will be looking at 7 years without our baby boy.

I had no idea how or what would happen on the 1st anniversary because a cemetery is the very last place I thought I would ever be on Matthew's birthday... but now it is the only place I KNOW I will be on his birthday.  I had expected to be watching him dig into a chocolate cake while I frantically took photos of his "first" of everything... That didn't happen.

So, for Matthew's 1st birthday and the 1st anniversary of his passing, we had all of our family come to the cemetery where we prayed together and stood together loving each other through the pain.

Me, Ronnie and Nathan held hands and balloons that were tied together and  as we played the song "Come to Jesus," we held onto one another and the balloons... and when the song said "fly to Jesus..." we let the balloons fly to Jesus and to Matthew.  I thought I would be "okay" but my heart BROKE!  Absolutely BROKE!  I hurt so bad as I released those balloons that I literally thought my heart was ripping out of my chest... I wanted to go to Jesus and to my baby...  Oh the pain and the agony of releasing those balloons was not what I expected to feel... but then somehow, when I couldn't see the balloons anymore, there was peace... great big tears but peace...

Tears engulf my face for my precious friend as I write this... Madella, you have been on such an incredible journey of loss with me in my own life, you embraced "Facets of Life," from cover to cover... you cried with me many late nights while I was writing the book. You were always there with a hug or encouragement at any given time...  You were a God send to me and to "Facets of Life..."  I hope and pray that I can be that kind of friend for you... and that through this facet of your life, you will be enveloped in God's grace and care with every step you take.  You and your family are so very loved, supported and cherished.

Today, as balloons are released in memory of one very special boy, Christian Blue, aka "The Beast," I pray  peace for his family, for surrounding arms that will uphold them, and for love to fill their hearts as Chris' presence remains in all that they do.  Blue, Madella and Vivian, we love you and honor Chris today (and every day) with you... 

In loving memory of Christian Blue Jordan...  sweet, precious Chris, we love and miss you!  


  1. praying for your friends, praying for you.
    so raw.
    we had some friends say good bye to their nearly 3 day old baby girl this very day...shock. utter disbelief. so fresh...it just makes you wanna die for them. and brings all of those days right back to mind (as if they ever really go away, right?)
    hugs and so much love to you, LW.

    1. I know, Laurie... so raw. I am so sorry to hear about your friend's baby girl... heartbreaking. Yes sweet friend, it brings all of those days right back... (and you are right, they never really go away.)

      Hugs right back to you!!! xoxo!