Wednesday, June 12, 2013

My not-so-empty curio

Yesterday was a cleaning know the kind of cleaning day when you dust too!  ;)

Well, since my boys weren't at home, I thought I would tackle removing the trophies, the baseball cards, and all that sports memorabilia from every shelf and dusting it!  A couple of hours later I was finished and their rooms even smelled clean!  Boy mamas, you know that is pretty good!  (big grin)

 The black chest is full of his special things as well
When I walked into my room, I saw Matthew's curio full of his precious memorabilia and I had to dust it too!  His things are throughout every room in the house, but there is one really special spot that is his in the corner of our bedroom.  I go to sleep every night looking at his things and I wake up every morning looking at them.

It had been quite a while since I had done this and I took my time as I cradled every item, each one came with a walk down memory lane.

As I picked up his Ole Miss baseball cap I remember the smile on his daddy's face when he saw it and  how excited his daddy was when he found the perfect "going home" outfit for Matthew detailed down to the little socks embroidered with his Alma Mater, Ole Miss.  And even the little hat.

The little hat,  he wore on July 23, 2005 at his "going home" service. "Going home" wasn't supposed to be like that.

The little hat, I took with me when we said goodbye.  I keep it in this curio along with many other special things.  Yes, there are two more Ole Miss outfits in there too.  He was going to be a "Rebel" just like everyone else in the family.

There's so much I could say about every piece in this curio.  Priceless to me, all of it.

Everything in this curio has a beautiful scent because my mother and her friend made a necklace and a bracelet for me out of the rose petals that RW and Nathan bought for me while I was in the hospital.  They crushed the petals mixing them with fragrant oils (and I am sure a tear or two) and delicately molded them into beads stranding them one by one.  The aroma was preserved along with the beautiful crushed petals.  When the curio is opened, the aroma is one that cannot be purchased, it is made, with lots and lots of love!  This scent is amazing!

This scent comforts me.  As a loss mom, if you are reading this, you know how certain scents (like hospital soap) can bring you to a place like no other.  Well, for me, this scent brings me feelings of warmth and love.

As I removed everything, there were only two items left in there, his two blankets.  The two blankets that he was wrapped in at the hospital.  A green one and a blue one.  I never held him in these blankets, but my family did and I have photos of them holding him wrapped in these.  I am not even sure where they came from, perhaps the hospital gave them to us.  I really don't know.  Maybe something one day I will find out.

When I picked up the blue blanket, the scent enveloped me with great emotion.

I thought he was in here!  He was in this sweet little blanket and now it is empty.  I held it to my heart as I removed the little green blanket and did the same.

Precious memories that I know my family had with him wrapped in these blankets were coming to my mind.

I expected to feel empty like the blankets and the curio, but I was so full of love, peace and joy that it was soothing to my soul.

This moment was right.

This moment when I could hold his things, remember him and not feel so empty!

Before I put everything back into the curio, I took this photo.  What I didn't realize was when I looked back at it that I would see myself in the mirror holding the sweet little blanket that Matthew was wrapped in.

I was actually just trying to get a photo of the empty cabinet.  I studied the photo and visibly saw the empty curio and the empty blanket, but it didn't look so empty.  I knew it was empty because I removed everything and I knew the blanket was empty because I was holding it...but it wasn't so empty after all!

If I were to ever paint a self portrait, this would have to be it.  This.  If you take everything away, empty it all out, Matthew is still with me.  He is in my heart, my soul, my life and my reflection.  Always has been, always will be!

This picture says that to me!

Grateful for this lesson that my sweet boy taught me!  I will never forget it!


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