Friday, October 19, 2012

still GONE...

Today while doing errands, I passed the empty lot that Riemann Funeral Home was located on. I frequently travel this road but this afternoon, the moment my eyes went to the abandoned lot that once housed this place and held my son, I was crushed all over again.

Pierced.  My eyes filled with tears as I circled around to take a closer look... as I did, I realized it was still GONE.  All GONE!

I know it has been over 7 years since Hurricane Katrina washed it all away... but to me, today, it was as if it was yesterday that this place was demolished by the angry flood waters and the wind.

I was devastated.  I was overwhelmed that the place that held my baby for 3 weeks was gone too.  It was the only place I ever held my baby outside of the womb.  It was the place that I would see him for the very first time.  The memory of that day flooded my heart... the sadness, the tears, the rawness of seeing him in his little white 'bed' surrounded by blue flowers, hugging him hello and 2 hours later kissing him goodbye... it all came back... today.

I pulled my car up to take a picture and I just sat in disbelief that my son was gone... I believe this moment had nothing to do with the building at all but rather what the building once held and who I held while I was in there.  I wondered how I would feel if the building was still there, would I ever be able to walk in there again?  Was it easier to see nothing than something?

I even began to wonder when people look at me do they see what 'once was' or the remains of 'what is?'

As I stared at the emptiness of the lot, I saw the concrete that once was lined with hearses and police cars... and mamas like me... and babies gone away...

I saw my family grieving over the loss of my nephew when he was born still when I was 15  years old... I saw our family 16 years later grieving over my son in the very same place... The 'place' that was GONE... leaving behind nothing but an empty and abandoned lot....

I saw pain and I felt pain...

With my next breath I made a conscious choice to look beyond what used to be there and I saw life~!  I saw life and beauty  in the wildflowers growing in the cracked concrete, I saw big strong trees that withstood the waves and wind, I saw the blue sky... and suddenly I couldn't see anything but God's beauty and His creation surrounding the very place that moments before inundated me with sadness and tears.

I am so grateful God allowed me to see the beauty among the emptiness today. It filled my heart with peace and joy, even in the midst of my circumstances of really, really, really missing my baby boy...

Places or things that are GONE from my reach or sight will never be able to take away the memory of my little one or the most sacred moments that are held so deeply within my heart!

Whatever your circumstance is today, I hope you can choose at this moment to see the beauty that surrounds you... it may be in the cracked concrete that you find it, but it's there!


1 comment:

  1. Beautiful post. It's amazing how it can all come back so, I don't know, fully. I'm sorry the building where you held your son is gone. But I am so glad nothing can take our memories. One day we will hold our boys again, hear their laughter, see their sweet faces. Hugs