Wednesday, May 1, 2013

today I am just going to cry a while...

"One cannot truly separate the sadness or gratefulness within a grieving mother's heart; there is nothing else capable of producing a tear that can be followed by a smile or a smile that can be followed by a tear for the duration of our lives such as this." 

~Lori C. Weatherly

Today I am just going to cry a while...

It is just one of those days when I am crying for no  particular reason but over everything!  I am crying because I am happy.  I am crying because I am sad.  I am crying because my friends are hurting.  I am crying because tragedy is everywhere.  I am crying because Matthew's garden has weeds in it.

When I woke up this morning, the first thing I looked at was Matthew's photo by my bed... and I said out loud "did my baby really die?"  And it has been on since! 

Some days it is so hard to believe.

And then I looked at sweet Will and the joy that was in my heart made me cry more! 

I just looked at my granite counter top and saw a spot that needed to be cleaned and I cried.  Yep, that kind of a day!

And you know what, when I got the 409 and cleaned it, I was still crying.

I watched a video this morning of a mother and father to be going to the hospital to have their baby and they were laughing and smiling and full of joy not knowing that their baby girl would just live a short while before she would be with Jesus.  I cried because I saw myself in that video, the girl I once was before the death of my son.  I saw her again.  And I cried. 

I remember that joy, that laugh, the moments before Matthew was born that everything was fine... my son was alive, I was excited and couldn't wait to meet him!  And that joy never came.  That laugh went away.  That feeling that existed before Matthew's death was so incredible, so incredible and I took it for granted thinking everything was fine!  I remember that so well.  And it breaks my heart.

Please don't take that last paragraph and think I don't have joy because I have much joy!  Remember, happiness is circumstantial, but joy is God-given!  And God has given me so, so much joy!  I know Matthew is with Jesus and I celebrate that so much!  I smile at that thought!  But I am his mama and I sure miss him and that makes me sad!  And I laugh a lot but I have never laughed like I did before Matthew passed away...everything I do now, I do missing him...even laughing.  And that is different.  Everything is different.  Beautifully different. 

And then I think of the extreme joy that our little Will has given to us!  OH how amazing his life is!!!  And I cry more!  Happy, happy, happy tears!  JOYFUL TEARS! 

This is the kind of rainy day when I can walk outside and not feel the difference between the rain or my tears...

Happy tears, sad tears and grateful tears...

I am grateful and full of anticipation of some really wonderful things to come!  And even in that, I cry!  A good cry...anyone ever heard of that?  Today I am having a good cry!  Probably long overdue too!

Smiles, tears, laughter, fears! 

"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get..."  Forrest was smarter than anyone thought!  ;) 

Today, I get tears!  oh... and chocolate!


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