Sunday, June 9, 2013
It will never be good enough...
I was excited to have written my June article for Still Standing Magazine ahead of the deadline, but when I looked at the calendar and realized it would go live June 28th, just four days before Matthew's eighth birthday, I freaked out.
I panicked because it was suddenly not good enough, not appropriate enough to be the article that would be be published just days before his birthday.
I messaged sweet Franchesca and told her that I would write another piece for the one I had already written wasn't special enough for this time.
After all, it's not like I have his birthday party to plan, the least I could do as Matthew's mother is write something that would be good enough to honor him, right?
Convinced I could write something that was going to be special enough, I took up the task of sitting behind my computer and began. I tormented my heart as I analyzed every inadequate word that I had written or was trying to compose. I felt like with every delete that I was throwing garbage out of the window but then realized that garbage was my heart, my tears and it wasn't trash! It was pain! It was the pain of trying to produce a piece that would be worthy of my son's birthday. I failed that task.
The pressure and the weight I was applying to my already heavy heart was beyond measure.
Nothing was good enough and I had to stop.
That would be good enough.
So I let this post go knowing I will not replace the original article written for June because that is all that I have and that has to be good enough for now.