Sunday, June 9, 2013

It will never be good enough...

I was excited to have written my June article for Still Standing Magazine ahead of the deadline, but when I looked at the calendar and realized it would go live June 28th, just four days before Matthew's eighth birthday, I freaked out.

I panicked because it was suddenly not good enough, not appropriate enough to be the article that would be be published just days before his birthday.

I messaged sweet Franchesca and told her that I would write another piece for the one I had already written wasn't special enough for this time.

After all, it's not like I have his birthday party to plan, the least I could do as Matthew's mother is write something that would be good enough to honor him, right?

Convinced I could write something that was going to be special enough, I took up the task of sitting behind my computer and began.   I tormented my heart as I analyzed every inadequate word that I had written or was trying to compose. I felt like with every delete that I was throwing garbage out of the window but then realized that garbage was my heart, my tears and it wasn't trash!  It was pain! It was the pain of trying to produce a piece that would be worthy of my son's birthday.  I failed that task.

The pressure and the weight I was applying to my already heavy heart was beyond measure.

Nothing was good enough and I had to stop.

My heart broke when I realized I needed to let it go.  I needed to let go of the fear of it not being special enough for this time.  Truth is, for me, there will never be anything special enough or good enough for this time except singing Happy Birthday to my beautiful son's face and kissing him and watching him hold balloons instead of wondering if he catches them in heaven.

That would be good enough.

Nothing else.

So I let this post go knowing I will not replace the original article written for June because that is all that I have and that has to be good enough for now.


  1. I felt the same way close to Jenna's birthday. Nothing ever seems like 'enough' but I have to believe they know.. and that every tear, every heart hurt and every word is exactly enough because it is all we have to give. Hugs to you friend as his birthday approaches <3

    1. Fran, your words ring true to my heart friend! It is exactly enough because it is all that we have to give! By the end of the post, I realized I am learning that and so much more! <3

  2. I have reflected on what is parenting a lost child vs a one here on earth. I remember how once I accepted I wasn't in control and just needed to be 'good enough' and to embrace to chaos. In a way i am feeling grief honours our children, and we again offer our bodily efforts to our children. I certainly don't know what each day will be like, as with a newborn, but this time I embrace my own weather and mood and changes. I don't know if I'm making sense but it's some stuff I've been thinking about. Thanks Lori!

    1. HI Liz, thank you for stopping by! I have definitely learned (it's a daily life lesson for me) to embrace my own weather, mood and changes through the years. It took a while for me to understand why I needed to do that, but when I did, there was a shift in the way that I could grasp grief better as a way of missing and honoring my son. It's a task that I wish so many people didn't have to face, including you. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me! I wish you lots of joy in the days ahead as you embrace your new journey! <3

  3. precious woman. hugs to you.
    you are so not alone.
    thank you for being so open, transparent.
    you are loved.