I never knew...

I never knew I wouldn't get to bring you home...

I never knew I would stand beside your grave...

I never knew I could live with half of my heart missing...

I never knew I wouldn't have your hand to hold...

I never knew I wouldn't watch you walk into kindergarten as I cried in the car...

I never knew I wouldn't hear your first cry...

I never knew it was humanly possible to love someone so much...
or miss someone so much, as I do you.

But I knew you were gone when I woke up...

I knew you were gone because as I was in and out of consciousness, I could feel your breath leaving the air... I could feel your struggle, and the pain in my body was so great that I promise I could feel your pain... I didn't see you at all... just the image of your 2 little feet... your little perfect feet as the medical staff were surrounding you to help you fight for your life... and I screamed "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  And I remember yelling and screaming and hurting... and then everything was silent and gone...

I was gone for a while...  I left the earth 2 times on the operating table... I so wish I could remember that time.  Maybe one day I will... But I do often think of what your daddy says and believes... he believes I got to take you to heaven... Oh what a sweet thought!

And then when I woke up, no one knew if "I knew..."
If "I knew" you were gone....

But I did..."I knew..."

With your daddy by my side, I was laying in the hospital bed 4 days after you left me, and I woke up...  I woke up with a ventilator in my throat, tubes everywhere, pic line, IV's, and complete sensory loss to my lower part of my body... my eyes were open... and your daddy looked at me... he didn't have to tell me you were gone... I couldn't speak because of the tube in my throat, but tears flowed down my cheeks as your daddy realized "I knew..."  His soft words... "Lori, I am so sorry..." as he held my hand so tightly, echo in my head... as I can still, to this day, hear the ventilator pump as it was going up and down in the background... I was helpless and damaged... my heart and body were broken... I knew life would never be the same...

That day, sweet Matthew, when I opened my eyes and knew I would have to live my life without you was so hard.  I had to fight to live... I had to want to live... and it was hard.  Some days, it still is...

I fought for your brother and your daddy...

I fight every day to be healthier for your daddy and your 2 brothers now!  I still have many physical battles I face daily with the injuries that I sustained, but baby boy, I would do it all over again, just to "know" I am your mama.

Before you were formed in my womb, God "knew you" by name... Matthew Clark Weatherly

Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart."