Raw Truth

I have a journal that I keep in my car for moments of inspiration or lack of.  Sometimes I just scribble on a page to sort through what I am feeling inside.  Sometimes I write one liners.  Sometimes I write a book.

I was flipping through my journal one day and found a couple of pages that caught my attention.  Penned were the following words.  Nothing attached to them, just the words.

But they speak for themselves.

pray. faith. believe. hope. inspire, encourage. believe. trust. hope.

(yes, two words were repeated.)

sick. vacant. raw. empty. alone. sad. sorrow. depressed. dark. searching. not equipped. incomplete. gutted. ravished. starved. hollow. afraid. weary. not rested. tired. afraid of the night for there is no rest in my brain.

I am not sure when either of these were written or if they were written on the same day.  They were close together, but on separate pages.

I gasped when I read the latter of the two. (did you?)  But this was real for me, this was what came from my heart in moments of agony and pain since losing my son.

It is terrible to feel these things and really hard to admit that this is still a struggle for me from time to time. Raw truth.  Period.

These words became the inspiration for one of my articles at Still Standing Magazine.  The article, "I am after loss..." has become a very special piece to  me.

Being able to journal through the years has helped me immensely.  Sometimes I forget the raw, lowest of places that I have overcome and when I get a chance to go back and read my words, I am grateful for God's grace that has helped me through it all.

Since losing my son, I have had some really difficult moments and I have learned that I will continue to have them as long as their is breath in my body...but if I will just keep returning to the following words I'm gonna make it!

pray. faith. believe. hope. inspire, encourage. believe. trust. hope.

I hope you make it too!