Completed my 4th doctor appointment today in New Orleans within 2 weeks! Whew! So thankful we are done with the doctors... until April! I am gearing myself up for our big Disney trip in May, and maintenance and procedures are part of helping with the pain, especially since the trip will be hard on me physically! But I am going to be ready! :)
I am going to find the time this weekend to complete Part 4, I promise! Bear with me! Thank you!
You know, when we were on the way to the NOLA today, I was looking at the water (again) and RW and I were counting the miles that we have traveled on the same path to Ochsner, the amount of money and time we have spent there... the tears, the sorrow, the disappointment... it is a road we have traveled so many times and will continue to do so over the course of my life. It's a fact. A fact that can so easily overwhelm me and I know it does him too.
I couldn't help but wonder if July 2, 2005 would have been different, wonder where would I have been today... wonder what sport would we be whisking Matthew off to after picking him up from school... I just wondered.... as the tires kept rolling toward the medical facilities, my thoughts kept rolling with them. I really wanted to stop but something about today, I couldn't.
As the doctor came in and we talked, he did the usual exam and injections, I had immense pain that hurt... physically hurt. And friends, I got mad... yes, mad. I squeezed the table as the steroid was going into my back and wanted to yell and scream out I JUST WENT IN TO HAVE A BABY! WHY WHY WHY am I here almost 7 years later? AND WHY DON'T I HAVE MY BABY?
Complete pity party for a minute or three... and then I snapped out of it... I looked at sweet Ronnie sitting in the corner knowing he was anxious to touch something else when the doctor stepped out of the room (again) and through his soft blue eyes, I saw his pain too. He hates to see me this way and I know that. The pain that he has watched me endure has affected him too. And I wish it were different.
Reality is... I am like the red bird I spoke of yesterday... I face strong winds, rain and chaotic storms in the physical realm, yet somehow God has given me the ability to fly, even with broken wings...
Today, as I fly, it hurts, but I must keep flying...
Pain produces within me a passion and with passion comes the eagerness and drive to create change within my own heart and the lives of others.
As we were getting into the elevator of the parking garage, we looked down and there was a penny... a penny from heaven! (Thank you Matthew!) I find pennies from heaven just when I need a gentle reminder God is taking care of me, my family & Matthew.
When we got home, I saw a big cheese grin from Will and my heart rejoiced within knowing that God has restored so much JOY to us through this awesome little guy! He has a plan and I am just going to 'be still and know that He is God!'
Has anyone ever seen an injured bird being released on the cliff of a mountain? There is a big gasp as the caretakers of this injured bird see the wings flap and the bird begin to fly. I am quite sure they are overcome with joy... it is a beautiful moment! The bird is set free and can carry on doing what he is purposed to do... he may fly in pain, but he flies!
As I close today, I am grateful for my caretakers and for my wings... they may be broken, but God is still allowing me to fly!