Thursday, November 29, 2012

Surgery day, again... unexpected moments!

Another unexpected moment...

Monday, November 26th, I checked into the hospital, was given a private room and the infamous yellow socks along with my gown for the day!  Talk about a hot mess!  (again!)

I am no stranger to the protocol on surgery days... I could do it without the nurses if they needed me to.  But this day was different.

The nurse recognized me from my last trip there and quickly remembered the pain I was in after my last surgery.  We talked a bit as RW sat in the chair next to me while another nurse started my IV.  I had my charge nurse at the head of my bed, the IV nurse inserting my IV when another nurse stood at the door...

Hmmm... I wondered what she wanted for a split second before my charge nurse told me that my doctor ordered a HH level and a blood bank for me.  WOAH!  WHAT?  WHY???  I felt my throat closing and those faucets in my eyes fill up...  She proceeded to explain that my doctor wanted to make sure he had my blood matched in case I needed a transfusion!


RW's eyes opened wide as he knew what was going through my mind... and his!  I had had many, many surgeries... but this was becoming different... but all too familiar!  I had to have a blood transfusion the day Matthew died... and then a few days later was given another one...

The thought of blood transfusions catapults me right back to that day and that time when I was in the hospital after losing Matthew.  RW knew exactly where I was in my thought process and he responded to the nurse that this was an unusual request, and she said yes, but the doctor just wanted to make sure he was prepared for a bleed if indeed it did happen.

I already bled to death twice!  Right after my son bled to death! Can you imagine my thoughts for just one second?  FEAR... there was GREAT FEAR where there was GREAT PEACE just MOMENTS BEFORE~!

It painfully reminded me of what once happened... and I was full of fear..

I mean, folks, I was full of peace!  The nurse wheeled that fear right up in my room and the peace was gone!  Did you know fear can be rolled on a tray?  Yep, sure can!  I had a  big ole' slice along with the needle and an arm band!

I was sitting in the bed wearing that beautiful gown and bright yellow socks sobbing as the nurse could see the emotion within me had triggered some kind of something within me... and oh she was right!

As the blood bank nurse placed my blood band on my wrist, tears rolled down my cheeks.... they just rolled....  here I was after 7 1/2 years of physical hell reliving every moment of emotional pain that I felt in 2005!  

The nurse closed the door and sat down at the head of my bed and asked me if I was okay... At that moment, I knew I wasn't okay, but I would be.

See, I had peace, COMPLETE PEACE, until that very moment of the blood bank nurse entering my room! And I knew I had to trust my God that had given me that peace again!  And whether I needed blood or not... God was in control of it all!

My amazing doctor had my very best interest in his mind and heart... and he knew he had to be prepared!   This was a fact that I knew...

I know the risks of surgery, I understand that very well.  And I also know that my faith is why I can take that risk without knowing the outcome... Nothing will happen to me today or ever that first does not have to be approved by God!  That I am confident!  Whether I "expect" it or not!

After a few minutes, I was calm and at peace again... I quit looking at the noticeably different blood band on my arm and just held RW's hand, maybe squeezed it a tad (or a lot) too!

Then it was time to go to the infamous 'holding area'... without RW,  It is so cold back there!  Whew!  So cold!  But I was wheeled back there and placed into my little cubby... oh by this time, I had the cute "hat" to go with my gown... oh and compression hose!  How could I forget those?  I was adorable!  ;)  Don't hate!  You can play dress up in my closet if you would like!  I have plenty of pairs of those!

So, I was laying there, not much else to do... except complain about the nasty taste I had in my mouth from those antibiotics they were giving me in my IV.  Yuck!  Apparently offering a nurse 5.00 for a piece of gum doesn't work back there! ;)  But anyway, my doctor came in to talk to me about my surgery and he let me know that sometimes the leads break off when they are removing them and if that happens he will do his best to get them out, but he couldn't promise anything.

WHAT??? Oh my word... can you see the damn bursting again?  OKAY... I thought... wow!  WHAT???  I wanted it ALL out! all OUT!  but... FEAR of having anything left was now trying to grab me!

There was only a slight chance of that happening... but I AM ALWAYS THE SLIGHT CHANCER... THE 1%!

I sucked it in and held a conversation with my doctor, knowing he knew me better than any other doctor and that I trusted him to give me the best medical care he could.  I knew this was still the right thing to do... taking a risk, yes, but the right thing to do.

I was ready...

I got some 'happy' medicine and then then next thing I remember is telling one of the nurses I wanted a pizza and telling RW I wanted a Fizz Stick and coconut cream pie! :)

I was delighted when RW told me that when my doctor came to talk to him after the surgery and he had removed all of the leads and the battery pack to my interestem device!  Happy dance!  :)))

and I didn't need a blood transfusion!

I was grateful!  So grateful for God giving me the peace in my heart that passes ALL understanding... the good Lord knows I could never understand all of this!

It was over...

I had my Fizz Stick, some saltines and my husband... oh and some lip gloss!  I was happy!

SO this is day 3 of recovery and I am doing great!

I am eagerly looking forward to what today and tomorrow hold!  I know it is going to be awesome!

Throughout my physical battles,  and my emotional battles that have coupled it so closely, I am one big ginormous miracle after another!

Don't ever think you can't make it though something... YOU CAN!  You must make the choice to persevere through the fears and the pain... You are so worth it!  Your family is worth it!  There are no limits to what God can do to you or through you...unless you aren't willing to take a risk and walk in faith!

Yes, I have freak outs!  You could probably poll 90% of the nurses in NOLA and they would confirm that... but I rebound with faith!!!

I am typing this hanging over the edge of my sofa because my incisions do not permit me to sit down and yes that is so aggravating... but I am doing it anyway!  WHY?  because through  my pain and testimonies, I know others are encouraged!  And I must continue to do just that!

If you are having a rotten day... I ask you to re-evaluate your circumstances... count your joy... your blessings and kiss your children and be grateful for your health!  There are many, many 'dying' to get that chance!

I know yesterday, I was in much pain, and wanted to get up and just do something and I started praying for Baby Lillie Lafntaine... talk about humbling my heart!  This baby is 3 months old and just had by pass surgery today!  Yesterday she had a heart cath.  It is heartbreaking to me to know the pain her parents must feel watching her have to go through these medical procedures and pain... I promise you it brings me right back to my knees grateful that my children are not in recovery pain, that I am in, and it certainly puts my life and my health, (even as it is) into great perspective.  At the end of every day, what really matters?  What really matters?   What mattered to me yesterday was that baby Lillie made it through her heart cath and what matters today is that she will make a full recovery for her mama and daddy! It makes everything else seem so small!

What matters is that we come together to support, love and encourage each other, even when we are having difficult times ourselves!  What matters is we can make a difference and what matters is if we don't!

I am not requesting any prayers for myself... but in lieu of prayers for me, please spend that time praying for Lillie and her family.  This would mean a great deal to me... Thank you all!

With love,



  1. Grateful to be graced with peace. Flashbacks can be brutal. I think, maybe, we might all suffer a little ptsd.

  2. I must say, I am glad I found your blog. I lost my sweet Nora 4 1/2 months after my uterine and bladder rupture (in January). It is comforting to read how someone else is coping and still managing to live a full life even after the loss of a child.