Monday, December 10, 2012
My Hallmark Moment...
Two weeks ago today, I had surgery that would keep me from my super mommy elf powers and spreading holly and cheer throughout the lands...
And yesterday I was severely disturbed because I had not yet been to the cemetery to decorate Matthew's special place and put his tree up there. THIS IS DISTURBING TO ME, and if you have a child that has a special place like this, you will probably understand this.
I can have decorations in every room, trees decorated, stockings hung, (5 of them), and homemade ornaments hung from the chandeliers as they are drying and preparing to be passed on, BUT if I don't have Matthew's special place decorated, I am NOT done! My heart actually hurts to not have been out there yet... something's missing... and it bothers me.
Both of my boys were asking when they would be able to hang the outside decorations and lights, and when we got home yesterday, we had about an hour in a half with daylight left, and I had already made the firm decision that we were heading straight to the cemetery to decorate.
I literally feel like I let Matthew down if I don't have his special place tended to for each season, and although I know that is not possible... it is the only thing I have of "him" to "tend to, to take care of." So with that said, I have been feeling guilty because his place isn't festive yet... I don't ever want someone to pass his place and think he isn't loved, taken care of, or that he isn't missed! These are emotions that are part of life after losing a child. It matters to me, this matters to me. So with a heavy heart missing Matthew, I had to honor his memory at that moment through his brothers... I had to let life happen and know it was okay... I looked at Matthew's tree in our home, his stocking, the ornaments with his name on them and I thought about how much I missed him and then I thought about heaven... what it must be like at Christmas there and how much his brothers would want him to see the lights where we live! And I also thought about how amazing it would be to see his smile... I felt a tug on my heart and as I looked outside at the boys playing, I saw 2 beautiful smiles that I know are direct reflections of a special little boy in heaven!
It was at that moment I made a decision that I knew would be the right one... It was still very hard, but I knew it was the right one.
I told RW to get the lights and the reindeer out of the shed and let the boys decorate however they wanted to outside... I told him there would only be enough daylight to go to the cemetery or let the boys hang lights... I walked inside sad, because I knew it was another day in December when my baby didn't have a tree out there... my heart hurt.
I began to work on the ornaments as the boys did their thing... when it was dark, the boys called me outside and Will sang "Feliz Navidad" as he danced in front of the most special light display every! They didn't decorate the house, the pool, or the hang the traditional Weatherly outside decor... instead, they decorated Matthew's garden and hung lights on his tree! It was a Hallmark moment! I hugged and kissed each one of them and my heart was happy, happy, happy! Yes, we were missing Matthew, but he was as close to us at that moment as he ever was!
Today, it is raining, so there will be no decorating the cemetery again... but I can look outside and see Matthew's garden full of lights and love...
I know my boys made a sacrifice by decorating the garden instead of the rooftop... and that the reindeer are not where they usually are... and that means more to me than any gift they could ever wrap. Talk about humbling... I walked into the house with such sadness in my heart and when I walked out, they had done this for me... and for Matthew... and for our family...it was right... it was just right! It was perfect! It may not look spectacular to those passing by, but to this mama, it is the prettiest sight I have ever seen at Christmas!
Seeing those smiles beam as they stood beside the lights of Matthew's memory garden and looking at RW knowing he understood at that moment how my heart felt as his eyes filled with tears and mine did too, I genuinely felt like I was in a Hallmark commercial... you know the kind that make you cry! I will never forget this moment!
If you are looking for a magical moment, perhaps a Hallmark memory of your own... you won't be able to find it at a store! Those gifts / moments are given from the heart... and with a little creativity and lots of love, I bet you can make magic happen in your home too!
Grateful today for my Hallmark moment yesterday! Grateful to my boys (all of them!) for making it happen!