Monday, August 5, 2013

To Whom It May Concern...With Love, Grieving Mama

When I went to the ball field for the first time after Matthew passed away, I had someone come up to me and say with great enthusiasm "Where's your baby?  Last time I saw you out here, your belly was huge!"  ~  GULP.  I simply looked at her and said "My baby died." and walked away.

I just thought the walk out there was long as I held my breath and choked down tears with great fear at how society would look at me without my son.  But the walk back to the car proved to be so much longer and brutally exhausting as I passed by strollers and smiling people and hearing cheers while I was dying.  Dying.

I am not quite sure how long it took me to go back to the ball field, but it was a long while.

This, this  is why it is so hard for grieving mothers to get back into society.  This.

Things, things like this, hurt so badly after loss.  Unintended to hurt, (of course) she just didn't know.

A piece of advice worthy of sharing, if you don't know, don't ask. And if you do know, and you don't know what to say, it's okay to not say anything, try a hug instead.  Hugs work.

And if you are a friend to someone who has suffered the loss of a child, please don't avoid or run away.  It's difficult enough to go out into society after  losing a child.  Seeing a friend in public after loss should be a safe and soft place to fall.

I cannot count the number of times I have left the ball field crying or any other place for that matter. (especially at church, passing the nursery is brutal.)

Coexisting and mingling in the great big world after loss is scary, all the way around.  Everything is so different after loss.  Everything.

There are babies and children everywhere.

If you are struggling getting back into society, plugging yourself back into work, ball games, church, etc., please be gentle on yourself and expect to leave crying a time or two or fifty-three.

You deserve a huge round of applause for everything that you do after loss.  Even for making it to Wal-Mart to walk in one door and walk right back out the other.  (experience has given me that right to applaud)

Love to all!

©2011-2013 All rights reserved


  1. I had a patient just last week who I hadn't seen in a while. I honestly didn't see it coming, but she enthusiastically asked "how's that baby boy doing? Weren't you adopting?". There was an awkward 30 second pause before I answered. I still stink at saying the words out loud. In the last few weeks I've had a baby shower to attend, VBS program and church camp stuff for my nieces. These are the things that others don't think about hurting. They do

    1. Awe, Jamie, I am sorry! I send bug hugs! Love to you my friend! XO!

  2. thanks for sharing, always, Lori. It's like you know just what I'm struggling with and you put it into words so eloquently. I wish you didn't have to.
    Much love to you from Indy.