Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I would give up my life for you...

I would give up my life for you…

How many of us would give up our life for our children?  (All hands in the air over here)  I know that many mothers who are no longer here on this earth have given their lives for their children during childbirth, and my story tragically is the other way around.  My son gave his life for me.

Mothers are given the ability to love without limits and a supernatural power like no other when it comes to protecting our children.  Can’t you see us as “Super-Heroes” to our children?  Something happens and we put on our cape and crown to fly in and save the day!  Yes, we are super heroes, with super powers that are capable of destroying anything that may hurt our child.  That’s what we do!  Right?  That’s what I couldn’t do for my Matthew, but he did that for me… Matthew was and always be my HERO!

Today I will let you peak at a few of my thoughts written to my little hero…

Dear Matthew,

For nine months I held you safely in my womb, nurturing you, loving you, talking to you and singing silly songs while you moved about.  I dreamed of the day I would see your little face and hear your first cry.  I dreamed of seeing your daddy smile when he held you closely.  I dreamed of seeing your big brother showing you how to slide into second base without mama freaking out.  Those were beautiful dreams full of hope for the future and wonder. 

The moment I saw the pink lines on that test I would have died for you. 

Sweet boy, you died for me.  For those nine months, my blood flowed through your body to give you life and on July 2, 2005, you gave every ounce of your blood to me, you died for me.

What I wouldn’t have done to turn that around.  You weren’t supposed to give your life for me, I, your mother, was to die for you.  Why couldn’t I save you?

It seemed so wrong.  SO very, very wrong.

Living after your death was a challenge in every way.  I was different.  I was affected and I was injured.  My heart would never beat the same and my body would face physical adversities from the injuries of that day for my entire lifetime.

I had never dreamed of this.

I had to overcome and am still overcoming many, many physical disabilities along with permanent injuries that manifest daily.  Every day as I see the scars on my body or the physical signs of my injuries, I am painfully aware of the day you died for me… the day I lived and you didn’t.

I know I would have given my life for you at any moment had I been given the choice… and what I am realizing now sweet boy is that I did give my life for you, just in a way that was much different than I would have ever imagined. 

Every ounce of physical pain and all of the injuries are so worth it because you existed!  There is not one day that goes by that I don’t thank God above that I was blessed to carry you and grateful I got to hold you, even if it was at the funeral home.  I would do it all over again, every bit of it for the nine months we had together and for that one moment when I held you close and whispered in your ear those things that only you, me and God heard.  You were so worth it ALL!  You were so worth my life!

I am not sure what the future holds for me physically, but I do know that one day I will get to see you again and when I do, my body will be whole again and so will my heart!

I gave up my life to be your mama… and you gave your life so I could be here with Nathan and Will!  That is love and it is beautiful.  You are beautiful and loved just like your brothers!

Thank you sweet boy for letting me live for your brothers and for giving life back to me! 
Love, Mom

Although I was left with empty arms, a broken heart and physical injuries from the trauma of a uterine rupture radically changing my life forever, it was also at that moment I became Matthew’s mama.  I would never trade that gift in!  If you are a mother who has experienced any injuries from your loss, I want you to know, you are not alone.  I have a heart full of joy and hope in the midst of my circumstances and will continue to honor Matthew as I share his life with others.  He has inspired me to be the best I can be every day to honor him and to help others that have suffered such devastation in their lives.