Friday, March 23, 2012

Round 4 ~ doctors complete! :)

Completed my 4th doctor appointment today in New Orleans within 2 weeks!  Whew!  So thankful we are done with the doctors... until April!  I am gearing myself up for our big Disney trip in May, and maintenance and procedures are part of helping with the pain, especially since the trip will be hard on me physically!  But I am going to be ready! :)

I am going to find the time this weekend to complete Part 4, I promise! Bear with me!  Thank you!

You know, when we were on the way to the NOLA today, I was looking at the water (again) and  RW and I were counting the miles that we have traveled on the same path to Ochsner, the amount of money and time we have spent there... the tears, the sorrow, the disappointment... it is a road we have traveled so many times and will continue to do so over the course of my life. It's a fact.  A fact that can so easily overwhelm me and I know it does him too.

I couldn't help but wonder if July 2, 2005 would have been different, wonder where would I have been today... wonder what sport would we be whisking Matthew off to after picking him up from school...  I just wondered.... as the tires kept rolling toward the medical facilities, my thoughts kept rolling with them.  I really wanted to stop but something about today, I couldn't.

As the doctor came in and we talked, he did the usual exam and injections, I had immense pain that hurt... physically hurt.  And friends, I got mad... yes, mad.  I squeezed the table as the steroid was going into my back and wanted to yell and scream out  I JUST WENT IN TO HAVE A BABY!  WHY WHY  WHY am I here almost 7 years later? AND WHY DON'T I HAVE MY BABY?

Complete pity party for a minute or three... and then I snapped out of it... I looked at sweet Ronnie sitting in the corner knowing he was anxious to touch something else when the doctor stepped out of the room (again) and through his soft blue eyes, I saw his pain too.  He hates to see me this way and I know that.  The pain that he has watched me endure has affected him too.  And I wish it were different.

Reality is... I am like the red bird I spoke of yesterday... I face strong winds, rain and chaotic storms in the physical realm, yet somehow God has given me the ability to fly, even with broken wings...

Today, as I fly, it hurts, but I must keep flying...

Pain produces within me a passion and with passion comes the eagerness and drive to create change within my own heart and the lives of others.

As we were getting into the elevator of the parking garage, we looked down and there was a penny... a penny from heaven!  (Thank you Matthew!)  I find pennies from heaven just when I need a gentle reminder God is taking care of me, my family & Matthew.

When we got home, I saw a big cheese grin from Will and my heart rejoiced within knowing that God has restored so much JOY to us through this awesome little guy!  He has a plan and I am just going to 'be still and know that He is God!'

Has anyone ever seen an injured bird being released on the cliff of a mountain?  There is a big gasp as the caretakers of this injured bird see the wings flap and the bird begin to fly. I am quite sure they are overcome with joy... it is a beautiful moment!  The bird is set free and can carry on doing what he is purposed to do... he may fly in pain, but he flies!

As I close today, I am grateful for my caretakers and for my wings... they may be broken, but God is still allowing me to fly!



  1. Oh dear Lori... what an example you are! You encourage me to somehow find the strength to keep flying even with broken wings... It has been a hard week for me... but you always have a way of sharing just the right thing at just the right time... I know that is God through you!
    I am so sorry for the pain that you have to suffer both physically and emotionally...
    I am soo glad you have a little bit of a break away from those long miles and cold dr's offices full of reminders... May God give you just what you need for a refershing and restoration! Lots of love to you my friend!

    1. I am sorry you are having a rough week, Annette. I am so glad that somehow along this journey I can encourage you! I think we all rely on each other in this community of loss.. blessed, so very blessed! sending you much love & prayers for you to have a wonderful weekend... (broken wings may hurt & keep one down for a while, but even if the wing is never repaired, the bird somehow learns to fly all over again... in a new & different way... but he flies!) xoxo!!!

  2. Lori hi I come here often I can not remember if I have left a comment before. We lost our sweet son 1-24-12 stillborn. I love your writing you are so gifted, and so beautiful. I have seen a bird release it is like you can feel the pain and you want to cheer them on. Well sweet sister I feel your pain and I am cheering you on!!! Thanks for sharing your life.

  3. Hi Tesha! Thank you for visiting me... I am so very sorry about your baby... This is a very new journey for you... (big hugs & lots of prayers to you) I, too, will be cheering you on. love & hope, Lori