Thursday, March 8, 2012

stressed & blessed!

On the eve of Friday, all is quiet in my house, except for my husband rumbling around in the junk drawer in the kitchen and the dog eating the cat food.  But my mind is running~

Thinking that tomorrow will start the 1st of the 4 doctor appointments I will have within the next 2 weeks... kind of bums me out and aggravates me!  Okay, so more than kind of!

Renal ultrasound tomorrow! YAY! (sarcasm)

In my mind the infamous words have replayed over and over... "I just went in to have a baby!"  And I left without him and I left with a lifetime of physical pain and just plain messed up!  UGH!

Sometimes I think it would be easier if you could physically see my injuries, then I wouldn't feel so much pressure to be okay all of the time.  (even though I totally know I put that pressure on myself!)

So, I look like I am fine, I can act like I am fine... but I am so messed up physically that it is quite ridiculous!

On the other hand, I am alive, I played hide n seek for hours today and jumped on the trampoline til I cracked my lil' egg! ;)  He laughed and laughed!  Worth the back pain!  Every bit of back pain I knew I would have if I did these things...  But I did them anyway.

I just have moments when I want to vent or scream and then after I do, I am okay.  So I apologize in advance and I am convinced if my fingers could scream, my computer would be quite offended! ;)

I am so grateful to be alive, to be able to walk, to be able to run (a little) and to be able to tell you all about Matthew and the hope that we have within our hearts.

I just wouldn't be being real if I didn't let you know it hurts too.

So as crazy as this post is and as stressed as I am, I am even more sane than crazy and more blessed than stressed!

See I can even play golf... ;)  does yelling at the little white ball while chasing it count?  (thanks to my sugie- pie for getting this 'action shot!'

Thank you God that I can run after a golf ball and hide n seek and play and make memories!  Thank you!

So friends, I may complain a bit here and there and yes, indeed the doctors appointments are always overwhelming, and talks of surgeries and procedures always echo in the room...  but I would do it all over again just to be Matthew's mama.

All of it.

I'll close with a few lyrics to an old hymn...
I’ll trade sunshine for rain, comfort for pain, that's what I'll be willing to do, for whatever it takes for my will to break, that's what I'll be willing to do.

Here's to tomorrow, and here's to the one who knows already just what it holds!

Love to all,



  1. awww, I love this.

  2. Peole have asked me if I'd do it again knowing he'd die. My answer is absolutely yes! I'd do it all again for those 16 weeks with Sully. Generally they look at me like I'm nuts. Also generally, they don't Know. Don't get it

    1. You are not nuts, you are Sully's mother and that is priceless and precious!!! xoxo