Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Diagnosis, the worst possible

When something unexpected happens and the outcome is uncertain, I tend to diagnose it with the worst possible outcome.

I wish I didn't, but I do.

I mean what prompted me to start diagnosing my behavior tonight and also prompted this blog post was when the dog walked by, I saw a knot on the top of his head.  I had a slight freak out and then assumed he could have internal bleeding.  That is just how fast I went there too.  There was no happy-medium, if you will, of perhaps he just got a little bump on his noggin.  Nope, diagnosis, the worst possible.

Even as I am typing this, I have my eye on him.  He seems fine and is acting fine, why am I not fine?

I am not fine because I am sick of always going to the worst possible scenario when something happens.

I want that to stop.  First step is admitting it, right?

When one of my boys are sick, especially with fever, oh Lord, I can get a little carried away.  Is it the flu, strep, what is it?  Diagnosis, the worst possible.  Perhaps it is a cold, mama!  Yes most of the times it is a cold or a little stomach virus.  But I don't believe that until it is over.

When the fever breaks, I breathe.

My son is in Washington DC and the weather had been bad today, they are supposed to fly home tomorrow, I am already thinking about flight delays.  Seriously...it has to stop.  

When I see someone that is pregnant going to deliver their baby all over social media, I think oh my word, she could not leave with her baby too.  It is hard to keep up with friends at the end of their pregnancies because I am too busy holding my breath diagnosing the worst possible.  Because that is what happened to me.

If I dig deep, which I am, I can find the answer is extremely obvious to me.  I diagnose the worst possible to guard my heart in case it really happens.
This goes back to losing Matthew.  

I never expected the worst possible and I had the biggest disappointment of my lifetime.  I wasn't expecting the worst possible, I didn't even know that could happen to me.

Naive, maybe.  Sometimes being naive sounds a lot better than knowing.  

But when I lost Matthew, I lost the innocence of that hope that I had in my heart!  The hope that I was bringing my baby home.  Instead, I brought him to the cemetery.

That changes things.

I am not sure where to go from here but I am going to try my very best to put my guard down so I can enjoy life a little better. I need to relax and realize God has all of it under control.  All of it.  And that there is not one thing that I am expecting or not expecting that God is not preparing me for.  I know that.

I believe that.  I just need to act on my faith more.

I am tired of the worst diagnosis theory, so tired of it.

I know why I do it, I don't want to be disappointed if the worst happens, so in some weird way I am subconsciously trying to prepare myself for it, as if that is even possible.

I wasn't prepared to lose my son.  I didn't expect the worst possible diagnosis, but that is what I got.  I don't ever want to feel that again.  I feel like if I prepare, so to speak, I will be better, but truth is, I probably wouldn't.  

Anyway, I am taking the steps that I can to transition my heart and my mind to think it's going to be okay when something unexpected happens instead of thinking that someone is going to die.

I am not sure if any of you can relate to this and it really is uncomfortable for me to admit it, but it is what it is.  It is part of what I am working through.  

As I look at the dog and see his little bump, I am going to say he is fine!  Just a little bump while holding my breath that he wakes up fine in the morning! 

This is what loss has done to me.  The reality that bad things do happen when I am not expecting them to.  So if I expect them to in the beginning, my thought process is perhaps I won't be so caught off guard if the worst happens again. (Yeah, right! Right?)

Crazy logic, perhaps, but my logic changed the day my son died.

My coping mechanisms took over and this is just the way I have rolled.  I am going to try and stop rolling like this now.  And with God's help, I believe I can succeed.

So here is to my boy flying home on time tomorrow, babies coming home from the hospital and the dog handling his little bump just fine!  Now if there is a fever... ;)  I think I am going to have to work on that one!

Love to all!

PS- the dog is fine, the plane was an hour late and the babies in my social network have been delivered and are fine...and everyone in my home is fever free! 


  1. Oh my gosh! This is me to a T! Now, when one of my friends tells me she's expecting, my 1st thought is " oh, I hope the baby doesn't die". That can't be normal, right? In the early days after Sully died, I would actually wake my dog up in the middle of the night to make sure he hadn't died in his sleep. I do it less often now, but still every once in a while. Usually I think I'm going crazy. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who jumps to worst case scenario. I don't think being a CT/MRI tech helps. Glad everything turned out fine this week

  2. I know Jamie! You aren't going crazy! You are just living life after losing your baby! My love to you sweet friend!!!