Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I survived...

I am a survivor of a uterine rupture that claimed my son's life. I also survived Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation (D.I.C.) and flat lined twice. For any of you in the medical field, y'all know that isn't something many people survive. BUT I did! I suffered extreme trauma to my body the day my son died and for the last nine years have been a medical mess!  I blog and write openly about the struggles of living life with disabilities.  Letting go of my pride was hard, really hard.  But necessary to tell my testimony.  

I may look healthy, but don't judge my cover, my outside appearance, until you have read my book or my story.  I was diagnosed a couple of years back with Posterior Cord Syndrome and every day is a challenge, but one I meet with God right by my side.  My injuries and my son's death are coupled together, so for me, every scar, every pain, every doctor's appointment and so on, are all wrapped up in the tragedy of my son's death. The emotional and physical pain are a unit.  There is no separation and there are some days it is just so doggone hard. My injuries are progressive and migratory, so I do absolutely everything I can to preserve what I have left.  Every morning I open my eyes and say "Jesus take the wheel."  And many days I repeat that over and over along with "I surrender all."  I couldn't do the hard without my faith.  But with God, I am on it!  He knows what is going to happen tomorrow and I rest in that.

My story is one big fat messy, medical miracle intertwined with things that will make you fall on your face and cry to things that will make you dance even without music playing! Seriously I am a hot mess one minute and then a put together princess the next!  Stick around, you will see that truth! 

When I wrote my book and started my blog, I vowed to be authentic and real, even on the worst of days.

And I am. 

God has given me the courage to be authentic and allow the tears to fall off of my cheeks and onto the keyboard as words are penned directly from my heart.  Sometimes it is scary to talk so openly about my struggles, but then I think if I didn't you all would miss the really huge miracle that my life is.  

Every day of my life, I need Jesus more than yesterday and I rely on grace to carry me through moment by moment.

I don't like to focus on my challenges, but rather overcoming them!  Side note here about challenges for me- I throw a fit with God sometimes and he lets me.  I get it all out and he gives me grace.  

I truly live life some days with mascara perfectly applied and some days with it smeared down my cheeks.  And guess what, that's  okay!  I cry when I need to and laugh a lot!  I live in the moment gracious for it.  I live for little moments with my family that will be sacred memories tomorrow.  I place worry back in God's hands 1000 times a day and then some.  In all of my life, all of my sorrows, all of my experiences, I can truly say God has given me joy in the midst of it all, but I had to choose it.  The days I don't choose joy are the days that end in the dumps.  I don't like dumpy days.

Life is a beautiful gift, a present I am grateful to open every single day...even with all of the physical pain and the struggles that I endure, it is a precious, precious gift! I am beyond blessed.

Thank you all for reading, for sharing and for being YOU! Wherever you are, thank you! XOXO!

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